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Unconditional love has been touted as the ultimate love. That if you truly love someone, be it a spouse, child, friend or family member, then that love should be unconditional.  No limitations. No conditions.

I say hogwash. We have a generation and a half of  young people  who are emotionally vulnerable and unable to handle basic responsibilities and who have become that way in the name of unconditional love from parents who don’t want their children to feel or experience pain, be it physical or emotional.

Here’s what I recommend as a more effective and healthier option:  “Responsible love.”

What is responsible love? Loving someone in a way that puts their highest and best outcome at the forefront.  Being responsible to help them be their best selves, which sometimes means making some tough choices and saying or doing things that may be disappointing in the short run but will lead to success long run. Being responsible means loving them enough to say no to things that will not help them be their best, and refusing to say “yes”  just because you don’t feel like having a fight.

Here’s an example that I see all the time among the parents of kids that I tutor.  The kids are behind in school, either grades that are below expectation or, homework and classwork that is not being turned in, such that no credit is received for the work and the child has not learned what they need to in order to even pass a test.  However, in spite of this performance, the children have no consequences for their failures.  Parents and teachers (and tutors) bend over backwards getting extensions for deadlines and changing the assignment to allow the bare minimum of completion for credit.

Seems loving right?  It’s not. The child is not developing basic life skills of personal responsibility and accountability nor are they learning the lessons of their classes.  They are allowed to still play their sports, ride their horse, go to dance class, or hang out with their friends.  I’ve watched these “loving” parents allow their kids to miss school in order to attend a special event.  Why? Because, in the name of love, the parents want to support their children’s dreams and give them magical memories. Well, in the name of loving their children they are ruining their chances at a successful adulthood.

The biggest irony of all of this unconditional love is that the children are left with low motivation, low self-esteem and a lack of gumption with which to face challenges in life.

In contrast, responsible love respects the power and strength and abilities of an individual. It inspires loved ones to be their best in the name of their own self-worth and it allows them to make their choices and live in their consequences, without being bailed out.  

To be a responsibly loving parent…

• Enforce house rules for young children: bedtimes, television times, toy clean up, etc. This will help them learn to regulate their whims and understand there are rules that must be followed in life and it feels good to follow them. It always fascinated my husband and me how our kids never argued about wearing a seatbelt because it was absolutely enforced 100%, but would try and negotiate helmets when riding bicycles in the driveway because their friends didn’t necessarily wear helmets.
• Allow children age-appropriate choices. For example, for young children, allow them to choose clothes to wear each day, which vegetable they want for dinner, what they want for breakfast with assorted healthy options, which book to read at bedtime, how many books to read at bedtime, etc. For older children, allow them to make guided decisions on bed time, after school activities that they want to do and/or no longer want to do, what time they accomplish their chores and what clothes they want to wear, assuming they are within the dress code of school or a special event.  Giving children the power of choice gives them the chance to feel in control while developing the skills of making good choices and experiencing the consequences of bad ones.
• Encourage teenagers to have some kind of part time job after school and/or weekends to give them financial education and responsibility.
• Say “no” when you know it’s wrong: boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers, underage drinking (don’t fall prey to the idea of having your kids drink in your house then out on the streets somewhere), unfettered social media, attending events that will put them in a risky situation…
• Don’t cover for them. If they forgot their homework, soccer cleats, warm jacket, musical instrument, lunch, dance shoes… don’t bring it to them. Next time they will remember. I used to tell my kids what the temperature was outside and then left it to them to decide what coat, if any, they wanted.  If they didn’t bring a coat and they were cold, next time they’d make a different choice.  

To be a responsibly loving spouse/partner…

• Communicate needs and desires clearly, rather than stuffing them inside and then being passive aggressive about where you’re not satisfied.
• Support your partner in their individual efforts to grow and pursue their unique interests. My husband and I do many things together… we also pursue individual interests.  We each feel fulfilled and we are able to share our experiences with each other so we both learn and grow.
• Don’t enable dangerous behavior. If your partner has an issue with substance abuse be careful not to enable their addiction because you can’t make them stop. Don’t  purchasing alcohol for them, eat at a bar, or make excuses when he/she gets intoxicated at a party.  If your spouse’s driving makes you uncomfortable choose not to drive with them.   Don’t allow cigarette smoking in the house – 2^nd hand smoke is extremely dangerous too.
• Make healthy choices with regard to food and exercise for yourself and model it for your partner. You can’t be their mother/father.
• Be a partner not a parent.

I have been to a number weddings this year and in almost every case the bride and groom promised to help their partner be their best self. They didn’t promise to love them unconditionally, let alone to obey them. Rather they promised to support them in their pursuits of excellence and to hold them accountable when they didn’t live up to the standards that they want for themselves. These couples are true partners on every level.  To me, responsible love is deepest and purest of all.  Don’t we all want people in our lives who help us be our best selves?

“I’m sorry.”  So simple a phrase yet so complex when our chronic need to apologize for situations or events that have nothing to do with us takes over: “I’m sorry that your internet went down in the middle of your very important presentation” or “I’m sorry your weekend plans were ruined by the weather.”  You had nothing to do with the problem so why apologize for it?

Everyone makes mistakes for which it is totally appropriate to apologize. Mistake noted… “I’m sorry”… done.  Move along with life.

But then there’s this other compulsion which is held by many to empathize and let others know you feel their pain. Beautiful in theory but is it self-destructive in practice?’

I received the following note from a “graduate” of my Awakening Happiness Program:

“As I am becoming more aware of my body’s reaction to situations, I have found that saying “I’m sorry” causes my body to tense and a certain sense of anxiety builds, ultimately ending in worry. None of which is good.

I know there are specific occasions that those words are appropriate, but lately, I find myself saying them to friends and family that may have had a difficult day, a disagreement or a disappointment. I know that I am genuinely sorry and that I want to be empathetic. So why is my body reacting the way it does?”

Let’s explore…

1. Sympathy vs Empathy -  Sympathy is an emotional outreach to show concern or care for another’s problems whereas empathy is a similar emotional outreach, but one in which you have experienced first hand the same or similar to what someone else is suffering.

Does it matter if you sympathize or empathize?  Not really because you can’t control what your personal experience is with regard to someone else’s situation.  You just want them to know you care. That said, if you experienced similar circumstances to your friend’s problem, the situation  can be more personal to you, and your discussion of it can be that much more connected.

Either way, apologizing for their problem or owning it as your own is not your role in the situation, and yes, will only put unnecessary angst onto you.

If someone is suffering they want a warm safe place to let themselves process their pain or challenge. They don’t need you to solve it for them or to have experienced the same thing. Merely for you to to be a loving supportive place for them

2. Awakening Your Inner Control Freak - There are many who readily acknowledge that they like to be in control of situations.  These same people tend to be worriers, often about things that have nothing to do with them.   I have watched and spoken to many people about their “earnest, loving desire to help” their loved ones who have a problem.  They really do want to help. However, it’s not their problem to solve and nobody asked them to do it.

This behavior is particularly prevalent when it comes to family members - if a child, either young or grown, has a problem or a spouse struggles with their own family relationships or any other issue.  As with sympathy and empathy…. The only thing the problem-sufferer needs or wants is a soft space to share and process. Unless they specifically ask for advice, they don’t want their control freak friends or family to fix it for them. Moms are especially prone to want to swoop in to ensure that their “baby bears” don’t suffer or that they get the outcome that the mother deems best. But it’s not hers to fix.  All that caring becomes a burden on the person who wants to help, but that burden can’t be resolved since it’s not their problem to fix. This doesn’t mean don’t care and don’t inquire. It simply means don’t own what isn’t yours.

If you can’t say you’re sorry, what else can you do? Shift Your Language.

Rather than simply say “I’m sorry” complete the thought:

-“I’m sorry for what you’re going through”

- “I’m sorry that this happened to you”

By adding the descriptive phrase after “I”m sorry” it clarifies that it is their issue and that you are caring for them. Rather than the simple “I’m sorry” that can leave you still feeling like you own it.

But what if the mere inclusion of the phrase “I’m sorry” is a deep trigger for you?  

For the person who emailed me this was the case. Just hearing/saying those words sent her into a state of angst. So, yes, you can avoid the use of the words with phrases like:

”I understand your frustration” or “I wish you didn’t have to deal with this.”  Those express care without ownership.  

The one caveat I would say is to set a goal of understanding the deeper desire to control and fix for others and to learn to release that piece of your burden.  Avoiding the words “I’m sorry” is a helpful crutch toward that bigger emotional shift but long term, you want to not take on problems that aren’t yours.

I’m sorry this is a long, sometimes difficult, process.  I’m excited for how freeing it is to let go of false burdens.  Focus on the freedom.

Trust but verify. That’s the Russian proverb often quoted by Ronald Reagan. It’s a good credo to live by. And, it seems to be more important than ever to rely on yourself to critically listen to, and evaluate, what is being said and written, as people intolerantly declare their opinions as gospel and mainstream media, social media and digital media are mostly aligned in a single point of view. How can you verify things when you don’t have access to the information on all sides of an issue or are afraid to question for fear of being labeled an “ist” of some kind?  This univision world is stacked against our ability to gather accurate information on things like safety in our neighborhoods, the high cost of living, the aftermath of the COVID pandemic, protests and safety on college campuses and more. Every topic has become a political battlefield with people afraid to express their opinions or even to ask questions.  

But is anyone really winning this battle of the filtered messages and flaming verbal darts?

Answer: No. We are all losing. Not just the information war but the freedom of speech and the very vital right and responsibility to self advocate.  It is critical to understand that you, me, we, are all being manipulated by the messaging and the media. This isn’t new… it’s simply gotten worse.  

In 1976 the film Network was released.  In 2019, the film was produced as a Broadway show. I‘ve seen a lot of theater in my life but rarely a performance as powerful as that of Bryan Cranston as news anchor, Howard Beale, who famously “goes crazy” after he is fired for poor ratings and becomes a zealot for exposing the dirty underbelly of the broadcast industry.

The show’s messages of the destructive power of television over society and the self-serving nature of the media business are as relevant today as they were nearly 50 years ago when the film was released. Perhaps even more so in today’s digital age of sound bites and “virtual life.” Truly frightening.

Midway through the show, Beale rants about the power of the “tube”…

“Less than 3% of you people read books…less than 15% of you read newspapers…The only truth you know is what you get over this tube…There is…an entire generation that never knew anything that didn’t come out of this tube…This tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers.”

And this was before cell phones…before the Internet…and before social media. Amazing, right?

We talk now about the dangerous influences of the Internet and social media and the loss of attention span in the digital age. People get their news by scrolling and from push notifications that typically are between five and 15 words long.  Little or no knowledge of the truth behind or beyond those 15 words. We are in a land of headlines and sound bites with little to know fact checking.  And, on more than one occasion, things that the networks deemed “misinformation” were later proven to be true!   We are being systematically lied to yet with everything being spoon-fed to us, people have lost the patience and desire to understand the what and the why of things—they just want the “bottom line.” Short and sweet.

Since the days of JFK, we have watched television make and break presidents. From Nixon’s sweat-filled performance during the 1960 presidential debates…to Reagan’s smooth mastery of communication…Obama’s rousing oratory of “hope and change”… the vilification of President Trump...and now the “firing” of President Biden once his mental lapses were publicly on display at the June debate. There is no question that the directors and producers choose what they want to show us in terms of both content and camera angles. For any given 30- or 60-minute news cast, there is a multitude of possible stories to cover. The news director decides what’s in and what’s out…how long each segment is…and what the angle on the piece is. MSNBC presents a very different version of the immigrants at the southern border than Fox News does. Neither version is entirely right or wrong, but they are different and the viewer is being manipulated by the producers.

Worse yet, while the media is filtering messages for us, we are complicit in not only accepting the messages without question but also in selecting our own filters. In general, people have their points of view, and they want to hear from others who think similarly, aka, “support” them. So we select who we follow on Twitter, the podcasts we download, the websites we visit, the news broadcasts we watch,and the sources of our news feeds. Filtration. One-sided. As Beale says, “You’ll do whatever the tube tells you.”

Then what? Howard Beale tells people to “turn off your television sets!” in order to protect themselves from the mind-numbing impact of the manipulation and the heartlessness that goes along with it.

How prescient the scriptwriters for Network were when they placed the warnings of television’s dangers into Howard Beale’s mouth. Powerful then, life or death now. We are in a death spiral of biased messaging in virtually every information channel. Watch MSNBC or CNN or ABC and get an entirely different world view from that of Fox or Newsmax. There are items reported on each station that never see the light of day on the other. Facebook and Twitter (under Jack Dorsey) have been called to task for their biased filtering—dare I say suppression—of information. There have been multiple demonstrations of the bias in Google’s AI responses to political questions. The public is at their whim, which means that our society is increasingly run by giant propaganda machines and we are all the unwitting participants in the social exercise.

The way out? Get off the sound-bite train…or at least understand that you’re on it and open your mind to input from all places and angles. The pattern of my way or the highway is dangerous. Our country was founded on diversity of thought and beliefs. That diversity made us stronger and provided checks and balances to ensure that no single faction gained too much power. A single message…a single voice…a single point of view…with opposing views being shouted down— is frightening, to say the least, and destructive, to say the most.

Beale tells the audience that if they want the truth, they should look inside themselves. Use their own compass. Trust their eyes and their ears and their hearts. Understand that things happen in real life, not through filters or on screens.

I’m focused on the news, but frankly personal responsibility and self advocacy are for all areas of your life. Setting boundaries in relationships.  Speaking up for your value at work. Asking questions and speaking your preferences at the doctor’s offices.  I know a number of people who have simply turned off the television and shut out the news as a way to protect themselves from the biased messaging and vitriol that is so prominent.  That’s an option and it works to some extent. But it also leaves you uninformed.  

Protect yourself, yes.  But don’t abdicate the power of knowledge nor the privilege of self advocacy. It is vital to your success and even survival.

Twenty five years ago I attended the Landmark Forum, and said that I came out of that weekend fifty pounds lighter as I said good-bye to the enormous burdens that I had carried with me every day for the previous many, many years. I didn’t literally lose fifty pounds, but I did really free myself of the psychological burdens that weighed me down both physically and emotionally.  Things like sibling rivalry complaints… parent “junk”…worry over work drama – not work performance, work drama… self-image insecurities…etc.  Most people are so busy wallowing in their burdens that they don’t even realize that most of them are self-imposed.  My big takeaway from that weekend, and many other coaching experiences since, was how much easier life is when we release ourselves of these self-imposed pressures and simply live.

And I do.. I live my life by some very simple principles that keep me feeling healthy and strong, and protect me from emotional and physical self-destruction.  I thought I’d share them with you so you too can live lighter and freer.

My top 10 simple principles to live by:

1. Tell them you love and appreciate them – I make sure that the people in my life know that they are loved and appreciated. How? I tell them regularly.  Besides telling him I love him, I make sure that my husband, in particular, knows that I notice and appreciate the many little things he does every day to make our life together even better.  
2. Keep your word. Don’t lie. Be trustworthy. This, to me, is so basic and I am astonished every day at the number of people I see lying to themselves and those around them. Why do they do it? I wish I knew.  At the simplest level lying adds stress and complicates your life as you need to keep track of what you said to whom,  and the secrets you are hiding. It harms your psyche and creates inflammation which leads to disease in your body. Life is so much simpler when you’re honest with yourself and with others.
3. Exercise every day… at least 30 minutes. Our bodies are happier when they move because that’s what they were created to do. I am MUCH happier when I move every day. If I don’t exercise at least every other day it not only affects me physically, but my mood is also effected. Some days it’s the gym. Some days it’s pickleball or a hike or snowshoeing or skiing in the winter. Almost every day includes a 1-2 mile dog walk. I am not trying to win any contests. I just want to feel good and like the way I look.

4. Just because they say it you don’t have to take it in – Far too many people spend far too much time being offended. Just because something is said directly or indirectly to you does not mean that you have to believe or accept it.  If you’re keeping your word and doing your best, trust that you are making the right choices for you each day and don’t let “their” issues or insecurities be transferred on to you. This doesn’t mean to reject constructive feedback.  It means to avoid creating drama by believing words that are meant to harm.

5. Eat real food. Drink water. It’s as simple as that. Fresh produce, whole grains, lean proteins, water. Listen to your body for foods that make you feel good and those that don’t agree with you.  If you’re tired or bloated/gassy after eating something then your body is rejecting it.  Even a food that is generally considered healthy may not feel good to you.  In general, avoid wheat, sugar and dairy – these are the biggest offenders to our digestive systems.   What to drink? Water. Just water.
6. Do your best so you don’t have a nagging thought in your head that you could have done better or that you cut corners. I’m always amazed at how hard some people work to avoid doing their best. This is especially prevalent among children who will whine and complain for hours to avoid completing a simple chore. Rather than procrastinating or making excuses, just do it and know that you gave it your all.  If you don’t give it your all, there will always be a nagging little voice in your head that reminds you of it, creating a feeling of shame.
7. Smile and laugh - a lot. You’re here.. you might as well enjoy it.  There is a lot of serious stuff going on in the world, but there are some things that simply are not as serious as we make it out to be.  There is always a time and place for a smile or a laugh.
8. This is especially directed at the younger generations who far prefer texting to talking. Stop hiding behind keyboards and cell phones or avoiding a conversation altogether. Ghosting destroys relationships (obviously) and leaves you with guilt that hides inside knowing that you left someone hanging. Take a moment to actually talk to them, if not in person then via video call or on the phone.  I regularly schedule walk and talk dates with distant friends during dog walk times.
9. Don’t worry. Worry is a waste of emotional space as well as brain space. If you can’t control the situation, influence it or change it, then let go. Worrying will have absolutely no impact on the outcome except to possibly make you sick or in pain. Prepare where you can for whatever problems may arise and then just enjoy the ride.  All the worry in the world won’t change the weather, the traffic, other people’s behavior or thousands of other influences on the outcome of a situation. Better: Imagine and believe in a successful outcome.
10. Keep life simple. More stuff is not necessary. More gadgets are not necessary. Filling every shelf and table top with cute nick knacks makes it difficult to see the special ones.  Can you make do with a knife rather than a single purpose kitchen appliance? Can you put new pictures in the old frames rather than adding more? Are your countertops and tables piled high with papers to be “handled” or filed away? Sure new clothes are fun…see if you can let go of an old item when you bring a new one in.  I always find it a fun game to figure out how to make do with what I have rather than needing to acquire more. When it comes to buying new things for young children keep in mind that clothes are quickly outgrown and toys are quickly forgotten or lost in the rubble.  This isn’t to say don’t get new things… just make it special.

Kisses...

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Here’s something to consider.  As grown-up as you are, you may still be ruled by your parents. Hearing their admonishments in your ears. Living their criticisms. Fearful of them “catching you” breaking a rule or not doing your chores.

I thought I was a totally independent, successful, free adult, and yet I recently realized that even with all of my strength and independence, my father was still extremely present in my day to day life…thirteen years after he passed away!

Yes, there is much good to having your parents’ lessons incorporated into your own values and behavior.  And, after they have passed away, it is through us living those values that their legacy lives on.   But, what if those lessons get a little too loud?  What if instead of simply displaying those opinions and behaviors, deep inside we continue to live as though we are still seeking their approval, fearful of getting caught not doing our homework… or being mean to our siblings… or slacking off when we should be doing our best?  

Ideally, we evaluate the values we are taught as children, incorporating some of them into our own value system and potentially rejecting others if they don’t fit with the goals and vision we have created for our adult life. But, sometimes even the values we choose to maintain are still attached to the parent-child relationship rather than existing as an independent choice we have made as adults. We live those values, but deep inside it is the voice of our parents that motivates us to act.

The lessons I’ve been living aren’t bad ones.  They’re actually quite good.  Be productive. Be your best.  Never give up. Contribute to society.  All great qualities… until I realized that those qualities are running me rather than simply being part of me. Somewhere along the way they became a “religion” if you will.  If I wasn’t driven to be my best or to make sure I was productive and contributing to society each day, then I felt like I had failed and someone would catch me being inadequate. Deep inside, I was still fearful of disappointing my father. But he’s dead!!! Yes.  But, I loved and respected my dad and am realizing that while I took his lessons in deeply, I may have done it too deeply and neglected to fully let myself choose my own path vs continuing on the path of “good daughter.”  

It’s not such a surprise that I integrated dad’s lessons so deeply into myself.  First of all, they were good lessons. But, also, my relationship with my dad was unique in that while he was my father for 53 years at the time of his passing, he was my boss on and off from the time I was 12 years old.  So, I got a double whammy of both messaging and motivation.

While the power of the messaging from my dad may have been somewhat unique, I know from my interactions with hundreds of people that I’m not alone in maintaining this deep parental connection.  It’s both beautiful and self-destructive at the same time.  I watch people’s attachment to approval and connection from parents who are still living, and I watch their drive to live out the legacy for the parents who have passed. All this is great, as long as you are consciously choosing it as an independent adult, allowing yourself the freedom to live those behaviors in your own way.  For me, I thought I was doing it by choice, but my deep seated fear of disappointing my dad and my drive to be the amazing person I was “supposed to be” was stuffed into my body, creating aches and pains in my joints and muscles.

UNMASKING THE PROBLEM

So if I have seen this in so many, why didn’t I see it in myself?  I did…kinda.  Sometimes it takes time to put the breadcrumbs together. And sometimes, you might know something isn’t quite right but you don’t fully acknowleddge it until you are ready to address it.  Such was the case with me.

I’ll share my story so that you can be open to finding your own.  I apologize.. it's a little long.  Here are my puzzle pieces.

Living out my parents’ lessons with pride: As I said above, I learned some great lessons from my Dad and was very proud of my push for productivity and excellence.  I joked with people about how I couldn’t just lay on the couch and watch movies on a weekend afternoon because I’d imagine my dad coming in and suggesting that I do something “productive.”  I prided myself on always being extremely prepared for interviews with experts and meetings of any kind. Even with my current work in children’s education, whenever possible, I make sure to read the book or review a subject for a class where I will be substitute teaching or for a child I am tutoring.  While I never said it to my family, I even secretly wanted my daughters and spouse to be “superstars” so that they would be as amazing as the many remarkable people my father surrounded himself with on a daily basis.

Mystery aches and pains:   I eat an anti-inflammatory diet. I exercise a lot (too much?) and have let go of worry and anger. I don’t take on other people’s problems. I follow all of my own advice from my Awakening Happiness program and yet I couldn’t find on-going release for my tight hips (aggravated by a labral tear) and lower back. I went to assorted body work practitioners.  Nothing structural beyond the labral tear has ever been found, nor have any medical tests demonstrated some underlying health issue… therefore…

… it had to be my body talking to my deep buried emotions and thoughts that I wasn’t consciously acknowledging.

UNLOCKING MY PUZZLE

I see an incredible physical therapist who has helped me adjust and balance my body to keep it in the best alignment it’s been in in years.  She’s also energetically very sensitive. Last week, during a session, we talked about the connections between where and how I held my tightness to the way my brain and buried emotions were running my life.

There are assorted healing modalities that connect different physical ailments to specific emotional challenges.  Chakras… Acupuncture meridians… Traditional Chinese medicine organ systems… and even Louise Hay and her book Heal Your Body.  As we talked about the tightness in my body, and the emotional drivers of my life, I finally was in the right moment of my life to see where and how those deep seated emotions have been buried in my body and effecting me physically and emotionally…how every day I was reinforcing the tightness throughout my body with my irrational need to be my best.  Even as I write this, I am reminded of my father’s mantra:

“Good, better, best, never let it rest…until the good is better and the better is best.”

It’s exhausting isn’t it?

Well…. It’s time to let it rest.  Not to stop being the best person I can be. Not to stop striving for excellence, nor to stop being a great citizen of humanity. Time to do it for me and to give a rest to doing it out of a childish attachment that should have been released many, many, many years ago.

I know this has been a long, unusually self-indulgent exploration. Thank you for hanging with me on it. My hope is that through my story and confession that you will consider looking into your body and soul to see if you, too, have suffered in your quest to be an uber-obedient child still hearing your parents admonitions and wishing to achieve the goals set out by them.  It's time to free yourself.

Questions? Comments? Want to talk about it?  Email me at sarah@sarahhiner.com

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“I’m sorry to hear you’ll be leaving us. Please don’t be insulted that I don’t seem upset by your resignation.”

That‘s what I always told people who resigned during my career, including when I was CEO of Bottom Line Inc., no matter how panicked I was inside about how we would fill their spot. It was the same whether for business, or a personal friend relocating or friend dropping out of a group we both belonged to.

I never begrudged someone leaving, even if it was going to make things very difficult for me or for us. Why not? Because they have shifted within themselves and chosen to pursue their life in a different place. If I gave a counter offer or “begged” for them to change their mind, they may stay for a while but their heart is already in a different place and it would not be successful in the long run.  Besides, I am always excited for people to grow and evolve on their life paths.

I had this situation recently when Stella, the wonderful woman who helped build my Sarah Hiner/Awakening Happiness  website chose to focus on her primary singing career and forego her sideline of providing on-line marketing and technical support. As usual, I had a brief panic when Stella gave me her notice, and then I wished her well and felt only gratitude for all that she has done to help me get to where I am.  And then…

I followed Stella’s advice, and went to the website she recommended where I could find people who could replace her.  I interviewed several and have hired one.  My new person won’t be Stella. “T” will be who he is.  There will be aspects of him that won’t be as talented and charming as Stella and there will be other aspects where he will excel and open new doors for me.

As Maria said in The Sound of Music,  “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.”

So what do you do with people who leave your life, whether it’s business or personal?

Do you  focus on the closed door by simply letting them walk off into the sunset and assume the relationship is lost?  Do you make it about you and get hurt that they are leaving you and then head down an emotional rabbit hole of  self-pity?

Or, do you look at the window that is opening up for you, looking for ways to either retain them in your life, or the possible opportunity to let go of someone who hasn’t really been a positive force for you?

Not to sound crass, but you could label the people in your life like you do the stuff in your closets or basement when you are doing a good clean out:  Keep..Pitch… Give Away.  But in this case I would classify it as Keep…Ditch…File Away.

Think about the person.  Is this really a blessing in disguise, in that they are not someone who is helping you live your best life? They may take from you, criticize you, undermine you or simply don’t energize you. Perhaps since they don’t help you thrive they have provided you with a graceful exit from an otherwise unsatisfactory relationship. Ditch them.

Or, is this a person who fuels you?  Brings you joy? Helps you grow?  Inspires you?  Supports you?  Someone who you want to work hard to stay connected with? Keep them (albiet in a shifted relationship).

The ones who were in your life out of convenience or obligation, weren’t destructive but you weren’t especially close to can be “filed away.”  They can stay on your Christmas card list and you can call them in the future if you happen to be in the same town or have a question that only they can answer, but otherwise you don’t make an effort at having significant or regular contact with them.

It’s an obvious statement to say that people come and people go, especially when you go back to childhood.  Life changes and it’s hard, especially when it means losing people who have been a significant part of your day to day life. The question is whether you face the change with a positive can-do outlook or one of fear and focused on the loss.

Do you say:

“This is an opportunity for a staff upgrade” OR “I don’t know how we will be able to continue without them”

“I hope that our new neighbors will also enjoy Sunday night barbecues.” OR “The neighborhood will never be the same.”

“I guess we will have to phone and facetime regularly, and maybe even schedule walk & talk dates.” OR  “I’m going to have to find a new best friend.”

As with all changes in life, your response is up to you.  Some relationships may fall away, but others – the ones that really matter – will continue, albeit in a different form.  Most of my best friends in the world are currently hundreds if not thousands of miles away from me.  Our hearts will always be connected even if our actual in-person time has dwindled.

As for Stella, I already miss her but can’t wait to see the trajectory of her music career.  And, I am excited at changes coming for my website and my Awakening Happiness program. Stay tuned…

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I’m not sure that pickleball is supposed to be a giggle fest, but it was when I played this week with some ladies that know how to be both competitive and light hearted. No harsh words when shots are missed. No mini-temper tantrums when games are lost.  Just lots of fun banter along with some gentle chiding.  Gosh it feels good to laugh.  And yet, in this era of social and political polarization, many have lost their sense of humor. It’s time to bring laughter and light back into our lives.

Fun… humor  lightness.   Mocking our own human frailties and oddities.  We seem to have forgotten how to have fun as social justice warriors have decided that what used to be thought of as playful banter are actually statements of oppression.  Are they right?  Or are they just taking life wayyyy too seriously and applying meaning that simply isn’t there?

Either way, it’s tragic since humor and laughter actually connects humanity and has been shown to increase group cohesion.  In fact, according to a study from 2011 at University of Oxford, people were 30 times more likely to laugh when in group settings than when alone. In his book, The Hero Code, Admiral William McRaven outlines ten characteristics of heroism.  Among them is humor, which he states was vital for team building and connection at every step of his military career – even and especially during life and death moments.

Other studies have shown how laughter releases endorphins that simply makes us feel good – so good in fact that laughter and its related endorphin release have been shown to reduce the perception of pain. Sounds like perfect medicine.

Then why are we running around being so serious and grumpy all the time? Which is making us sicker both mentally and physically.

I looked to see how researchers have defined what makes something funny, and fascinatingly they were actually very serious for such a fun subject, taking a dark view of humor with three primary theories.  Ancient Greek philosopher, Plato, said that the roots of humor were in what is called “Superiority Theory” – that people make themselves feel better by putting someone else down.  Freud rooted humor in what he called “Relief Theory” where humor releases nervous tension that was internally upsetting.  Of course Freud being Freud, he rooted most of these tensions in sexual or hostile energy which our libido feels and our ego and/or super ego suppresses. Darn that ego!  It ruins all the fun! And the third theory of humor – which is not as dark as the others –  has to do with “incongruity” – things are funny because they are not what we expected them to be.

When analyzed clinically like this, yes, humor sounds kind of mean. Let me make a joke about your poor cooking or that time you struck out in the big game and lost the championships for the team so I won’t feel bad about my own foibles (Superiority Theory)… or I can make jokes about your weird personal habits since I secretly know that I do my own weird things behind closed doors (Relief Theory).

These jokes could be thought of as mean and exclusionary and insulting or they could actually be connecting us all through our shared insecurities. Yes, we all have insecurities.

Comics point out and talk about the things that we all secretly know and we are embarrassed about – bathroom humor, smells, sex, our mental shortcomings, our personality traits. Admit it or not, we all have behavioral quirks and mental shortcomings of one sort or another. Stop pretending you don’t. If you go outside with a huge spot on your shirt, everyone sees it so someone says “what did you do?  Spill your soup at lunch?”  They are merely pointing out the obvious. Making a public statement merely lets us know that we are normal in our own dorky ways.

But soup spills are different than ethnic jokes or ones about personal physiques.  Perhaps, but we all have unique personal physiques and ethnicities about which jokes can be made. Chiding can occur as much for being tall as being short.. for being fat as being thin.  Every nationality has their cultural traits that bind them together, so why be insulted if other people notice them? Many of my Jewish friends complained about their curly hair.. Asians have straight hair and when wrestler Tamara Mensah-Stock became the first U.S. black woman to win an Olympic gold medal in wrestling and she was asked about the importance of her win, she talked about the “puff balls” of her hair: “These young women are going to see themselves in a number of ways and they’re gonna look up there and go, I can do that ’cause I can see myself,” Mensah-Stock said. “Look at this natural hair! Come on. I mean sure, I brought my puff balls out so they can know you can do it, too.”

Horrors. She joked about the obvious…her puffy hair.

So why are we so serious?  Are we really worried about others and their hurt feelings? Or is it really about our own deep insecurities?  More globally, has the era of participation trophies and demonizing those who are successful for fear of harming the self-esteem of those who are less successful simply gotten out of control? What started as an earnest effort to help everyone believe they belonged has created a monster that has made no one belong.

Humor binds us together – the hypersensitivity in the name of protecting people’s feelings is driving us apart. The truth is that as humans and animals we will continue to have thoughts and insecurities. All of the political correctness in the world will not change it. We need to stop pretending these things don’t exist.

“If you laugh with someone, there’s a marvelous moment of emotional contact between the two of you.” John Cleese

At least once a day I get a text from someone that says “LOL.”  But when’s the last time you really LOL-ed?  Go on.. try it and see how it feels to really laugh out loud.  Let’s make laughter go viral.

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by Sarah Hiner

“Dear Aunt Sarah and Uncle Ron – Thank you so much for our wonderful week together… Every day was an adventure:  hikes… golf cart driving… a concert with my favorite singer… hot springs [in the rain!]... historic towns… I cherished it all. And, filled our evenings with shared meals and spirited conversations… I truly loved every minute of it.”

Besides having a GREAT time with her, I’m so proud of my niece, “J”.  She was soooooo out of her comfort zone when she came to stay with us in the mountains of Colorado for a week, and yet she pushed past her boundaries, rose to every challenge presented and succeeded with flying colors, learning that she has an inner strength far greater than she might have previously thought.  What was the key to her success? Trusting that she was safe, but also I believe that her natural curiosity and desire to learn allowed her to open her mind and confront fears that might have otherwise held her back.

Several years ago “J” might not have done half of those things – but she’s grown up a lot in the past few years and she’s invested a lot of time and effort in confronting fears and building her strength from the inside out. Through that process she’s seeing the expanse of power that she has and she’s learning to access it, one step at a time and one day at a time.

This is my motto for life:  that people have far more power in their lives than they realize. They just need to understand how to access it.

There’s always a reason why not to do something. It’s certainly easier to stay on the couch in your comfy clothes, then to put on your “presentable clothes” and head over to that town meeting or book club or some other group get together or event.  But here’s a quote from my husband tonight after going to a meeting he didn’t feel like going to:  “I’m coming home. Well worth it. Thx for encouraging me to go.”  Woohoo! Rather than being the “same old boring meeting” that he was dreading, there was a wonderful guest speaker who expanded his horizon.

Comfort zones come in all shapes and sizes but common to all is the degree of safety vs. fear. It can be as simple as not buying a new dress because it can be hard to find something that you feel good in. Or as complicated as asking a boss for a raise, moving to a new city, adopting a dog or cat, or deciding you need to end your marriage. Scary is, well… scary.

Sadly, we increasingly live in a fear based society, as people of all ages, but teens and young adults in particular, are diagnosed with assorted versions of anxiety, which by definition is driven by fear.

It’s safe inside and scary outside. We are inherently more comfortable with what is familiar, even if it’s not ideal, than we are with the unknown. People would rather stay in a bad job or bad marriage than face the discomfort of a job search or the very significant discomfort of dissolving a marriage and starting life anew.  Even at the simplest level – hiking up a mountain or joining a book club for the first time – the process is the same: stay in the comfort zone and don’t try something new, or take a chance on expanding your horizons and experiencing joy, excitement, enthusiasm. People who stay in bad jobs may feel “safe,” but they are not experiencing joy, excitement or enthusiasm.

My niece has a very busy and curious mind. We had wonderful conversations about both simple topics and more complex ones. She was always interested in exploring all sides of a topic and learning new things.  The same held true for our activities. She wasn’t terribly experienced at altitude or with heights, but she was fascinated by the varied geology of Colorado and the beautiful terrain. It was the drive to understand and experience the new that won out over fears of discomfort.  

Safe may sound good, but it can be a suffocating slow death of self-destruction. Humans need growth. They need variety. They need excitement. They need the release of feel good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins, all of which get released when you meet new people and try new

Are there things you’ve been holding yourself back from? Can you get curious about it? How would it feel? What really happens there? Why does it work like that? Open your mind and catalyze your desire for the fascinating and when your curiosity finally beats your fears, you can live in the other kind of “why not” as in “why not give it a try?’

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by Sarah Hiner

Where do you go for some more mustard in an emergency? Or if your dog has been home alone for hours and you’re stuck in traffic? I know where I go for my phone-a-friend assist: my neighbors.

There is nothing better than having great neighbors as they create an expanded sense of safety and security as well as expanded social connection. Even if you have family and friends “nearby” it’s not the same as having someone moments away in good times and during emergencies (like that empty mustard jar when the hot dogs just came off the grill).  

I grew up in a magical neighborhood, not unlike other urban areas of the 1960s where packs of kids roamed the streets, taking ourselves to the park around the corner and the candy store on the way to school. We had annual Wizard of Oz pajama parties at my friend “Mary’s” house so we could watch the classic film on the only color TV in the neighborhood.  My bedroom window was ten yards away from my dear friend “Patty’s” window, and 64 years later I will be attending the wedding of her son this November.  She’s not a friend.. she’s a sister to me.

Even though we all moved away from that neighborhood over 50 years ago, we have found each other on Facebook too. It’s crazy that I regularly trade messages with people I haven’t seen since I was seven and yet there is a heartfelt closeness that bonds us together.

I honestly don’t know where I would be without my neighbors… from my childhood, from my kids’ childhood and in our new neighborhood.

My kids had a similar experience to me, growing up in a neighborhood filled with kids and the freedom to wander in and out of each others’ houses. There were seven houses on our little cul de sac with 16 kids. It was a new street and we were all relatively new parents creating roots in a new town together. We needed each other for the sake of our kids and the sake of our sanity. The kids were lucky enough to have an assortment of toy rooms and back yards so there was always somewhere new and interesting to play, and they had an array of mothers available for snacks and to clean boo-boos.  

There are many jokes about the neighborhood busy-body – the one who peeks out the front window to see who is going in and out of the neighbor’s houses. Well, In this day and age, I will take a busy body any time.  On “Whispering Hill”,  the cul de sac where we raised our girls,  we had an informal pact that we would all keep an eye on the street and the neighbors’ houses. We needed each other, especially since without through traffic, a cul de sac can be more vulnerable to crime. In our new neighborhood in Colorado, we are regularly watching out for neighbors’ houses who don’t live here full time, and there is a group text thread to alert each other if bears have been spotted nearby.

Sure there are Ring doorbells and Nest cameras, but there is no replacing human interaction and care.

I’m thrilled that my daughter and her husband bought a home a few years ago next door to an elderly couple who have lived in the same place for decades. What a gift for both of them.  The “kids” have helped out the oldsters on multiple occasions when physical strength was needed for a task. And “Helmut” keeps his watchful eye on the neighborhood and the kids’ house earnestly speaking up to be sure that everything is alright. In addition, they have acquired new friends and a network of dog owners and dog lovers who help out when pet parents are in a pinch and Fido needs a quick walk or place for an overnight.

What’s your neighborhood like? Do you have people who you can go on an early morning walk with? Borrow a trowel to plant some bulbs? Call to watch the kids if you’re stuck in traffic? Or do you live in a neighborhood of the 2020’s where people exist on the privacy of their screens, but not in public? Here are some thoughts of how to let down those fences…

• Walk the neighborhood. This is of course far easier if you have a dog but even if you don’t get out and see who else is out there. I can’t tell you how many people I have met in my new neighborhood on my daily dog walks.
• Bring over a welcome gift to new neighbors… some flowers, bottle of wine, home made cookies or granola.
• Catch them when they’re outside.
• Walk your kids to the bus stop. I am shocked at how many people drive their kids to the bus stop, staying in their cars until the bus arrives. Walk to the corner... get a little exercise and fresh air. And a little conversation with the neighbors. They’re all in their cars? Maybe you’ll start a trend.
• It’s never too late to introduce yourself. Even if you’ve lived there for a while, that doesn’t mean you can’t knock on the door when you know they’re home and introduce yourself.
• And, if all else fails, put a note in their mail box with your contact info and asking for theirs “Hi Neighbor. We haven’t had a chance to talk but I’d love to. Here’s my contact info. Can we have a cup of tea one day?  Or just a driveway chat?”  We had a new neighbor who left a note and a jar of jelly beans. What a sweet way to announce their arrival.

It may be awkward at first, but building strong neighborhood bonds creates a unique extended family for all involved. A few weeks ago it was very surreal to meet the two young children of one of the kids who grew up with my girls. And we have three weddings to attend this fall: two are kids who roamed the cul de sac with our girls, and the other is the son of my “sister” Patty. Meanwhile I was honored last spring to be asked by my Colorado neighbors to be stand-in-grandparent for their daughters’ grandparents day at school. Even though I felt too young for the role, it was an honor I will forever treasure.

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by Sarah Hiner

“I’m Bored”… a constant cry from children, but sadly also from many adults.   In my world, there’s no such thing as boredom.  There may be routine.  There may be lack of excitement worthy of a Facebook mega post.  There may be no planned events on your calendar, but that doesn’t make life boring. And, having a quiet day doesn’t make you unhappy, depressed or deprived. In fact a quiet day makes you calmer, freer and potentially more productive.

Let’s reframe “I’m bored” to something a little more inspiring…

- I have a consistent and effective rhythm and routine to my life

- My health and the health of my loved ones seems to be in order - no medical emergencies

- No other life emergencies are requiring my attention or crisis management

- I have a much needed rest and recovery day

- I have the opportunity to have a quiet reflective day

- I have the opportunity to complete some task or project that has been cast aside due to other priorities, but today there is the ability to complete it.

Humans are so funny.  We are obsessed with finding imperfections around us rather than satisfaction. This is an amazing survival technique since it keeps us constantly growing and improving, but it is also exhausting to our neurological system.  We complain that it’s hot in the summer and then complain that it’s cold in the winter. Our closets may be full, but we have nothing to wear.  Chicken for dinner again???

Underneath it all, we like movement and change, which is great. But, our fast paced immediate gratification, over-stimulated world has taken that to excess and it is wearing us down. It is making us impatient and intolerant, and yes, constantly bored.

Where did it start?  I would say it started in the mid-80s when cable television and it’s extensive array of viewing options skyrocketed and MTV revolutionized the delivery of music with their dynamic and fast paced videos.  At the same time, the television advertising world introduced :10 and :15 second commercials. I remember giving a presentation to our client, mega-food-company General Foods, about the reduction in consumers’ attention span and the need to make messages more succinct and attention grabbing.  

Forty years later we have kids with over-scheduled lives and who have been raised on screens who have lost the art of enjoying the quiet and using their imaginations. Adults are not much better.  However, it’s in the quiet that creativity occurs.  You can’t be creative when you are being stimulated in every moment.   There are no gaps for your brain to fill in when there is a constant barrage of binge-watching Netflix, social media scrolling or schedule juggling.

This afternoon I had the privilege of four hours of non-scheduled time, since I drove a friend to an appointment and then had to wait four hours until she was done.  It wasn’t the most exciting day of my week but probably the most important.  I was grateful for the opportunity to sit still since I spend so much time moving and going, allowing my mind and my body some recovery time.

How did I fill my time?

• Caught up on a couple of phone calls - I had some people I hadn’t spoken to in a while, so took advantage of the lack of distractions to give a call.
• Meandered at the outlet stores - Where I live there is limited shopping - the grocery store.. Walmart. Home Depot. Costco and some specialty boutiques.  So, I went on a mini-vacation meandering in a few of the stores coming home with some very big bargains: two mini spatulas and a bread pan.  
• Started writing this blog.  I’m sitting by a beautiful reservoir.  Looking out a the water and my mind is clear to dream and create.

No, I didn’t meditate or even sit quietly at the edge of the lake I was near.  I simply appreciated the different pace of the day and the ability to do simple things like meander and chat with loved ones.

How do you fill your time?  How do you frame your life?  Is it overscheduled and hyper stimulated?  Or, do you have built in pacing and calm?  And do you consider that quiet boring or beneficial?  At the risk of sounding boring, enjoy the “bore.”

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by Sarah Hiner

It’s super-simple…the happier we are, the healthier we are and vice versa. It has been shown time and again that happy people live longer and have lower incidence of heart disease, stroke and other conditions. Yet we are burdened and surrounded by unhappiness at every turn. Not just a little malaise—I mean serious, angry, name-calling, “my life sucks” unhappiness.

My new mission: Helping people rediscover the happiness within them…the happiness that our bodies were created to enjoy…the happiness and peace that we had as children but that has been scheduled, regulated and “competitioned” out of us.

How am I going to do that?

Through the years, I’ve spent a lot of time reading about and researching happiness. There are so many theories and so many strategies to feel happier every day. And all of them have merit—kind of like diets. They all work once you find the methods that work for you. And much like dieting, you need different tactics at different times.

But none of these strategies will work if you’re not clear about what true happiness is for you. You can’t find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for. Frankly, I think most people don’t experience true happiness because they have a false understanding of what happiness is. That results in deep disappointment and feelings of unhappiness and, dare I say, depression.

Oddly, we frequently talk about all the things that make us unhappy, but happiness seems to be far more elusive.

There’s what I will call “Hollywood happy”—or should I call it “social-media perfect”? Everyone is always smiling and has perfect hair, healthy bodies, sunny days and beautiful clothes. They live in lovely neat houses with no clutter or mess. They have perfect relationships, gaggles of friends and perfect star-athlete, star-musician, honor-roll children.We all know that no one’s life is truly like that. And thinking that we have to live up to those standards only creates insecurity and can lead to low self-esteem and depression. And yet, deep down inside, many of us believe that we are supposed to smile and be happy all the time.  I remember my Grandmother’s constant inquiry: “is everybody happy?” to which the only answer was “yes!”

When we fall into this all-or-nothing thinking, we actually set ourselves up for unhappiness—the lack of happy—because we have so much “evidence” of failure. But it’s false thinking. Happiness is not a singular constant state. It comes and goes, and can take on different forms at different times.No one is happy 100% of the time. Our jobs aren’t perfect all the time. Our spouses and partners are not perfect all the time. Nor are our kids and our friends. It’s vital to understand that having those moments of “not happy” does not mean that you are entirely unhappy or that your life sucks. It just means that life has its better and less-better moments. And it is the less-better moments that help us recognize the value and beauty of the good moments. Even people in sunny California wish for rain sometimes.

My friend, Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum says that happiness starts with freeing ourselves from the burdens that we place on ourselves and those around us. How do we frame those less-better moments? And what do we say to ourselves about them? He talks about the self-destructiveness of judgment (I’m a failure…I’m fat…I can’t do that)…blame (My parents are mean…my boss doesn’t get it…it’s not fair that)…excessive obligations…and more that we impose on ourselves. Most of us aren’t even aware of the constant self-chatter that blocks our ability to feel good. It goes well beyond just thoughts and emotions…it can suppress the release of the hormones that actually make us feel good.

If I asked you to rate your happiness level today, where would it be on a scale of one to 10? I mean big picture, overall—where are you on a happiness scale?

Are you having a hard time picking a single number? That’s not surprising.

How about this instead…can you make a list of the things that made you feel happy yesterday? Can you make a list of the things that were annoying or made you unhappy yesterday? Is it easier to make a list of the unhappy things?

It’s frighteningly easy to live in the unhappy side of life… and then complain about it and wish for things to be better. But, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you’re likely already living in happiness…you just don’t realize it yet.

You can’t reach a goal if you aren’t clear about what it is…and that means you won’t be happy if you aren’t clear about what that experience feels like. I urge you to take some time and see if you can find your definition of happiness…and, with that as the marker, go back and rate yourself on a happiness scale.  Once you realize what’s important to happiness, you may be pleasantly surprised at how great you have it.

by Sarah Hiner

Wow, country singer Zac Brown was looking very hunky. None of us could believe how fit and good looking he was when we saw him perform last night. Muscular. Great smile. Well groomed. This was a far cry from the squishy, scruffy guy I remembered seeing in the past. He was full of joy and excited about life. What happened?  

A quick “google” and an article from “Hello”  Magazine taught me that several years ago Brown, age 45, decided he wanted to be a “ripped old dude” -  fit and present when he’s 70 for his five kids. That meant good-bye squishy, hello gymnasium.

What was his inspiration? A conversation with Bruce Springsteen, one of the fittest performers around who, at age 74, has the body of someone a fraction of his age. When asked by Brown, “what was something that helps him stay feeling good” Bruce’s advice was simple: sweat for an hour a day. Simple. Clear. Easy. He didn’t say what Zac Brown should do. Just that he should do something. Move and sweat. Work your muscles. Work your heart. Sweat out the junk.

And so it started for Zac Brown: the desire to be healthy and strong for his children and a plan to simply sweat for an hour every day.

Based on obesity rates, as well as obesity related illness statistics, Brown is in the minority. Far too many Americans might “want” to be fit, but they either don’t have strong enough motivation to do it or they don’t know how to do it. Why not? Well, let’s look at some of the reasons people give for not being more physically fit and/or eating healthier.

I’m sure you’ve heard them all… and maybe even used them… but do they really hold up against Zac Brown’s desire to be actively involved with his kids?

1. I’m too tired

2. I don’t get up that early

3. I don’t have time in my day due to my kids’ schedules

4. Work is too demanding. I don’t have time to exercise (or to cook healthy meals)

5. Exercise is boring

6. The gym is expensive

7. I don’t have anyone to do it with

8. I hate drinking water

9. I don’t like vegetables

10. I have no time to cook

11. My kids are picky eaters

12. I’m a terrible cook

13. I’m hungry when I get home from work and just want to eat. Not just start cooking

14. It’s too expensive to eat healthy

15. I can’t live without my [ice cream, chocolate, wine, potato chips…]


The list goes on and on, but you get the idea. How many have you used? Numbers one and four have been prominent on my list of excuses, even today when I pride myself on working out 6-7 days/week.

The question is are these legitimate excuses? Can they be overcome? If you were paid a million dollars and someone threatened you saying “change or die” could you figure out a way to eat better and be more active? I would say “yes.”

A million dollars and fear of certain death are certainly good motivators. What about some things that are a little less extreme?  

1. Teaching your children to ride a bicycle

2. Dancing at your child’s wedding

3. Dancing at your GRANDchild’s wedding

4. Participating in a 5k run for your favorite charity

5. Keeping medical expenses down - prescription drugs are extremely expensive

6. Walking your new puppy that is far more energetic than you realized when you got it

7. Enjoying the retirement you always dreamed of

8. Travelling the world like you and your spouse dreamed of  

9. Growing old together with your spouse/partner

10. Being able to participate in assorted activities with friends and family

Yes it takes some planning and commitment to turn your excuses into successes. But think about the flip side. Do you really want to be too sickly to play with your grandchildren? Do you really want to drag through the next 10-20-30-40 years achy and tired? Do you not want to grow old with your beloved?

The time is now. Brown was talking about his desire 25 years in the future, when he’s 70, but, rather than start in 24 years, he started several years ago. If you don’t start now to lay the foundation, it may be too late later. You can’t train your bad knees ruined by excess weight and an inflammatory diet to suddenly be ready to participate in the kick ball game at your college reunion. And once you have a stent or two inserted into your heart, you are at a significant increased risk of premature death vs. had you not required stents in the first place.  

To make the change, step one is to identify your motivation? The answer is probably quite simple… for the sake of your kids… your happiness… your spouse or partner.  

Then, you need to get that inspiration into your daily focus. Find a picture of that inspiration and tape it to your fridge. Your mirror. Your car. Your desk. Your computer. So that every time you see the sweet smiling face of the person you want to be with or the place you want to visit or the salsa dancing you want to do, you’re reminded of that vision and inspired to choose change.

I’m not saying it’s easy. There may be discomfort. There may be inconvenience. There may be all sorts of challenges. But think about the likely uncomfortable, unhappy life if you don’t start taking care of yourself toda

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by Sarah Hiner

My friends are falling apart. Well, not literally falling apart, but many people I know have been “falling apart,” suffering from an array of ailments that include migraines, incapacitating back pain, stomach bugs, chronic coughs, vertigo and weird allergic reactions. To me, this is a sign that people are overwhelmed either with their personal lives or by the national and global strife that seems to get worse every day.

Our bodies often know us better than we know ourselves. If we listen, they guide us to find true healing for many chronic health issues.

When I was young, my father always said that colds were ploys for sympathy. I thought he was being critical of, and unkind to, people who had simply caught colds. After all, sometimes people simply get sick.

But the more I read about acupuncture meridians, Eastern chakras, metaphysics and mind-body-spirit connections… and the more I watched the world around me… the more I realized that Dad may have not have used the softest language, but he had made an important observation—when people get colds, they really do need a little extra love and attention. They often catch them when their defenses are down due to stress, overwork, lack of sleep or other things that suppress their immune systems. I know some people who spend a whole lot of energy taking care of others, and the only respite they get is when they themselves catch a cold—not a serious illness but just enough sickness to give themselves permission to take a break from their caretaking. And when those in my family get colds, they definitely are looking for a few extra hugs and need to push “pause” on the world for a brief time.

The late John E. Sarno, MD, former professor of rehabilitation medicine at New York University School of Medicine, turned rehab and back-pain treatment upside down when he wrote Healing Back Pain and identified that much of back pain is not physical, no matter what the X-rays and MRIs reveal. Rather it was something he called Tension Myoneural Syndrome—the development of physical pain as a distraction for intense emotional pain, anger and resentment that people suppress rather than release in one way or another.

Think about people you have known who suffer back issues. How many of them also had some deep anger or other emotion that they were stuffing rather than releasing? I have known a number of people who fit this description. And I remember a time when I had some back spasms totally out of the blue. Once I realized that I had some intense frustrations and restrictions going on in my life, the pains eased. Fascinating.

Our bodies use physical “break-downs” to simultaneously distract us from the emotional pain that we are feeling and as a guide to direct us toward healing… that is, if you understand the language of the body.

One of my favorite healers was the late Louise Hay. She wrote the breakthrough book You Can Heal Your Life, in which she makes a very powerful case for the connection between our emotional health and our physical health. Her core philosophy: What we give out, we get back. What we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us.

Louise said, “I believe that everyone, myself included, is responsible for everything in our lives—the best and the worst. Every thought we think is creating our future. Each one of us creates our experiences by our thoughts and our feelings. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences.”

In other words, our minds govern our experiences and our bodies. Live in a world of love and gratitude for yourself and for others, and bathe yourself in love. Live in a world of negative self-talk and negative judgment about the world, and you bathe yourself in negativity that manifests into physical symptoms and disease. Louise was famously known for healing her own “incurable” cervical cancer by releasing the emotional demons that had controlled her body as a result of physical and sexual abuse she suffered when she was young.

Hay wrote many books, including Heal Your Body A-Z based on her experiences treating thousands of patients. It is a listing of different ailments and their emotional connections.

Readers of my blog know that I have suffered from very tight hips over the past few years. According to Hay’s book, that translates into “fear of going forward on major decisions.” Yes—the complicated decisions and planning with regard to selling our publishing company, selling our family home and relocating to a new area of the country required some very difficult decisions and steps into the unknown. It’s no surprise that my hips would be tight, as they hold the key to my forward motion in the world.

Fascinating how young children, dealing with the pressures of school, miraculously come down with tummy aches (dread…fear of the new…inability to assimilate the new) and headaches (invalidating the self…self-criticism…fear) when they don’t want to go to school.

I know there are those of you who will read this and think, Absolutely not…Sarah has lost her mind. Maybe. But what if I haven’t? When I read the emotional connections for many common ailments, I can’t tell you how often, in my humble observations, the “pattern fits the people.” Pimples (small outbursts of anger)…thyroid problems (“I never get to do what I want to do. When is it going to be my turn?”)…gastritis or prolonged stomach pain (prolonged uncertainty…a feeling of doom)…rash (irritation over delays)…asthma (feeling stifled…suppressed crying).

Here’s my suggestion: Open your mind. Open your heart. And observe yourself and those around you. Yes, sometimes a sickness is just a sickness, especially in young children. But as we get older, sometimes a sickness is more than just germs. There’s a reason that our bodies let down their guard in certain energy zones. If you are sick or get sick, pay attention to your emotional health. Reflect with no fear of judgment. Write in a journal to try to uncover what else you are feeling deep inside. Let it all out, and figure out a way to either address the problems or accept that the world is not fitting into your wishes and let those frustrations go. Fill the space with positive and constructive thoughts that can propel you forward. If you can get past the craziness of the concept, you just may be able to feel a whole lot better.

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by Sarah Hiner

At the ages of 65 and 62 my parents moved from NJ, where they had lived within a 15 mile radius for their entire lives, to Connecticut. The hardest part, according to my father, was finding new service people. The new bakery. New dry cleaners. New coffee shop. New barber.  New plumber.  New doctors and dentist. The many “invisible” people that make up your community beyond your family, friends and neighbors.  In some ways I view this group as an “extended family” given that we generally have long term relationships with them, sharing stories and life’s various stages with them. They make me feel safe. They help me feel included and part of something bigger than me.

I moved to Colorado two years ago, and realized the other day how many people I have not released from my 38 year life in Connecticut – my dentist, my eye doctor, my hair stylist, even my nail salon!  Why not? Because they all do a really good job and given how long we have known each other I am not ready to let go of the level of comfort that comes with long term relationships.

It sounds silly, but it was super cute getting my nails done with both my daughters a few months ago when we had my daughter’s bridal shower at the same salon that has been painting their nails since they were toddlers. The same ladies have worked there for thirty years and watched my kids graduate high school, go to prom, graduate college and now get married… and I have watched their kids grow up as well.

Before you ask, yes, I have found many new people in Colorado, but, for some it’s been more challenging. In some cases my Connecticut friends are better (or cheaper)… and for others I have been forced to stick with my old friends since where I live in the mountains has a “short bench” of providers in certain industries.  I am fortunate in that I travel east frequently to visit my aging mother, so that I can continue to have these great people in my life.

Having a strong extended support system with great service people in the community helps you feel at home. It feels great to walk in to the coffee shop and order “the usual.” Or  to have the dentist ask to see photos of your new dog or child’s wedding. Or simply to have the dry cleaner run to get your clothes without asking for your name or number and for the plumber to return your phone call. It feels good to be known.

The importance of the feeling of belonging was a lesson taught to me early in my advertising career when I did some market research for a leading hotel in Colorado Springs. The client repeatedly told us how they were selling their customers the feeling of being home – that they are welcomed by name, that the people who worked at the hotel introduced themselves to the guests, and that guests feel safe and comfortable throughout their stay.

So what is it that makes me so attached to my “crew”?  It’s really quite simple and includes basic tenets of what make any community strong. They are...

• … Good at their jobs. Professional. Knowledgeable.
• ….Trustworthy.  I can trust that I will have my problem resolved at a fair price.
• … Welcoming.  Look you in the eye, smile and say hello when you arrive. No one wants to enter a store or medical office to see grumpy people.
• … Reliable.  How many times have you complained about someone not delivering on time or arriving as scheduled?  
• …Accommodating. Will they help fit you in for a “sort-of-emergency”?  Not like a my-kitchen-is-flooding emergency.  Just an I-just-found-a-spot-on-the-dress-I-need-to-wear-to-a-wedding-tomorrow or the-check-engine-light-just-came-on-and-we-are-leaving-Monday-for-a-big-roadtrip kind of emergency.

One important reminder. Creating this community is not all their job. Like all relationships it takes two. I have nurtured these relationships as well. I smile and say hello. I express gratitude for their service, especially when they have accommodated my special needs. I learn the names of assistants and office staffs as well as the main service provider. I am loyal and stick with them even when things haven’t gone perfectly. I ask them questions about their lives, seeing them as humans rather than merely the hired help. I really view them as relationships and that’s exactly what I created, a fabulous network of relationships with a diverse group of people.

As you are well aware, the greater your social network, the healthier and longer life you will have. Feeling safe and connected reduces stress. Having people you can rely on reduces stress. Less stress = more happiness.  

Here’s an interesting exercise – try making a list of your “extended family” and think about your history and connection with each of them. I think you’ll be surprised and comforted by how big it is and the village it takes to help you have your great life.

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by Sarah Hiner

I just don’t understand so many people being so angry all the time. Sure I have my momentary frustrations, but have you noticed how many people are chronically angry? They have super short fuses, and seem to rage about just about anything. Needless to say social media is teeming with a whole lot of angry individuals who are sorely in need of some anger management.  

Besides the fact that my body and soul recoil from angry people, I am genuinely sad and scared for them because their anger is both perpetuating and exacerbating their problems. Anger never solves anything, yet it increases the risk of physical illness, troubled relationships and mental health issues The angrier you are, the higher your chances of getting sick. Not just heart attacks, strokes and ulcers—chronic stress directly affects production of lymphocytes, the cells that fight viruses including West Nile and COVID-19.

This is just one reason that I’ve developed my 21 Day Awakening Happiness program: to help people understand and find happiness in a whole new way. But for the moment, I want to focus on how stress and anger are undercutting your happiness from a biochemical perspective. As long as you’re drowning yourself with cortisol with every spike of frustration, you are simultaneously increasing your risk for illness and suppressing your ability to be happy…seriously.

Not only does cortisol—the hormone released when our emotions flare— create inflammation which leads to pain and sickness, it also reduces the levels of our feel-good hormones, including dopamine and serotonin. It’s like weeds smothering the healthy grass and preventing it from growing—literally suppressing it. The more stressed you are, the less able your body is to physically feel joy. You can’t be happy when you are lacking in these brain chemicals.

It’s a vicious cycle—you want to feel and be happy, but you get stressed. Then you become stressed and frustrated that your life is so unhappy that your body aches, your head hurts, your back stiffens and you just feel “crappy.”

So today I want to help you break the cycle with an exercise - not a sweaty exercise…a do-something exercise.

Step one is awareness—literally slowing down and observing the connection between your thoughts and your body.

We are so busy living our lives and jumping from task to task that we have disassociated our bodies from our brains and our feelings. Our bodies function as vessels to get us from here to there, but we don’t connect what’s going on in our thoughts and feelings with how well our bodies function. The fascinating thing is that if you start observing what you think and how your body reacts to it, you will see that there is a direct line.

Let me give you a feel-good example. Think about watching your child graduate from school…in your mind hear the processional music and see all the excited graduates in their ceremonial gowns. You probably get goosebumps all over your body.

Or think about that rush of excitement when you saw your music idol step on a concert stage. When your emotions are high, your body reacts with warmth, goosebumps and more.

Now, on the flip side, is the tension that arises when we are stressed or angry—tightness in your chest or across the crown of your head…fogginess in your brain because you can’t think straight…churning in your stomach…raised shoulders…back or neck pain. What happened? What caused it? A frustrating phone call or a long line at the grocery store or an upsetting item on the news—any of a million things. The sad part is that this reaction happens dozens—possibly even hundreds—of times during the day, and with each episode, your body releases cortisol, which suppresses your immune system as well as your joy.

Here is the exercise that I suggest you try. Use a journal or any notepad—paper or digital—to help you become an observer of your own body and jot down every time you feel a negative response occur. In your journal, put the following four headings…

Date

Time

I Felt…

What happened right before…

And then fill in the entries throughout the day. Here are some examples to help you…

I Felt: Pretend that you’re a hypochondriac who is very alert to your body’s every change. Did your stomach churn? Jaw clench? Head get thick? Shoulders tighten? Heart rate pick up? Chest tighten? Watch for every reaction—big or small—that your body has to the negative stimulus.

What happened right before? What did you see? What did someone say? What did someone do? What did you hear? What did you think?

At the simplest level, watch for small irritations throughout the day—the slow line at the store, poor cell-phone service, your children leaving messes around the house, your spouse doing that annoying thing that drives you crazy and, yes, even how you react to the news or social-media posts…you know the ones. Observe the chatter in your mind and the tension in your body.

The goal is to become aware of the connection between your mind and your body. Once you do that, you can change your reactions and preserve your health.

No one is judging you, so don’t be defensive. The point is to catch ourselves during these moments and see how our bodies are connected to them and respond to protect us.

Do this for a few days just to become aware of the experience.  Write down your experiences and review so you can see the patterns.

By identifying the thoughts and situations that cause your body to revolt, you can adjust your mind-set and disrupt the physical responses to rein in your cortisol spikes and allow your happy hormones to do their job.

After a few days of observation, start to take action to stop that cortisol rush. How? With distraction—similar to the distraction techniques used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). As soon as you see/feel yourself sliding down the cortisol path, distract yourself with anything that redirects you. The goal is to stop your negative reaction and the biochemical cascade that comes with it.

Start building an arsenal of strategies that you can rely on to distract yourself from upsetting situations. When you realize that you’re about to fall into a quicksand of negativity, do something to redirect your thoughts. It can be as simple as turning up the music or singing a song. Or, think about your adorable dog, your favorite beach vacation, the sex you had with your partner last night or simply adding up the numbers on the street signs or license plates you’re passing on the road—anything that stops the negative cascade.

The key is to disrupt the mental and emotional patterns—and that will, in turn, stop the release of hormones. A burst of cortisol takes hours to clear from your body, so if you have one negative reaction an hour—though likely there are far more—that means you will never be free of the cortisol that is ravaging your body.

Here are some other examples of distractors…

Create a mantra for yourself, such as I know what is happening, and I have a choice to stay calm.

Find a favorite tune that you can start humming.

Notice a color—look around wherever you are for a specific color.

Flick a rubber band that you wear on your wrist for just this purpose.

Repeat a tongue twister.

Create a simple movement, such as touching each of your fingers, one by one, to your thumb—your signal to put the brakes on negative reactions.

Health and happiness are all that anyone really wants. Yet, we steal it from ourselves with each agitation. Try my little game above. Watch yourself. Track yourself. And see if you can switch yourself from a land of sad to a land of glad.

If you want some additional assistance in overcoming the anger-habit, I’ve also created a three day program entitled Where Does It Hurt?  Fifteen minutes a day for three days will help you become far more aware of how you have been harming yourself while simply trying to live your best life.  Use the code Blog20 to get 20% off of the program.

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by Sarah Hiner

I’m so proud of my friend Maggie. At 60+ years of age, she has changed into a whole new person.

Actually, check that. She’s not a whole new person. She is freeing herself of the mental and emotional shackles that she accumulated over the years, to be the person she was in her youth: happy, confident, connected, loved and pursuing her dreams.

Yes, you can change at any age. Age is not an excuse to stay stuck… or to choose unhappiness.

So let me tell you the story of Miss Maggie. We were inseparable in college. She was beautiful and sparkly and athletic and always a “yes” when it came to adventure. I loved her smile. We were dance partners at every party. We had so much fun together. And Maggie was the most generous human on earth, often sacrificing her own needs in an effort to help others. And, that’s where they say “your greatest strength is your biggest weakness.”

I’m not going to psychoanalyze Maggie… She, like all of us developed certain views of herself and the world around her in response to “wounds” of childhood. We all do it. Something happens to us when we are very young and we create a view in our little heads. It could be feeling dethroned when a younger sibling comes along, embarrassment when you make a mistake, or fearful as a result of a scary event. We transfer those childhood experiences and presumptions into protective or compensatory behaviors - resentment, shame, fear, anxiety… you name it. Maggie’s protective behaviors had her stretching her generous heart to become a people pleaser, focusing on the happiness of others at the sacrifice of her own needs and desires. The older we get, the more that the stresses of life have us draw on those protective behaviors and eventually, for many, our youthful zeal is buried.

For the rest of the world Maggie’s generosity was fabulous, but sadly, it wasn’t fabulous for her. She compensated for her insecurities by eating unhealthfully, drinking too much, smoking cigarettes, and even staying in a job where she was giving far more than she was receiving. She committed herself to her marriage, raising an amazingly strong, caring and confident daughter and working to support her extended family. She had many friends and told herself she was happy, but deep inside she knew that she was smiling to the world while eating herself up with self-destructive chatter on the inside.

We would speak through the years, but as happens to young married couples, kids and careers get in the way of the constant contact you had while young and single. When we spoke Maggie would express her frustration but also defend her choices, fearful of rocking any boats and focused on ensuring her daughter was successful through school. And then her daughter graduated and went to college, and Maggie was left with the emptiness of many mama bears when their cubbies leave the nest - now what will I focus on?

So we started talking more. She would share her fears and frustrations... and some of the health challenges that had developed as a result of her past methods of “self medication” (i.e., food, drink and cigarettes) We’d talk about them. And, like many do when confronted with difficult realities, she defended many of the situations that she found so frustrating. She wasn’t ready to change… yet.

Over time Maggie started to step out of her past routines and try new patterns. A little exercise. Some dietary changes. And, in all humility, after she participated in my 21 Day Awakening Happiness Program, she realized the self-destructive nature of many of her thought patterns. She saw how she had created many of her own emotional challenges and how frequently she would allow herself to get hot and bothered about things that would harm her physically and emotionally.  

It's been over a year and a half and Maggie is amazing! I spoke to her last week, and she had energy and enthusiasm in her voice that I hadn’t heard in a very long time! She’s feeling so much better. Her diet is better. She’s more physically active. All of her medical scores are great. Her relationships with her extended family are much improved. And, she’s on a path to pursue work that she loves rather than what she feels obliged to.

I am so proud of her. It’s been a long hard road but she’s transforming into the person I’ve always seen inside of her.  

There are many stories of oldsters who started a new life. Famous grandma Moses didn’t start to pain until her 80s and actor Morgan Freeman didn’t famous until he starred in Driving Miss Daisy at the age of 52.   But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the self-reflection and chance to shift who you are from the inside out. To realize that perhaps you had a role in unsatisfactory relationships and the opportunity to transform them. That if you’re not satisfied with your career, you can choose a different one. That it’s not too late to change sleeping, eating or exercise habits. I hear far too many people say that they are too old or set in their ways to change. Are they really? Or are they simply afraid of doing the hard work?

I adore my husband for many reasons, not the least of which is his desire to constantly learn new things, be it wilderness first aid, back country four wheel driving techniques, or how to take apart the dishwasher when it’s not working right. Tomorrow night we will go for a salsa lesson. Ron is not a dancer, but he is stepping wayyyy out of his comfort zone and trying it out.

NOTE: this is not about changing who you are as a person. It’s about letting the person that you are deep inside come back out of its protective cover. Leopards don’t change their spots. But, they can take a “bath” to erase the filth of the years and let their spots shine.

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by Sarah Hiner

“Sarah, do you always have such high energy?”

That question came from one of my dear friend’s teenage kids while we were on vacation together in Greece last week. We were all a little jet-lagged, Greece was having a heat wave, and everywhere we went on both Santorini and Crete was hot and hilly. To me, however, we were visiting this amazing place with lots to do and see. Let’s go!!  

As loving auntie, I took on the role of The Love Boat’s Julie McCoy your cruise director motivating the kids to climb to the top of the hill to watch the sunset during dinner, maintain their enthusiasm after several hot hours touring the island on ATVs, climb to the top of a hill in order to climb steeply down into an underground cave which was supposedly Zeus’ birthplace, and to even catch a tour bus at 6:30 am so that we could do a 10 mile hike that started at the top of the Samaria Gorge on Crete, one of the most beautiful hikes on the planet, and ended after several hours and 4,000 feet of decline at a beach that could only be reached by ferry boat.  

The kids – who actually are good adventurers – knew that these were unique life experiences, and they enjoyed them, but teens being teens, they also would have been perfectly happy sleeping late, staying in the air conditioned hotel room and scrolling TikTok.  

And so, there I was using all my motivational creativity to help them not just participate, but to do so joyfully.  We had daily counts of how many steps we went up and down (A LOT!) to get to each place, searched for new foods to share at meals, hunted for the best gelato, and a whole lot of conversation about how having a smile on your face and doing things with enthusiasm makes the experience better on every level. And guess what? They happily participated in all activities and we had a ball!

This is not the first time I have been “accused” of having a high level of energy.

When my older daughter was about three years old, I flew with her to Colorado. She was so cute as she happily visited with everyone up and down the aisle of the plane. When we were packing up to de-plane, the flight attendant asked me if you get more energy when you become a mom.  My answer:  No you just do what you have to do and keep a positive attitude.

It’s phenomenal the power of a simple smile and a positive attitude. When you smile, your body releases an array of happy hormones that reduce pain and more importantly improves mood. It’s so simple, and yet so many people prefer to wallow in the challenges of life rather than the possibility of pleasure and success.

Smiles feel good on yourself, but are effective motivators for others as well. It was my smile and enthusiastic tone that got the teens moving in Greece, like it did when my kids were young and would complain about something they had to do but didn’t want to. With my cheeriest demeanor I would tell them that they’re going to do it anyway so might as well have a good time with it. The same strategy worked for the employees at my company.  It’s the boss’ job to set the tone be it at home or the office.  

Which feels better?

Looking at a long flight of steps and thinking “I can’t” or imagining the good feelings from the top?Getting up early and completing a morning work out? Or hitting snooze a few times and never getting your body moving?Applying for [and hopefully getting] a new job or feeling stuck with a bad boss and boring job? NOTE: even if you don’t get the job, the positive attitude brings you one step closer to your dream job.

When I reflect back on my life, there is an endless list of choices spearheaded by a smile and sense of adventure. I learned to play two new sports in college – rugby and ice hockey. I made a career change after just two months at my first grown up job. Met my husband at a party I considered skipping. As CEO I made decisions every day about risks to take and opportunities to pursue. Every decision required a positive attitude punctuated with a smile. And, the creation of my 21 Day Awakening Happiness program is built upon the power of that smile as I focus on helping people to live in the land of positive possibilities of their own making.

It all starts with a smile - whether shared with others or turned inside yourself.

by Sarah Hiner

One of the first lessons I learned as a parent was to “never say never” as in “I will never put my child in front of a video in order to quiet them for a while.”  As my children grew, I often spoke to them about the importance of maximizing their options in life. The better they did in high school the more options they would have for college. They better they did in college, the more options they would have for careers. They more people they interacted with, the more doors might open in surprising places. Keeping their options open was a key to happiness.

But keeping your options open is not just about young people. It’s for everyone at every stage of life.

I remember multiple occasions when my mother-in-law said that she would never move to Phoenix even though her two sons and their families lived there — Colorado was her home, and she didn’t like the heat in Phoenix.

But then my father-in-law died. They had been inseparable for nearly 30 years, best friends and life partners who loved visiting her kids in Phoenix… us in Connecticut… and my husband’s siblings in California. We all made frequent visits to Denver as well, so it all worked… until it didn’t.

After my father-in-law died, Denver didn’t look the same nor did it provide the same support for her anymore. My mother-in-law had a number of friends in Denver and family two hours south, but her heart was broken and this was not going to be enough of a support system on a day-to-day basis to help her rebuild her life as a widow.

A few months after the funeral, she returned from a visit to Phoenix and declared that she had purchased a house there… but she would live there only in the winter months. Fast-forward several years, aside from missing her husband every minute of every day, she is thriving, living close to her sons and their families, and with a large group of friends in her neighborhood.

We all shudder to think of what her life would be like now if she had stuck to her guns and refused to move to Phoenix.

Another example of never saying “never”: When I met my husband, he was “never“ getting married or having children. Thirty-two years and two children later, thank goodness he didn’t die on his sword for that presumpI mentioned above, I frequently coach young people on the importance of keeping options open in life. The better they do in school, the more options for careers. The more activities they try when young, the more chances they have to discover their passions. The more job interviews they go on, the more they learn about the career path they want to choose. Options… options… options.

But drawing a line in the sand and insisting that you will never do something hurts only you. It’s the proverbial “cutting off your nose to spite your face.”

Imagine where we would be if our Founding Fathers believed that we could never be free of Britain’s rule… or people laughed at President Kennedy and insisted that we would never be able to put a man on the moon… or Reagan and Gorbachev couldn’t see that it was time for the “forever” Berlin Wall to come down.

I loved the PBS-TV series Downton Abbey for assorted reasons. Among other things, the show is a continuous exercise in breaking down the “nevers” of the British aristocracy. A child would never marry a commoner… the family would never dress casually for dinner… the lord’s land would never be self-sustaining financially… his lordship’s daughters would never hold jobs. These may seem like small, silly examples, but across the seasons of the program the family has had to loosen its rules and change its outlooks toward assorted laws of behavior to accommodate a changing social structure. We can’t move forward from behind the wall of “never” and the Crawley family wouldn’t have survived had they not kept their options open.

Taking unwavering positions can have its benefits certainly. Commitment to a goal and life values help guide a life — Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr. … all figures who were never going to stop until the world was a more loving, equitable place. Their “nevers” were in support of their higher mission and vision. Too often, in our daily lives, we have “nevers” that limit our growth — I can never stop smoking or give up ice cream… I can never change careers… I can never find the perfect love mate… I can never leave an unhappy marriage.

I have a silly personal rule — I will never visit places in the world that require special vaccines or medications. I say that now but if a loved one had traveled to one of those places and was in need of assistance, I would be first in line to do what I needed to get there.

Live by your principles. Understand your values. But beware of the false limitations you lock yourself into by never being open to the possibilities of another solution.

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by Sarah Hiner

Do you ever have the littlest thing “wreck” an otherwise good day? An innocuous comment from someone that throws you into a rage or a simple request that turns your happy day into feeling totally put-upon by “all those ungrateful people”? We all do it sometimes thanks to something called emotional triggers, which are generally silly little things that can make our heads explode (figuratively, not literally of course). The key is being aware of them, seeing how self-destructive they can be and then making different choices in order to preserve your physical health… emotional health… and… your relationships.

A couple of examples from my own life to illustrate the point – and as you can see, for me there is a common theme among my trigger moments… fear of rejection and fear of letting others down.

Fear of letting others down -  My sister, who is an angel and does more than her fair share of caregiving for our mother, asked me to help make sure my mother attended a zoom event one morning. Tech can be complicated when you’re 90+ years old, so I knew calling to help her log onto the computer was not going to be a quick or easy feat. My knee jerk reaction was irritation and frustration at my sister. Why was she trying to get my mom to attend something that she may or may not have really wanted to go to? I let myself get annoyed and it ate at me until we spoke that night. True confession: the trigger wasn’t really the request… it was the fact that I was committed to meeting some people at the time I needed to also call my mother and I felt pressured to say yes to something when I knew I had a time conflict. I pride myself on keeping my word and didn’t want to be late for my appointment, nor let down my sister or mother on connecting this zoom call.  

“Fear of rejection” – My husband and I have been happily married for nearly 37 years, and yet even after all of that time, I still get “hooked’ by how quiet my husband can be at times, especially when I want to share my feelings about something and he gives me a short acknowledgement rather than the deep dissection I would have received from my girlfriends. How could he not delve deeply into my story with the array of questions that I’d be asking if I were him? Why is he so disinterested in what I have to say? Why is he so disinterested in me? And so it goes.

Fear of rejection is one of the rawest emotions for humans, since rejection in caveman days (and in the animal kingdom) can be the difference between survival as part of the group or death when left to survive as an individual. I can’t tell you how many arguments we have had over the years over my self-inflicted hurt from him merely communicating in his style rather than mine.

"Fear of disappointing someone/Guilt/fear of rejection” – Last year I decided to learn both pickleball and golf, not an easy feat at 60+ years of age. Eager to get good enough so I could play with others, I attended quite a few clinics and even took some private lessons.  And yet, even though I was paying for the lessons, on more than one occasion I got teary-eyed when my performance was below what I expected it to be. I was losing every game in pickleball mostly due to my unforced errors and I couldn’t keep my wrists from “breaking” in golf, making my shots go everywhere except where intended. AUGH!!!! It was frustrating as anything.

But while failing in private doesn’t bother me, a deep level of guilt and shame bubble up when I feel as though I am disappointing whoever I am with, subconsciously worrying that they will be mad at me for playing poorly, or worse yet, that they won’t want to play with me again. What if they are simply being polite because I’m paying them but every moment of the lesson is a frustration for them? It’s crazy right? And, unlike the other two examples, this trigger is totally self inflicted!  

Triggers happen in a moment yet can have lasting effects on your day and your relationships. They undermine your short and long-term happiness.

So what is an emotional trigger? Any event or experience that causes a deep emotional reaction. We often blame others when we are triggered, but as you saw above, they can also come totally from within.  

Everyone has emotional triggers since they are rooted in very raw and deep emotions, and left unchecked they can take over your life, leaving you feeling constantly hurt and vulnerable. The challenge in dealing with them is that because they are so deeply imbedded, emotions react faster than our brains can catch up. And, often, once the upset happens, the irrational stays in control making it difficult for our rational thoughts to return us to our emotional center.

They say triggers come from some past trauma or hurt. But I’m not sure that’s true or if it matters. I tend to get triggered by people who act helpless and don’t want to try. It irritates me and can change my attitude toward them, which isn’t a good thing. But, I doubt this trigger is from some past trauma rather than being my deep drive to help people realize their power.

I don’t think the root matters. The point is to see the trigger. Acknowledge it. And then let it go as you realize the hyperbolic drama your deep emotions are creating. Once you see that you’ve been triggered you can pause and release the irrational reaction and return to a more constructive place.

My sister and I talked through my feeling of her imposing on my day. I have learned to ask my husband for more interaction when I need it and to accept his communication style on topics where it’s not so important.  I have spoken to my golf and pickleball teachers about my insecurities of being a novice and they reassured me that my challenges were not uncommon. Seeing the triggers puts you in control of them.

How can you find your triggers? Watch yourself for the quick flashes of emotion and when you see them ask yourself if those emotions are helping you or harming you. Inevitably they will be harming you, in which case you can pause and realize that it’s just your ancient brain having a knee jerk reaction rather than your rational brain understanding the situation and having compassion for you and those involved.

The thing that makes triggers so powerful, is that they are generally rooted in our deepest emotional fears – as I mentioned above, the life or death ones. Feelings of…

• Rejection
• Inadequacy
• Being excluded
• Not being loved or wanted
• Disrespect/being criticized
• Being controlled/loss of independence
• Helplessness

The good news is that releasing yourself from the burden of triggers does not require a replacement thought or behavior. It merely requires taking a breath and realizing that you feel irrationally bad… asking yourself if that feeling is helping you... and if not, let it go and trust in yourself and how amazing you are.

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by Sarah Hiner

Some chores I hate — vacuuming is loud… laundry is tedious… and scrubbing toilets… well, you know. But I love unloading the dishwasher. It’s mundane, but there is magic in the mundane.

Before you dismiss me… or tell me how miserable you think that chore is… hear me out. Emptying the dishwasher touches upon many things that make me feel good…

It is task-oriented. It is a quick job that can be easily accomplished. When I start the day with unloading the dishwasher, as I do most days, I get a quick hit of dopamine — I had a goal and it was accomplished. It is great to start my morning with an infusion of the feel-good hormone of goal setting and completion.

There is a peaceful rhythm to the emptying. I’m not sure if it’s the placement of my dishwasher in relation to the cabinets, but when I unload, my body gets into a very satisfying rhythm. Swing… bend… lift… reach. The glasses and dishes go up… the silver goes midway… those awkward containers are stacked in their drawer. Emptying the dishwasher reminds me of one of my favorite activities — skating. The rhythm of skating’s bend… push… glide is very hypnotic and calming to my body. And oddly, the swing… bend… lift… reach feels the same to me.

The teamwork creates a personal connection.  When I was young, I often unloaded the dishwasher with my sister… and I loved that. We would get into a rhythm working together as one of us emptied and, after the perfectly timed “baton handoff,” the other placed the items into the cabinets. No talking… just connection… and all in one flowing movement. Even without looking at one another, we just knew what to do and when to do it. A glass placed in my hand went in one direction whereas the coffee mugs went the other way. I have felt the same connection and flow when unloading the dishwasher with my husband, my kids, even my son-in-law.

That synchronous teamwork creates more happy hormones. There’s nothing like a pair of us unloading the dishwasher to get that oxytocin — the connection hormone — flowing. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I enjoy sharing the moment, just as I see a special connection when middle-aged or older people share reading glasses.

I am making order out of chaos. Empty cabinets feel so… so… empty. For a symmetry fiend like me, the empty spaces and gaps on the shelves feel a little chaotic — especially those coffee mugs, which have expanded over the years from my neatly matched set to an array of souvenir mugs from past trips and gifts… each one telling a story of a special memory. I know this sounds a little OCD, but there’s a lovely calming feeling that comes from putting everything back in its place. Dishes and bowls fully stacked, and glasses/mugs all lined up in their neat little rows.

I enjoy the fun of replenishment. There are shopaholics whose closets are filled with clothes they will never wear and knickknacks they don’t really need. I’m not a collector in that sense, but I do make sure I have backups for the necessities in the cabinets — olive oil, antibiotic salve, peanut butter, soy sauce, hand cream. And I get an odd feeling of accomplishment when I empty a container and have a replacement handy. I actually get a similar small thrill when I replenish the cabinet with the dishes and silver. It was empty, and now it’s replenished and I am ready for the next meal.

I can’t say that I get the same level of pleasure from filling the dishwasher since that happens piecemeal and is kind of a dirty process. But I do get similar satisfaction as I get from straightening up the house, returning items that have been randomly left on surfaces to their homes… or at least stashing them in cabinets and getting them out of the way. Putting dishes in the dishwasher doesn’t finish the job of cleaning the kitchen, but once the dishwasher is filled, the counters get wiped down and tea towels folded nearly and placed by the sink. Now… things look far better.

Compared to my usual musings about the state of humanity, the joy of emptying my dishwasher may seem trite, but hold on. Many experts talk about the power of simplicity to reduce stress and anxiety. You can sit quietly for 20 minutes to meditate. Or you can engage in active meditations to similarly disengage your mind from stressful thoughts — walking the dog, chopping vegetables, washing your hair, shoveling snow… and yes, emptying the dishwasher.

There is much joy to be had in simple pleasures. They’re not necessarily Insta-worthy like that walk on the beach at sunset or the concert you went to last night. But these moments exist all around us each day, releasing the hormones that make us feel good. There is magic in the mundane. Embrace it.

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by Sarah Hiner

I’m on cloud nine, after spending the weekend hosting our younger daughter’s wedding out of state from where we live. The weather was perfect, and our daughter, new son-in-law and the wedding planner did an amazing job of selecting a wonderful venue, delicious caterer, beautiful flowers, fun music and great photographers/videographers to document the weekend. Most weddings have those. It’s the other pieces of the planning that created the magic that had people leaving with an overflowing tank of oxytocin (the hormone of connection) and a phone filled with the numbers of new friends and family.

What were those touches? I’m glad you asked…

Many Places to Meet and Greet - Whether it’s a destination wedding or local, there are ways to create assorted touch points where guests can meet and greet. Weddings are no longer simply four hours of sit... watch… drink… shout (over the band)… dance... go home. They’re now a weekend of connection and interaction. A welcome reception the first night helps guests begin to interact. The welcome doesn’t have to be expensive... my daughter served ice cream sandwiches and charcuterie cups. Friends of ours had a pizza truck. Simple fare.  

A hotel room block allows people in attendance to bump into each other and join each other for a cup of coffee. Charter buses to the wedding venue create bus-buddies. Post wedding brunch brings closure to the weekend. Lawn games like cornhole at the welcome party or during wedding cocktails provide a way to interact without being a conversationalist. We had archery at our older daughter’s wedding!

Local events or attractions during the weekend create other places where guests can interact and share a moment of connection. Our hotel was right in the center of La Jolla CA, and across the street from the beach cliff walks - our guests went on a lot of walks together and loved watching the seals congregate on the beach. A friend’s upcoming wedding in Louisville will include a bourbon tasting and a tour of Louisville Slugger Field. How fun!

As a guest, set a goal: to meet at least one new person at each event. Don’t know how to start it off? Look for another individual or couple who looks like they are wondering who to talk to. Easiest opener ever… “What is your connection to the bride/groom?” Next easiest question: “When you’re not attending weddings, what do you do?”

Make Introductions - As a host, we made a specific effort to introduce people who we knew had something in common. Sometimes it was from individuals on our side who didn’t know each other, and others it was “across the aisle.” A cousin who travels each year to Crete and a friend who is planning a trip there. Nephews from both families who were software engineers and other offspring who were both singers songwriters. Car enthusiasts. People who went to/are going to the same college. Spend a little time reviewing the list before hand and thinking about what connections can be made.

One other note on making connections. Don’t be afraid to mix up your tables. Yes, distant cousins want to sit together since weddings are a rare occasion for families to come together. But, that doesn’t mean that assorted friend groups can’t be mixed and matched nor that a “stray” couple can’t be placed with those from the other side.

Invite Loners to Join You  - If possible, get everyone into the same hotel so that they see each other and start to see familiar faces. If you’re with a group, be open to inviting “strays” or other couples/groups along with you to lunch or for a tour of the local botanical gardens.  

We are extremely blessed to have several friends and family members who naturally bring others under their wings so no one feels awkward or left out. My friends Amy and Penny and my sister Margie are art forms at this. I love watching them in action.

You can ask your most outgoing friends to be on the lookout for people who look a little lost. And, again, as a guest, don’t be afraid to invite yourself along with others - there is no safer and more welcoming space than a wedding, which, by definition, is about bringing strangers together.

You set the tone - my reminder to each of my daughters (and their husbands) before their weddings: you set the tone. If you want people on the dance floor be on the dance floor. If you want people having fun and joy, be joyful. If you are stressed your guests will see it and feel it. Put all of the strains and stresses of the planning process behind you. Set your vision for the weekend and keep your mood and focus on that.  

Something will inevitably go wrong. This past weekend, we had several last minute cancellations of guests.  Disappointed not to have them, but we shifted tables and moved along. On the day of, the potatoes may not be cooked as expected, some guest who may have a little too much to drink, or there may be a little drizzle on what was supposed to be a sunny day. Ride with it. Let others handle it. Put a smile on your face. Adjust for it. Just don’t let it throw off your mood or celebration.

As I stood for a moment during the wedding and then the farewell brunch, I looked at the people interacting on the dance floor and the breakfast tables and my heart was so warmed to see the shuffling of the cards in my life. Over the years my college friends have mixed with my neighborhood friends and family. But now, that circle expanded even further, as college friends spoke enthusiastically to my nieces and nephews. My older daughter’s in-laws were dancing with my sister and brother-in-law. My nieces and nephews were big-hugging with the cousins of the groom. My husband loving talking to the assorted groomsmen.

And the true personification of the success of the weekend’s blending of family and friends… my daughter’s new mother-in-law and I wore the same outfit to the farewell brunch! While I often say that there are no coincidences, I will still say that this was a very happy and fun one.

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by Sarah Hiner

Sometimes you just need some plain simple how-to advice — such as when you are sitting in traffic and are totally stressing out because you’re late and there’s nothing you can do and you are about to have a panic attack. Help please…

Or… when your teenager is on an emotional tear and “blessing you” with her emotional vomit. Why am I so lucky to be the recipient of her crazy emotional outbursts?” Breathe… breathe…

Or… you hear about yet another violent crime? What is this world coming to when innocent college co-eds are killed and tourists are violently beaten while simply walking along a busy sidewalk? Should you worry about the safety of your kids who will be going to college soon?

Making matters worse, humans are “blessed” with what the Buddha referred to as a “monkey mind.” Just as monkeys are in constant motion swinging from branch to branch, our minds are in constant motion bouncing from our “to-do” lists… to our hidden fears and worries… to reflecting on past emotional wounds… and back again to imagining any of a zillion catastrophes that can happen to you and your loved ones. All this “busy-ness” increases stress and anxiety. The challenge for all of us is getting the monkey to calm down, especially when faced with external stressors.

I have my own personal menu of stress busters that I call on at different times and in different situations, and I am going to share them today…

My Personal Mantra: I have a personal mantra that I repeat in my mind that reassures me that all is OK, even when I feel out of control — when I am sitting in traffic… when my flights are delayed at the airport… when my mind starts spinning out of control, fixating on one thing or another. I learned the concept of positive affirmations from Louise Hay, and I found it extremely calming, so I adapted the concept into a personal mantra that reassures me when I am feeling insecure. Focusing on the mantra is like a walking meditation — I can do it while driving or dressing or even sitting in a meeting. For reference, my personal mantra is  “I am strong. I am safe. I am happy. All is well.” But feel free to create your own.

Relax Your Face: My yoga instructor regularly reminds class members “Relax your face. When you relax your face, your whole body relaxes.” Fascinating. Truer words were never spoken. Next time you’re feeling tense, check your body — are you secretly holding tension in your muscles? Are your shoulders up? Your arms tight? Your face tight? Watch yourself. The minute you relax your face, you will feel a wave of ease pass over your body.

Force a Smile: This is a corollary to relaxing your face. When you know you’re tense from head to toe, force yourself to smile. It distracts your mind from the problem at hand and has been proven to release natural painkilling endorphins as well as serotonin, two of the “feel good hormones.”

Grab Your Finger Using Jin Shin Jyutsu: I will oversimplify so apologies to the true practitioners of Jin Shin Jyutsu. JSJ is the art of harmonizing the flow of energy in your own body using any of many different hand placements to address different blockages or challenges. One simple move, taught to me by a healer long ago, is just holding your fingers. The ancients discovered that energy flow throughout the body is connected to each of our fingers, with slightly different issues connecting to different fingers.

Thumb: Worry

Index Finger: Fear

Middle Finger: Anger or rage

Ring Finger: Grief, sadness

Pinky: Pretense, lack of joy

Alternatively grasping one finger with the opposite hand for several minutes and then moving on to the other hand and other fingers creates a great sense of calm and balance. You can hold just one finger if you choose, but I find that by going through the circuit of all 10 fingers, I achieve a greater sense of calm.

I often use this technique when I am trying to fall asleep… or if I wake in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep… or when I am nervous on an airplane. The beauty of doing this exercise is that it’s so simple and subtle that no one has to know you’re even doing it.

Recenter Your Body: Another healer, Jeffrey C. Zimmerman, OMD, taught me about the concept of refinding my center during the day. In the midst of sitting and carrying things all day, we all crunch into funny, contorted balls so it is important to realign your body. I try to do this between meetings to unkink both my mind and my body. To realign, you just have to stand with your feet hip distance apart and find your “plumb line”—where your body is in total balance. Your weight should be centered on the balls of your feet, and your head in easy alignment over your shoulders, hips and feet. If you try swaying forward or back or side-to-side, you can feel where tension enters… and then back off. Find the place where there is no tension, simply ease. Once you find that place, just stay there and breathe for a few minutes. If you can’t stand, then find your center while sitting. Either way, realigning, does just that — it gives you a fresh start after a period of tension and contortion. As I mentioned above, I like to re-align after a meeting or two. It gives my body and mind a fresh start. And in some longer meetings, I have been known to stand for a while — the other attendees think that I have ants in my pants, but the truth is, I am re-centering.

Name That Tune: And when all else fails, put on your favorite song. It can be different songs for different moods. This technique is a favorite of mine especially when I am driving because that monkey mind is looking for something to think about. By putting on a song that touches my heart in one way or another, my mind is immediately distracted and off on an emotional vacation.

We all have our moments of vulnerability and anxiousness. That doesn’t make you sick. It just makes you human. Having a few “tricks” up your sleeve that can calm you quickly and return you to your happy place are priceless.

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by Sarah Hiner

Dear Grandparents – please stop selling yourselves short.

I agree that there’s nothing more miraculous and fulfilling than watching your grown children bring new lives into the world. And, there’s nothing cuter – or smarter – than babies, especially the ones that have inherited your DNA. Nothing brings more joy.

But please stop selling yourselves short. You say that you love being a grandparent because you get to spoil the heck out of the kids, and then give them back, not worrying about the sugar coma you’ve placed them in, the bedtime routine that has been broken or the mountain of toys that just came home from the store.

Is that really all you want to be? The living embodiment of Christmas and Disneyland all rolled into one?  

I think you’re so much more. Here’s how…

A Safe Space for Love:  If there’s one thing that children need right now, it’s a safe space for love. We all know of the social pressures placed on children to fit in or to fail. Fitting in isn’t so easy, nor necessarily a good thing. Home should be a welcoming haven after a long intense day of social performance. Yet, busy parents are often too caught up in their own pressures to see the pain their children are in. Or, contrarily, they may take the time, but even the most “loving” parents don’t realize the hidden criticisms and pressures they place on even the youngest children as they are berated for getting dirty or repeatedly told that they’re doing something wrong. Grandparents get to simply tell their grandchildren that they’re wonderful, and Gram and Gramps are proud of them.  

Fuel their curiosity: Children are endlessly curious which means they are little sponges for asking and for learning. Sadly, schools have their schedules and their curriculum which rarely allows children to pursue the individual things they wonder about. Similarly, parents are busy, especially if both parents are working and/or there are multiple children in the home and so don’t always have the time or patience to answer an endless series of “why” questions let alone looking for the answers. Without someone to fertilize their curiosity, children may simply stop asking and wondering.  

However, Grandparents can become the answer-Gram, having both time and wisdom to help satisfy the young minds. They can take the time to have a conversation with their grandchild about the question being asked… answer it with the knowledge that they have or be a role model in researching the answer together to see what they learn.

Take Them on an Adventure:  Grandparents have the freedom of time to take children on what I call “adventures” that get them out of the house and exploring the world nearby or further away. A number of years ago I wrote a  blog about “micro-cations” which was a fancy word for doing touristy things in your backyard.  

Where we raised our girls there were historic buildings to visit, like the revolutionary war era tavern that still had a cannonball imbedded in its exterior, or the Mystic Seaport Museum which was a historic shipbuilding and whaling village. There were also short hiking trails, children’s museums, assorted parks with jungle gyms and much more. Anything can be an adventure for a young child - even the grocery store - if you are creative and frame it that way.

Share History and Family Legacy:  The telling of oral tradition is, well, tradition. From the beginning of humankind, stories were passed from generation to generation by talking and telling the tales. Grandparents are the keepers of the family’s history and if you don’t share it with your children or grandchildren then it will be lost. When my father-in-law died a few years back, we inherited a number of very old photo albums full of fascinating pictures of people from the early days of Colorado’s statehood. Clearly the family was part of history, but we have no idea of who they were or the stories associated with them.

If you think you don’t have anything interesting to say, that’s not true. Even stories of what life was like when you were young gives perspective to your grandchildren that will live inside of them. Yes, even the idea that you walked miles to school each day or how your parents sent you out to roam the neighborhood and play with your friends rather than be in structured after school programs like today’s children are.  

One of my wishes is that I could have a conversation with my grandparents as an adult in order to know more about who they were and the lives they lived. Share your stories with your grandchildren.

Teach patience: Parents are busy and stressed. It’s simply the life of a parent, which is where grandparents come in. Grandparents generally have more time, are less pressured and most importantly have the wisdom of the ages to understand the importance of patience and how useless it is to get upset over little things. We are in an immediate gratification society, so it is more crucial than ever to help children understand the value of waiting for results and rewards. Similarly, for them to understand that it’s ok when things don’t go as planned or when mistakes occur.  

As parents and grandparents, we want nothing more than for our youngsters to be happy and confident. As adults, we also want nothing more than to be happy and confident. The interaction between grandchild and grandparent presents a uniquely wonderful opportunity for grandparents to help create happier grandchildren who feel safe and secure in their loving surroundings and for grandparents to increase their own happy hormones with the benefits of human closeness and the satisfaction of helping others.  

Don’t know where to start? Or do you assume that the kids only want to be on a screen? Give it a try. There is an endless of list new experiences and adventures that you can bring to your grandchildren… introduce them to new foods, build something, teach them to knit or sew, blow bubbles, plant a vegetable garden, teach them card games. It doesn’t have to be expensive or physically challenging. Just be creative and talk to these young sponges who love nothing more than to share their thoughts with someone who cares.

What a happy situation for all.

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by Sarah Hiner

Billy Joel’s lyric has rung in my ears since high school: Only the good die young. While I’ve lost loved ones in my life, including a friend in a high school car accident, the lyric took on a new and very personal meaning for me last week when a true angel on earth and someone near and very dear to our family lost her life. For my daughters who were like sisters to “Rose”, it was not only devastating, but also confusing and scary.  Why? Why? Why?

Why did it happen?

Why did it happen to her?

Why aren’t we vulnerable to a similar risk? (She died from an undiagnosed aneurism … It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t self-inflicted. And she hadn’t been ill.)

And then the next round of confusion from them and, frankly, within myself…

How will her parents heal?  

How can we ever have a normal life again?

How can we be happy again when we have this giant hole in our heart?

I will acknowledge that I am a believer in the afterlife… that there are ghosts and angels, and that our souls have journeys that are separate from our current bodies. I understand that not everyone shares this belief and that is ok –  for me, it is comforting to think that our existence extends beyond this minor blink of time rather than having a brief time on earth and then becoming “worms and dirt” for eternity. Even if you feel differently, please keep reading because you don’t have to be a believer to find lessons you can take away from this.

Why do the good die young? In my humble opinion, it’s so that the rest of us can use them as role models and be inspired to do better. When older people die, we understand, accept and half expect it. We are sad but we understand the richness of the life they have had. In contrast the shocking death of a young person draws our attention and leaves us unnerved and in need of answers. Without any real rational ones, we are left to create a path that eases our confusion. So we can honor them by following their lead. We can evolve ourselves to be more like their goodness and light and love rather than the self-absorbed skeptics that are so prominent on earth today.  

There are numerous versions of cliches that talk about how from darkness comes the light. And there are many who live in the darkness of poor character traits or poor choices in their lives. But what if those earnest but flawed people are now inspired to make different choices - to become better spouses or better parents or simply better people once they are confronted with the capriciousness of life and realize that their previous choices have been poor ones and that they are running out of time to do better? The petty complaints we all carry around are meaningless relative to the loss of a beautiful young individual who has been an example of positivity.

The world has been changed by people who have lived in the light of loved ones lost. One of the most prominent is the Tunnel to Towers Foundation which was founded by Frank Siller to honor his brother, firefighter and first responder Stephen Siller who lost his life saving others on 9/11. The foundation has paid off the mortgages for over 1,000 gold star families who have lost loved ones in the line of duty. But, T2T is just one of many organizations that have been created to honor those who were taken too soon.

I’ve always believed that if we each do the right thing in our own spheres then we can create ripples that impact others. And if enough people create enough circles of ripples we can create a giant pool of goodness. Perhaps that pool gets bigger when young angels who have touched so many - yet were taken for granted - leave us and we all are forced to rethink our choices and shift to their better place. In the case of Rose, it’s not six degrees of separation but two degrees to find someone in this relatively small community who knew either her or her parents. The auditorium will be overflowing at the memorial service, and my hope is that those hundreds of people will now think twice about their knee-jerk negative reactions to life, and instead live as Rose with a smile on their face, respecting people of all walks of life, being the first to offer a helping hand and always eager for a new adventure.

Every day we can make choices that help us achieve a happy and fulfilled life or we can struggle our way through wishing and hoping that things would be better. Happiness is a choice. It wasn’t Rose’s choice to leave us so early, but in the time she had, she lived a full and happy life… It’s now all of our opportunities to learn our lessons to live like Rose.

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by Sarah Hiner

During the Passover Seder a song called Dayenu is sung that recounts the story of the exodus from Egypt.  Translation of the word “dayenu”?  “It would have been enough.”

The lyrics of the song talk about how each step along the Jews’ path from Egypt and throughout their journey to their holy land would have been enough… if the Red Sea were parted it would have been enough… If they were given manna to eat in the desert it would have been enough …if they were given the Torah but not gotten to the holy land it would have been enough…  There are 15 steps in all that would have been enough.

So my question to you is “what would be enough”?  Are you someone who appreciates what you have and the simple things in life or are you waiting for something to happen in order to be happy or satisfied? And how do you strike the balance between striving for improvement and reaching for something beyond without sacrificing gratitude and happiness in the present.  

I spent a lot of time with my nearly 92 year old mother in the past couple of weeks. She’s not as physically active as she once was and her memory is waning, but she is happy in her life and never complains about her reduced performance.  Being in a wonderful independent living facility surrounded by people and activities and having children who call and visit her regularly is “very enough” for her.  She is a model for how to age gracefully.  

Similarly, my town has a lot of people who are scraping by financially, working multiple jobs in order to pay their rent and to buy food. They are grateful to have work and someplace to live even if it’s far from being a palace.

Meanwhile humanity is full of complaints about what isn’t enough for people…

• Not enough respect from family, friends or co-workers
• Not enough compensation for a job being performed…even from some who choose not to work full time or in the office
• Not enough quality in work performed by others
• Not enough good weather (“Raining again?”…”It’s too hot”…)
• Not enough time
• Not enough “fairness”
• Not enough personal space

But, is there really not enough? Somehow humans always want more, but what would be enough? Have people been so spoiled by creature comforts and immediate gratification that we have forgotten the sacrifices made before us?  In the land of Amazon on every doorstep and a private bedroom for every child, people have forgotten that large families were raised in small two bedroom homes and that once upon a time you pumped water from the well rather than selecting from the endless display of designer waters at Whole Foods.  

It is stressful to never be satisfied… for nothing to ever be enough.  To always wish that your clothes were fancier, car was faster or house was bigger.  You’ll never be happy if you’re not present to what is enough.

The constant hamster wheel of wishes is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting whereas acknowledging and appreciating the present fuels those same physical, mental and emotional pieces. No wonder taking a moment for gratitude is so healing.  It calms the body, the mind and the soul to look around and appreciate even the smallest of things – the sunshine peeking through the clouds, the warmth of your home when you come in on a cold rainy day, or the fact that we are able to fly (It really is quite remarkable… even today).

Having enough is not the big and the complicated.  In the end the rich and the famous die in similar sad and sickly states as the poor and unknown, and often in sadder and sicker ways.  

Take a look around you and see what you really have.  Human connection.  A reason to get up every day.  Satisfaction at the end of the day. And appreciation of the beauty around you.  

To me, that’s more than enough for a happy life.

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by Sarah Hiner

How often has your day been “wrecked” because something didn’t go as planned? Mine could have been a four-alarm fire today when before 8am I discovered that both a family member’s debit card and credit card had been hacked by someone, locking up both their checking account and credit card. Meanwhile the account connected to the debit card was already “on hold” because checks that had been ordered a few weeks ago hadn’t arrived, yet a number of checks were written against it to pay taxes, so I’ve been watching the account so I can close the account without bouncing the tax payments. What a mess!  

Mess yes… Thankfully that’s all it was. No significant value lost on the accounts. And, just a huge amount of inconvenience for all involved.  

But here’s what didn’t happen – it didn’t wreck my day. I didn’t internalize the drama into my body and create some form of pain. And, I didn’t head down a worry train that would have me fearing scammers and thieves at every corner and feeling obliged to track every transaction in the future. At the end of the day, I still had a good, happy day.

Worrying is stupid. That’s not my line, it’s my husband’s.  

A while back, he wasn’t feeling well, thanks to the start of a cold, and when I said I was worried, he abruptly stated, “Worrying is stupid.” I was offended. Ron tends to be one of those people who likes to hibernate and be alone when he is sick… but of course, I want to help him feel better. He has had pneumonia a few times, so I would worry that on the rare occasion when he catches a cold, it might get more serious. So there I was, wanting to shower him with chicken soup and vitamin C and he just pushed me away.

My response to his declaration that worrying is stupid — “I am simply trying to love you and let you know I care.”

“Caring is fine. Worrying is not.”

“But to me, worrying is an extension of caring.”

Pause… hmmm He caught me in a major philosophical trap that haunted me for weeks.

I know that worrying is wasted and even dangerous energy. I tell that to myself every time a family member is flying or headed on a long drive. There is nothing on earth that I can do from afar that will change his/her fate on that plane or in that car. I remind mommy friends that all their worries are for naught, since nothing they do will protect their kids from falling off the monkey bars at recess… or keep them safe while at a college party.

Similarly, for all us who are also caring for aging parents, we can’t ensure that they will never fall or make a medication mistake. It’s simply impossible. You can teach your children right from wrong when young... encourage your parents and teens to make smart choices… and then it’s up to them. Sitting around imagining the worst is a pure waste of time and brain cells.

But here’s what I’ve wrestled with. What about caring? Where does that fit in? Why have I morphed them together?

Some scenarios…

Grown child calls to share what’s going on in her life and verbally vomits about her bad day at work and unreasonable boss. Should I simply care about her frustrations? Or worry that she is deeply unhappy or maybe needs a different job?

Spouse calls to say his flight has been canceled, he is stranded for the night and won’t be home until tomorrow. Care about his comfort through the night? Or worry that his travels will now cost more and he won’t be home to attend the party you’re supposed to go to?

Car breaks and you’re supposed to visit friends for the weekend. Care about breaking a date with your friends? Or worry that you can’t trust your car anymore and might need to buy a new one?

The doctor calls and says your family member needs to come in for a second round of testing. Care and be concerned about his health and well-being? Or worry that something horrible may be wrong?

In each of these scenarios, I would care, but would I also worry?

Is caring versus worrying a function of relationship? Does something morph from caring to worrying when it’s closer to home or a more important relationship?

Or, is it a matter of scope? Small things can be cared about, but something big and frightening causes worry?

Or does it come down to a question of control? Caring is something you can do to provide support, worry happens when you feel like you want to do something but you have no control over the situation.

I care while on the phone with my daughter, I worry when I get off the phone and think about whether she has the tools to handle the situation properly. I care about my mother when she tells me she’s taking the dog for a walk on a snowy day. I worry when I call her later and she doesn’t answer the phone. I care about my husband when he doesn’t feel well, and I worry when he develops a cough.

Ironically, we want to take control and fix a situation, but we can’t always do something. I can’t help the pilot. I can’t stop a drunk driver. I can’t clear the sidewalk for my elderly mom and her dog. So, does worrying give us something to do in order to feel like we are doing something? Is it a false sense of action?

I think that’s it… Caring awakens your soul. It is something that you can actually do by providing emotional support to someone and connecting with them. Worrying is what you do when you feel obligated to do something but don’t know what to do. It’s like a mental fidget.

My husband is right. Worrying is stupid and utterly useless. Can’t fix… can’t help… can’t do anything. It’s merely noise in the brain. A distraction. A destruction that creates more stress and strain on the body and makes us unhappy.

It’s beautiful to care. Care that you care. Let others know that you care. Ask if there is anything you can do to help change the situation. And then let go. Distract. Move on. Find something else to care about. There is always plenty on that list.

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by Sarah Hiner

When I’m not helping adults unlock the happiness inside of them, I tutor young children helping them with their reading, math and other homework, although frankly, my primary objective is to stimulate and support their curious minds to help build their self-esteem.  I am proud of my ability to adapt to individual interests and personalities such that I will read about basketball stars with “Steven” and play rhyming games with “Sandra.” The more kids feel my special attention and know that I can incorporate their interest into the lesson, the more engaged they are, the more successful they are and the prouder they are.  

Of course, adults want the same thing right? We want people to pay attention to us. We want to focus on the things that interest us. And, we want to be successful. Experiencing this creates a fabulous cocktail of hormone release: Dopamine for accomplishment, Oxytocin for connection and serotonin for the confidence of a job well done. It’s the happiness trifecta!

But what do you do when you don’t win the happiness trifecta? When the topic is boring... or intimidating When you fear you won’t succeed. And when you feel like you’re on your own on this little journey?

You flip it. Step outside of yourself and help someone win their trifecta, not to compromise your own desires, but taking a break from your own situation gives your system a refresh from its frustrations and fears. In addition, you get to experience the joy and connection that comes through giving.

Back to my tutoring… As I said, I work really hard to be sure that each kid learns and grows with every session, even if what they learned that day is more a life lesson than spelling or arithmetic.  

One of my kiddos, “Angela,” is a super smart six year old who LOVES to read but doesn’t love math so much. We have a great relationship and she’s usually excited to see me and quite pleased that I read higher level chapter books with her and play games that are not overtly mathematical (though it’s definitely buried in there). That said, last week she was not happy about doing anything… everything was boring or simply not interesting to her. Perennial boredom is something I recall from when my daughters were in middle school but now I see it in many elementary aged kids... everything is boring and all they want to do is lay around and watch YouTube or play video games.

A whole conversation ran through my head as I felt the stress hormone cortisol rise inside of me… “oh geez, what are we going to do now? I can’t force her to do anything. I don’t want to waste her time or mom/dad’s money. How can I get her engaged? It’s vital that I get her engaged because I don’t want her to go down the path of a bored smart kid who checks out. This is a vital moment!”  As you can see my own worry-head took over as her little life flashed before my eyes. Having kids lose their sense of curiosity and exploration is incredibly frightening to me as we look at a generation suffering from an array of emotional and behavioral challenges.

Since I couldn’t force, I started a conversation:

“What are you interested in?” Nothing.

“What do you like to do?” Nothing.

“What can we do that would excite you?” I don’t know.

Hmmmm brick walls.

“What do you wonder about?” What do you mean?

“ I know that your mind is constantly moving and observing. What do you wonder about? Like I wonder why the birds are able to fly… or…  I wonder why some things puff up in the oven and other things don’t…”

I then explained that I am there each week to help her explore the world and that we don’t have to read or do math, but we could do whatever interests her, since she does reading and math in school.  

I could see the lightbulb switch on in her head. Her face became animated as she told me about something she was wondering about: if a little parachute toy could support dropping an egg safely to the ground… and what if it were a hard-boiled egg vs a raw egg. Bingo! We decided that the next day we would do her science experiment.

The next day I came prepared with two raw eggs that weighed the same and my kitchen scale. If we were going to do a science experiment then let’s start at the beginning. We re-weighed the eggs, then boiled one to see if the weight changed (it didn’t). Andrea then helped engineer a small plastic bag filled with cotton balls to attach the egg to the parachute. After testing the concept with a plastic toy in the bag, we inserted the eggs, went to the outdoor stairs and started dropping the parachute, measuring the time from drop to ground and checking on damage to the eggs.

Andrea was so excited as she ran down to inspect the parachute and egg each time it landed. She was proud of the experiment that she created. She couldn’t wait to share our findings with her parents. And, most importantly, she was pleased that she was listened to.  

How do I know the experiment was a success? The smile on her face as she lifted the parachute from the ground... and the note that she wrote in my Angela-notebook that read: “We Had Fun.”

Yes... it was fun. Fun doing the experiment. Fun watching how a young brain thinks and develops. But, the biggest piece of fun for me was in the confirmation of my ability to shift the mood of a person or situation simply by shifting focus off of my own agenda and onto figuring out what makes them happy. Sometimes we get the choice and control. But sometimes more fun can be had by dancing to the music of those we love.

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by Sarah Hiner

How have my husband and I handled big plans and goals throughout our 36-year marriage? That was the question I was asked when I was interviewed by Alex Cormont on his podcast, “The French Relationship Expert.”

My answer: “Without planning.”

What? Isn’t having goals and planning vital to creating a happy home and the secret to living a good life?    Especially for a Type A and driven person like me, it seems an unbelievable that we would not have planned our life. But the truth is, we didn’t. Thank goodness.

Had my husband or I been attached to specific goals or accomplishments when we were younger, we actually may never have gotten married in the first place. When we met, I was 24 and just starting my advertising career. I thought he was a hunky “Colorado Cowboy” with his Tony Lama boots and warm smile. He had come to New York to do the “year in New York after college” thing. He wasn’t looking for marriage when we met, and neither of us had visions of parenthood.

Yet here we are, 39 years later (married for 36), with two amazing daughters and still happily not planning our lives.

The secret, I believe, is that we have shared values and complementary styles. And we were not attached to specific plans or goals.

That’s not to say we didn’t have goals or dreams—we did. Nor is it to say that we don’t now dream or plan—we do. We just weren’t overly attached to specific timelines or goals. Rather we took an organic pathway toward growth, making decisions when we were ready for or confronted with the need for change…not before. That allowed us to address questions when they came up and avoid disappointment and frustration for either one of us if something didn’t go “as planned.”

When we were first married, we had zero money in the bank and both of us were very focused on our careers. We were happy with our jobs…until we weren’t. And when we weren’t, we got different jobs.

We were happy being just a young married couple putting sweat equity into our starter home and enjoying our time with ourselves and our friends.

When we were well on a pathway of savings, we allowed ourselves vacations and invested in a sailboat because “seeing horizon” and being in nature was important to my mountain-man husband, Ron. He had researched and dreamed for a long time, but we bought the boat when the time was right—not when some written agenda had pre-decided it.

After seven years of creating our foundation, we realized that we were ready for more in our lives…and then the idea of having children was on our radar. We didn’t plan for years, nor did we set a date for it driven by my biological clock. When we were ready for a shift, we shifted.

And so it has gone throughout our lives together—sharing our big-picture values and playing with dreams but never setting lines in the sand that, if not crossed, would lead to disappointment.

Some might say, “Don’t you need to have goals and to plan?” If you don’t have a goal, then you can’t make progress, right?

Absolutely. For things like paying off debt and saving for retirement, you absolutely need a plan. And yes, for accomplishments as well. But…

Being too attached to plans—and in particular to timelines—can be dangerous. I think those who are too attached to their plans often end up unhappier in the long run—as individuals and as couples—constantly feeling disappointed for not meeting the plan.

When we were sailing, Ron was adamant that the most dangerous thing you could have on a boat was a deadline. We never sacrificed our safety in order to be in a specific port at a specific time. Sure, we planned our trips carefully based on the tides and made reservations for moorings and at boatyards so we could visit different places. But we also knew that we had to be adaptable. The weather may be bad…or something on the boat may break…or we may be having such a good time that we decide to stay a little longer in a certain location.

Life is forever throwing curveballs. If you can’t adapt because of “your plan,” you will forever live in frustration. The vision of what your life will be when you are 35 may be entirely different when you actually reach 35, and that means the plans you had may no longer be appropriate.

As a couple—and a family—you will always be balancing your personal dreams with those of your partner and children. You don’t have to make sacrifices…you just may need to adapt. I got my MBA online rather than in person. That’s because, when I felt the need to get my MBA, an on-line program better fit into my life as a mother of young children.

About a year and a half ago, having sold our family publishing company (BottomLineInc.)  Ron and I decided it was time to sell our home in Connecticut and move to Colorado.  We did have a dream that we would end up out here, but never had a specific date.  However, in the summer of 2022, with the real estate market strong, my 90 year old mother safely settled in a beautiful independent living community and our daughters gone from Connecticut the stars aligned and we once again reviewed the situation and made a decision.  And, it’s been a great one, full of new adventures for us individually, as a couple and as a family.

As I said to Alex, it is far better to enjoy the journey and be open to the opportunities that may come your way than stridently run down your life checklist.

I look forward to another 36 or more years with Ron. I’m not sure what we’ll be doing or where we will be doing it, but I know that it will be a happy time full of love and laughter.

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by Sarah Hiner

Having a strong social network is not only a central piece of the way to happiness, but also vital to longevity. People with strong friendships and family relationships live longer. Yet what do you do when someone in that network hurts you?  Do you fight or forgive?

I had to make that decision last week.  A relatively new, but close friend, broke a promise that caused me hurt and embarrassment. It wasn’t like she stole money from me or spread rumors about me. But, she did break a promise to participate in a big event with me. We had planned it for a couple of months and had excitedly been preparing for it. Then, the night before we were supposed to go she said she had a conflict that prohibited her from participating. Her withdrawal meant that I, too, had to cancel.  

My emotional response was interesting to me and worth sharing with you, since I’m sure I’m not the only one whose friends or family have disappointed in this way.   Yes I was angry - but upon reflection it was so much more complicated.  As you read my reflection, think about if you have had a similar emotional ride.

So what went through my mind?

1. Anger - first reaction was, of course, anger, but I think this was just the biochemical reaction to the other deeper thoughts and feelings that went through my mind. I believe that anger is a catch all phrase when in fact there is something far deeper happening within us.
   
   
2. Betrayal - Broken promises for me are a betrayal of trust. Why had someone I trusted broken a promise to me? I pride myself on my own personal integrity - if I promise something I keep my promises, and I surround myself with those who do similarly. In order to live a life of happiness we need people in our lives who we can trust because they help us feel safe in a world that is often chaotic and can make us feel vulnerable.
   
   
3. Fear of Rejection - We want to belong and feel accepted by our communities. Since this is a relatively new relationship and I was stepping out of my comfort zone for this event, my own insecurities (yes we all have them) started me wondering if the sudden cancellation was actually a rejection of me. Did she not want to be with a rookie such as myself for this event? Did she not want to be my friend? Had I done something wrong in recent weeks that had her choosing something else instead of our event? Of course none of that chatter was about the other person… it was just my own insecurities. Watch and see if you do something similar.
   
   
4. Lack of Communication - Communication is at the core of all quality relationships. And lack of communication is at the core of all troubled relationships. Nothing has ever gotten better by avoiding talking. So why wouldn’t my friend give me a heads up to a possible problem… especially when we had seen each other multiple times leading up to the event? Was it fear on her part that I might get angry? Was I unapproachable? Or, is a fear of communicating a shortcoming on her part that she needs to address?

So, I didn’t go to the event and instead helped my husband with a big project. But now what? Where does the relationship with my friend go from here? We talked the next day and I shared my thoughts and hurts - and she acknowledged her errors and took full responsibility for her mistakes. So I forgave her. We are looking forward to building an even stronger friendship going forward having hit this bump in the road. However, in order reach a state of forgiveness, I had to go through an additional thought tree, asking myself a number of questions…

1. Was it really hurtful or simply annoying? Stuff happens. Things come up. And I’ve heard many people create the proverbial mountain out of a molehill. So first thing to look at is if this was really a big deal or if, perhaps , I was placing more drama on this than necessary. With regard to this incident, my issue wasn’t cancelling plans - that happens all the time. It’s never a big deal to simply reschedule a movie night or hike. My issue was a combination of my emotional vulnerability due to the new situation, the last minute change without communication, and that our cancellation actually affected others who would also be attending. And her taking responsibility for her error(s) made me feel heard.

2. What is the person’s pattern? Is this standard behavior or an exception? We want to surround ourselves with friends who we can rely on and who help us be our best selves, not those who drain energy and who take more than they give. Is the problem behavior a pattern for them? Or is this a rare exception? Or somewhere in between? In this case – it was somewhere in between. In person she’s a good communicator, but is not as proactive a communicator as I am - and she knows that. So, it’s not evil, it’s an area that she knows she needs to work on. When we are together her communication is great and I learn from her constantly.

3.  Can you accept them for who they are and who they aren’t? Now that you’ve identified the problem and if it’s part of who they are or just an anomaly, the question is: If it’s a shortcoming of the individual, are you willing to accept the person with that flaw because other aspects make it worth it? Can you live with something that may potentially drive you crazy but it’s worth it due to their other attributes? As I like to say, can you love them for who they are and who they aren’t? If you say “yes” then know that the behavior can’t bother you any more… you just have to trust that it will still be there and plan accordingly.

In the end, I’m oddly glad that this happened.  Was it frustrating? Absolutely. But, we have both grown as a result of it and our friendship will be stronger in the long run.  

Don’t waste your time, energy or physical health on being angry -  the hormone release is inflammatory and destructive. Living in the fight harms us perhaps more than it hurts our foe. Forgiveness is far healthier. Look deeply to the emotions underneath the anger and explore what’s really bothering you about it. Use some positive psychology to help you grow through the challenge in order to come out stronger and find happiness on the other side.

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by Sarah Hiner

My eyes filled with tears of happiness yesterday when two little girls who I tutor invited me to be their surrogate grandma at an upcoming school event, since their real grandparents couldn’t travel for the event.  I saved the text message inviting me since it was so touching that they feel comfortable enough to want me to be part of this event.

I saved another one from a few weeks ago when I was also asked to stand in as a surrogate family member:  “My kids adore you and know deep in their hearts that their Auntie Sarah would do anything for them…And can we say you are FUN too!”

Why do I share these?  Not to boast – that’s not my style.  Because saving these texts for future reflection is a part of how I shift to become happy on days when I’m less than joyous.

If you ask me, “What’s the best advice you have ever received in business?” I’d say that it’s tough to pick the one best thing…but one of my favorites to help me feel inspired and build my confidence is to keep an “Atta Girl” file. The question was framed as business advice, but honestly, we all need pick-me-ups sometimes, business and personal.

What’s an “Atta Girl” file?

Perhaps you’ll recognize it if I call it an “Atta Boy” file—as in the phrase “Atta boy…great job!”

Early in my career, one of my mentors told me to save the all-too-rare notes and examples of positive feedback that I receive in what he called an “atta girl” file. He said that it would give me strength during those tough moments when I lost confidence and questioned my ability, my relationships, my career path, my choices or all of the above.  Now more than 40 years later, it really is one of the best things I ever did. After all, we all need some positive reinforcement at times.

One of my first friends in college was Meghan, my dorm mate and field hockey teammate. She was funny and pretty and from a very well-to-do family. She had gone to a fancy all-girls private school and was nothing like anyone I had known growing up. When she would look at herself in the mirror before leaving her dorm room for practice or class, she would give herself a lovely little pep talk…

“You’re so cute. Look at you. You’re cute and funny and just so awesome!”

Huh? What did she just say and do? Was she really so conceited? Actually, not at all.

After her first little pep talk, she turned and told me that since no one else would tell her all of those great things, she did it for herself.

Sad but true—we all get far more negative feedback in life than positive. And, as Julia Roberts said in the movie Pretty Woman when Richard Gere told her she was wonderful — “The bad stuff is easier to believe.” Hence the “Atta-Girl/Boy” file. When things aren’t going as well as you’d like, this is where you turn to remind yourself of your greatness…of the people you have touched…of the special moments from your past…of the special accomplishments you’ve had.

So what do I have in my magical “Atta Girl” file? A beautiful array of thank-you notes and accolades, both personal and professional. Some Annual planning presentations, assorted speeches I’ve made and articles I’ve had published.  There are even some apology notes from my children asking for forgiveness for their childhood tantrums and outbursts. Over time, those many challenging parenting moments have dulled in my memory, and my headstrong children have turned into strong, independent and amazing young women. It’s very touching to see my husband’s and my parenting strategies in action, laying the groundwork for the values by which our daughters live today.

I don’t look at this folder often…in fact, rarely. But I have diligently added items to it through the years creating a subconscious foundation for my confidence and the knowledge that I am making a difference in the world.

What should you put in your own Atta Girl/Boy file? Anything that is a memento of the good that you do and the wonderfulness that you are. Groups you volunteered with…thank you notes from those you have touched…photos from events you planned…projects and work that you are proud of…certificates of completion from classes you’ve taken…performance reviews.

This is about you creating your own file of praise and acknowledgement in a world that spends more time tearing down than it does building up.

Once you create it, then what?  

As my friend Meghan taught me, we each need to be our own best cheerleaders.  We can’t rely on the world to help us feel good each day.  Happiness is an inside job… though sometimes having a tangible reminder of how awesome you are feels really good.

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by Sarah Hiner

Nothing makes me happier than being surrounded by family and friends at our dining room table. I love being with them, love sharing playful banter and interesting ideas, and I love serving good healthy food.  It’s the triple crown of happiness:  human connection… good fuel…and the pride of accomplishment.

When my kids were young we served healthy but simple meals.  Now with them grown and on their own, I have been branching out of my comfort zone to try new recipes and make more things from scratch that I might previously have purchased.  Why?

They say that necessity is the mother of invention. Well, high prices, loud restaurants and food boredom are the mother of my dive into expanding my culinary skills. Combine this with the fact that both of my daughters are very good cooks who enjoy creating healthy and unique meals, and I’ve definitely been inspired by them to step things up.

Rising food prices have made headline news for the past few years, and I know that restaurants are seriously suffering from rising food and staff costs. But when dinner for two at a casual Italian restaurant costs over $100 (for chicken marsala with a side salad, one entrée salad and one glass of wine)…and the steak my husband got when we went out with friends last week cost $68…it just seems crazy not to expand my repertoire beyond our go-to meal of grilled chicken and salad. I could have fed all four of us filet mignon for the price of my husband’s one meal out!

But it’s not just about saving money or the noise level at the restaurants. I enjoy the creative challenge of trying new things and minimizing waste by using what’s in the fridge or buried in the pantry. I haven’t had any major flops (except the day I cooked off all the fluid in my chicken soup), and I am proud to be stepping out of my comfort zone by trying new things and creating great food to share with family and friends.  

Here is some of what I’ve tried lately…

Thai Quinoa salad from Run Fast. Cook Fast. Eat Slow: Quick Fix Recipes for Hangry Athletes by champion marathoner Shalane Flanagan and chef and nutrition coach Elyse Kopecky. There is so much that I eat that, frankly, leaves me listless an hour or two later. But this salad truly fills me up and keeps my blood sugar running evenly for hours. I served it to a friend last week who doesn’t especially like quinoa, yet even she went back for seconds!

Chicken Paprikash and Braised Beef with Red Wine and Cherries. Both of these are from my new favorite cook book How to Braise Everything by America’s Test Kitchen. I recently discovered braising as a cooking technique. It’s super-easy to do and relatively fool-proof (which is definitely what I need). All you do is brown the protein add sauce ingredients and then let it simmer either on the stove or in the oven. Braising provides unique flavors and great texture to meals so anyone can seem like a gourmet chef—and the leftovers are great, too.

Half the fun I’ve had with cooking is being resourceful—such as using milk and lemon juice for recipes that call for buttermilk. The braised beef recipe called for dried cherries, which I didn’t have and store-bought ones are sweetened with sugar. So instead, I used frozen cherries that I’d had in the freezer for smoothies and laid them on a cookie sheet at 200°F. Six hours later, I had perfectly dried cherries…sugar-free.

I am proud that I figured out a way to make my own healthier—and cheaper—version of dried cherries. I actually was going to order some dried cherries from a catalog because I like them in trail mix and salads, but making these was so easy that I’m simply going to make my own in the future.

What else have I made lately?

A beautiful Pear Tart for Christmas dinner. A family member sent us a lovely “fruit tower” gift that included pears, apples and assorted other sweet treats. The pears were perfect, but too many for us to eat before they became overripe. I’d made apple pies before and even apple tarts but never a pear tart. This was so easy. I used only frozen puff pastry, sliced pears and apricot jam—and I looked like a pro.

Foccaccia. Next to ice cream (which I do make at home), my favorite thing is fresh hot bread, but I rarely eat it since I avoid wheat. So when I do eat it, it better be good and fresh. As my father used to say, “Yesterday’s bread is not fresh…only today’s bread is fresh.”

Since I now live at an altitude where things don’t bake the same way as they do at sea level, I’ve avoided making traditional baked goods like cakes and muffins for fear that they will fail. But one day, my daughter announced that she was going to make Italian focaccia…and that it was easy and didn’t require kneading. Easy and no kneading? Hmmm, worth a try. Only four ingredients— instant yeast, flour, water, salt…plus olive oil and seasoning on top. It did require some planning, however, because the dough has to rise for 12 to 18 hours (overnight) and then again for three hours. But I’m not doing the work—the bread is. Five minutes of mixing and lots of sitting. So easy. So delicious. And…in spite of the altitude, it came out perfectly!!

There is a saying that food is the language of love. It provides comfort and connection, both of which are critical to personal happiness. With every new recipe, I feel like I have provided extra love to my family and friends while also expanding my mind and creativity. My daughters and I share recipes and photos of what we’ve made and enjoy cooking new recipes when we are together.

Cooking definitely takes some time, but with a well-stocked kitchen, there are many things that can be prepared far faster than the time it takes to drive to and from a restaurant, wait for a table, wait for for your order to be taken,  wait to be served, and then eat the meal. The braised beef I made required 10 minutes to cook bacon…five minutes to slice onions (while the bacon cooked)…and five minutes to sauté the onions. After that, it was simply babysitting a pot on the stove/in the oven while I enjoyed the delicious smells. Even making the cherries took zero effort beyond preheating the oven and putting them on a pan. The oven did all the work for those six hours.  Advanced planning…yes. Effort… minimal.

It saddens me to hear the number of otherwise intelligent, creative people I know who insist that they don’t cook—flat out don’t do it. It’s not that they don’t have the time or the ability to do it – they’ve simply decided it’s not “their thing” and are happy to spend extra money…and perhaps similar time…ordering in, reheating precooked food or going out.

Expanding my tastes and skills has been more than a satisfying journey for me. I have realized that preparing special food for family and friends truly encapsulates the art and science of happiness:  it provides a delicious, feast for eyes and stomach and it stimulates the production of all four happy hormones: Dopamine (the hormone of goal setting and accomplishment), Oxytocin (the hormone of connection), Serotonin (the hormone for your moods which is produced in your digestive tract) and Endorphins (nature’s natural painkiller, produced by exercise and certain foods).

I invite you to expand your palate and enjoy a happier life.

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by Sarah Hiner

When I was 23 years old, I was in excruciating pain with yellow eyes thanks to a seven day gall bladder attack.  I was not happy with my life, living in constant fear of the next painful attack. So, I followed my doctor’s advice and had my gallbladder surgically removed. No more gall bladder…no more gall bladder pain. Problem solved. Now my life would once again be happy.

Wow, have I changed. After more than 30 years of reporting on health care and wellness, I no longer view our bodies as pieces of flesh dangling off a skeletal frame. Rather, the body is an incredible system of engineering with a combination of highly specialized and multifunctional parts and assorted backup systems which work together to help you function physically, mentally… and emotionally.

Even though my attacks were “solved,” having my gall bladder removed left me reliant on my liver and digestive system to be constantly “on call” when it comes to digestion because they lack the fat-digesting support of my gall bladder.

Like occurred with my gall bladder, our bodies often have the miraculous ability to adjust. But just because we can adjust doesn’t mean that we should remove parts without understanding the full impact. Nor should we should force our bodies to do unnatural things because it’s more convenient that way.

C-sections can be beneficial for mothers and babies in distress, yet thousands of seemingly normal pregnancies end in C-sections each year, not because of emergencies during delivery, but in order to improve convenience for the new parents and/or the doctor. Expectant mothers may want to rethink that choice. Scientists now are learning that babies don’t simply travel through goo during a vaginal birth. They receive important micro flora (aka, “good bacteria”) from the mother. A C-section bypasses that part of the birth process, and that means the immune systems of C-section babies do not get the same kick-start as children who are born vaginally. Studies have found more overall health problems in C-section babies at age two than in babies who were delivered vaginally, as well as increased incidences of obesity, asthma and diabetes later in life. Will the mother and baby be fine after a C-section? Yes—but the immune system may be lacking and there may be an impact on the overall health of children born by C-section.

Another example: Back surgeries. While surgery may provide faster results for herniated discs, more conservative alternatives provide comparable mid- and -long-term results without the high risk and high cost of surgery. Our bodies know how to heal when we trust them to do it, and we help them along in constructive ways.

Normal symptoms of illness such as fever, indigestion and/or assorted sources of pain do not mean that our body is broken and that those symptoms should be muted with painkillers and acid suppressants. This is our body doing its job. A fever helps to kill germs that can’t exist in an excessively hot environment. Muscle or joint pain and tension headaches are signals that something in our bodies is in distress. Shutting off the pain signal with medication does not solve the distress. It merely masks it and creates risk for further injury. Same thing with indigestion—as I’ve said and written many times, suppressing stomach acid is one of the worst things we can do to our bodies and can result in grave ramifications.

Similarly, researchers have known about fascia—the “film” that surrounds all of our muscles and seems to hold our bodies together—since the first dissection occurred. Anyone who has ever cleaned a chicken or a piece of steak knows about fascia. But it is only in the last three years that researchers have discovered that fascia isn’t just a body stocking. It actually contains an inner layer, called the interstitium, that serves as a communication channel for our immune system, allowing lymphatic fluid to drain and white blood cells to get where they are needed to fight disease. This is an entirely new layer in our immune system that doctors had no idea existed until recently. Isn’t that amazing?

With everything we know, we only just discovered this incredibly sophisticated part of our immune system. The implications are huge. Besides opening a whole new field of study, this is a dramatic demonstration of how much we don’t know and that scientific “facts” are fleeting. And let me pose this—if the interstitium is a highly sophisticated communication channel that runs through every organ and muscle in our body, what are the implications of communication blockages when a surgery cuts through the fascia? And what if there is scar tissue that forms and stays?

And then there are emotional challenges such as anxiety and depression.  There are many reports regarding the “epidemic” of emotional distress with debates abounding about the source of those increases.  Some say it was  caused by the COVID lock-downs, others blame, social media and, according to Abigail Shrier, author of the new book Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up core to the problem may be the latest trends in psychotherapy and education (social emotional learning)  which focus individuals on their problems or potential problems rather than helping them move past assorted challenges.  Besides the fact that these supposed experts are potentially focusing patients in a direction that harms not heals, they are not understanding – or not acknowledging – that emotions are actually a series of biochemical reactions that are deeply integrated with our bodies.

Emotions are not some amorphous concept that occurs separate from our bodies.  Emotions are part of a constant feedback system between our thoughts and our autonomic nervous system. Something happens, and our bodies respond, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, depending on the situation. Meanwhile, doctors prescribe anti-depressants to treat depression, but don’t acknowledge that serotonin, the mood-stabilizing hormone that has been targeted by medical experts as being lacking in those with depression, is primarily produced in our digestive tract… the same digestive tract that is often not working properly in those with emotional issues.  So is depression really an emotional problem? Or is it perhaps a digestion problem?  Could the secret to happiness be in what you eat rather than in a pill from the pharmacy or waiting for your life circumstances to change?

Newton’s third law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That includes the forced restructuring of our body’s systems, be it through surgery or activity-suppressing drugs.  Those “side effects” they talk about for every drug is not a “side effect”.. it is an effect of the drug, but simply one that isn’t directed at what the drug is marketed to address.

When the body is broken due to trauma or injury, fixing it works miracles. But when it comes to healing and creating health, we need to understand that, given the right fuel and care, our bodies have the capacity to hum along  and enjoy a life of happiness for many, many years.  

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by Sarah Hiner

Do you want to have a happier family?  Feel more connected to friends and co-workers?  Increase your self-esteem?  Try saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”.  It actually might feel really good.

I was raised to say “no” before I said “yes”—well, not exactly to say “no,” but to think critically before blindly jumping into action. It’s not that I’m a nay-sayer or a negative person. In fact, those who know me know that I am generally a doer, not a watcher. But yes, I was trained by the best to think thoroughly, plan carefully, ask questions and watch out for pitfalls. That made me great at many things, including leading Bottom Line Inc. But it also made me hold back a bit when it came to letting go and truly enjoying life’s simple pleasures.

Then, about 15 years ago, I met author, yogi and meditation instructor Elena Brower. We were part of a small group of women who met monthly to focus on personal growth and making a difference in the world. To live a life of joy thanks to our commitment to improving ourselves and those around us. At one of our sessions, Elena announced that she had brought words for each of us. Huh? Before the meeting, she’d had an idea and had meditated on words that she felt would be an inspiration for each person in the group.

My word was “yes.” Not anything sexy like “creator” or “generous” or “motivating.” Nope…just the simple word “yes.” Yet that simple word had a profound effect on me, crystalizing the self-image of who I had been for all of my life and moved me to an entirely new place.

“Yes” felt open and full of possibility. It shifted my perspective and awakened me to how rarely I simply said “yes,” opting instead for deep consideration followed by agreement or acquiescence. I’d get to “yes” but in a rational methodical way… not with joy and freedom.

Think about it. To state the obvious, “yes” is positive. It feels good. It is expansive.

In contrast, “no” feels closed—to relationships, growth, opportunity, you name it.

Sure, life is busy and with many pressures and obligations you can’t say yes to everything or everyone. But you can say “yes” to many simple things that can help you feel better about yourself and the world each day.

Here are 25 simple things anyone can say “yes” to…

1. A child who wants to play or read a book.
2. Allowing someone to go in front of you on a line…in traffic…or through a door.
3. Sending a text to let someone know you’re thinking of them.
4. A hug.
5. A foot massage.. even if you have to do it yourself.
6. Tasting a new food or making a new recipe.
7. Exercising five minutes more than you thought you could.
8. Cleaning out one drawer or closet or cleaning off one table or countertop.
9. Drinking more water.
10. Taking a walk in the sunshine, no matter how brief.
11. Talking with a recruiter or perspective employer—you never know what you will learn.
12. Calling a childhood friend who you haven’t been in touch with for a long time.
13. Stepping out alone to dinner or a movie, especially if you’re not generally an alone kind of person.
14. Telling your spouse/partner/family members that you love and appreciate them.
15. Meeting someone new, especially when someone you love makes the introduction. (This happened to me recently, and it has totally changed my life—I am now involved in tutoring and working with children.)
16. Turning off the screens—both big and small—for a little while each day.
17. Learning one new word or interesting fact each day.
18. Eating an extra serving of vegetables.
19. Rounding up your total at the grocery store by a dollar or two to donate to charity.
20. Stretching for five minutes before you get out of bed.
21. Participating in an activity with family that isn’t your first choice…and doing it eagerly.
22. Taking up a new hobby.
23. Attending a party or wedding even if you don’t know many others who will be there. (I did this and it changed my life.. I met my husband.)
24. Helping someone even when you don’t feel like it.
25. Pausing to look at a beautiful sunset… taking a moment to look up at the sky. It’s always interesting and humbling.

These are just a few examples. Think about what would make you happy when you say “yes.”

“Yes” is a lot more than merely doing or being. “Yes” is a mindset. At times of challenge or stress, “yes” actually has become one of my silent mantras that pushes me past fear and into the belief that I can succeed. Give it a try. Yes, you can.

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by Sarah Hiner

Life Is a pendulum of emotions as we often experience nearly simultaneous joys and sorrows at any given moment on any given day. How can you feel safe and joyful when at any moment your world can come crashing down? We have come to live with fear and anxiety,  but the fear of impending dooms does not have to rob you of the joys of life.

Just recently I’ve experienced assorted several instances of the extreme highs and lows of life.

Within a few days’ time I had my last aunt die and a niece announce her pregnancy.

A week later a dear friend of the family and former coworker died while another dear friend and former co-worker started her new life in a new beautiful home that has taken years to attain.

Others receive serious health diagnoses on the heels of retirement.

People buy their dream house only to discover a problem with it that will cost more money and delay the enjoyment of their home.

Families are celebrating the engagement of a child or the birth of a grandchild and while facing financial challenges in the face of rising costs for pretty much everything.

Sometimes it just seems like a cruel joke that our highpoints get tarnished by the challenges. Why can’t we catch a break?  Why can’t we just be happy for a while?  Why does rain constantly have to fall on the parade?

Because that’s life.  Because part of life is experiencing the constant pendulum swing of the highs and lows.  Part of our lessons in life is learning how to navigate the ride physically and emotionally.

I’m not being Pollyanna-ish or sugar coating it when I say that there is indeed growth that comes from those horrible lows.. and in my experience, there are actually positive thoughts that can be found in many of them.

When this co-worker, “Naomi” died recently, I was very sad, but I was also inspired as I reflected on what a beautiful soul she was and how many people she touched with her magic throughout her life.  As a person of deep faith and a repeat-cancer survivor, “Naomi” taught us all good life lessons in grace, optimism and trust.

When my father died ten years ago, I actually sang (along with my sister) during my father’s eulogy sharing a song we had written and performed on his 80^th birthday several years earlier. Why would we sing it? Because the song so perfectly summed up the many lessons he taught us throughout his life, and because sharing those lessons helped heal the sadness of the loss.  Death of a loved one is devastating.  But, it is unhealthy to be stuck in the grief rather than working through the grieving process to bring the love and memories with you into your next chapter.

When my husband and I emptied our home to move west, it was a very sorrowful time for Ron.  He felt like we were ending a chapter by emptying the home where we had raised our children and shared so many happy moments.  We were tearing down that which we had spent nearly 30 years building while being confronted with the many projects he intended to do but never quite completed.  Looking into mortality?  A past gone by? Acknowledgement of dreams unfulfilled? Yes there’s sadness as you close a door, but happiness as you look at all you did accomplish and look toward your next chapter.   What’s the saying? When God closes a door, he opens a window?

An acquaintance, Hollye Jacobs, wrote a beautiful book entitled The Silver Lining: A Supportive and Insightful Guide to Breast Cancer after her breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 39.  She was a healthy young vibrant woman with a young child and adoring husband. Breast cancer was nowhere on the radar.  Yet after her diagnosis, she realized the many lessons she learned and could share with others facing similar challenges.  She’s gone on to become a Certified Resilience Coach helping others to face and overcome life’s challenges.

None of this is easy. In fact it’s really hard and painful and can be full of sadness. But it’s our journey. Fighting it won’t stop the pain or the journey. And living under the pall of impending doom will only make things worse.  So how do you grow from those painful experiences? How do you avoid the whiplash that comes with the constantly changing landscape?  A few ideas…

• Reflect on the lessons learned and wonderful moments from the person you have lost… What can you incorporate into your own life?
• Connect with others who are here. Seeing or talking to others who are close to you during times of loss reminds you of the other richness in your life.
• Connect with others (part 2).  Being with others fuels our Oxytocin, the hormone of human connection and the hormone that helps us not feel alone.
• Get into action. Lost your job? Update your resume and start searching for a new opportunity.  Bills piling up?  Where can you cut your spending.. or increase your income? (Yes, some of these actions may come with some effort or sacrifice but you will be working toward a better situation. )
• Control what you can control and let go of the rest. Worry is a mere waste of energy and creates release of the self-destructive hormone, cortisol.
• Shift your perspective. It sounds trite but viewing the glass as half full vs half empty really does help your physiologically and emotionally.  Rather than filter the world through a haze of impending doom focus on the opportunities ahead.

Remember…No matter what, no matter where, the pendulum does swing back as it seeks equilibrium.  And one secret of happiness is trusting that law of physics while choosing how you want to experience the journey.

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by Sarah Hiner

Does this sound familiar?  Living burdened by things that you have to do rather than choosing to create a happy life?

“I have to do laundry.”

“I have to give a presentation at work.”

“I have to get the oil changed in my car.”

“I have to exercise.”

No, you don’t—you don’t have to do anything.

We all have a tendency to feel pressured to schedule our day with the things we think we “have to” do. Not only do we burden ourselves with our own tasks and obligations, we also spend a whole lot of energy tending to our kids, our friends, our parents and our spouses.

“I have to drive my father to the doctor.”

“I have to go to dinner with my friend.”

“I have to cook a dinner for my spouse each night.”

“I have to mow the lawn every week.”

“I have to plan my daughter’s birthday party.”

What an unhappy existence it is to constantly feel obliged to perform something for yourself or someone else. But what if you could free yourself from that burden?  What if you could live your life with a powerful positive attitude rather than one of obligation?

The answer comes in the simplest concept from one of my favorite authors, Louise Hay, in her book The Power Is Within You. I listen to this book in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. Hay has a very soothing voice, and her messages of self-understanding and empowerment are delightfully simple, accessible and freeing. So there I was at two or three or four in the morning recently, listening to Hay talk about the power of choosing to do something rather than feeling that you have to do it.

That message woke me up! And then it gave me this grand sense of calm.

According to Hay, feeling like we have to do something is rooted in our parents’ demands when we were young. We believed that unless we did things our parents requested, we wouldn’t be loved. Performance = Love. In our young minds, tending to things such as homework, cleaning our rooms, brushing our teeth and eating spinach was equated with acceptance and love. If we didn’t do those things, we did not receive the attention and love we craved. We became little beasts of burden, making sure that we completed our tasks “or else.” Our parents didn’t do anything wrong…and they didn’t ruin us by having behavioral expectations per se. It is just how a child’s mind processes parents’ requests.

Fast-forward to adulthood. Those children have grown up viewing the world through that same childish filter of having to do things to be accepted and loved, putting them in the role of victim trying to earn approval. If you feel like you have to do something, you are beholden to some external force and lack power over your own life. By choosing to do things, the control and power goes back to you.

The truth is, everything we do is by choice even though it may not seem so. Yes, you may have to go to work…but you choose to do that job to pay the rent and put food on the table. Choosing not to go to work would make life extremely unpleasant.

Choosing to exercise makes you feel better and healthier. Viewing it as an obligation makes it heavy. Choosing to do it puts you in charge of the process and the outcome.

Choosing to help an aging parent is a privilege that many who have lost their parents would love to “have to” do. Choosing to make your child’s dreams come true with a magical birthday party will create memories of a lifetime.

There’s another aspect to Hay’s advice—there’s the power of an act, and then there’s the language that we use to communicate something. For her, every word we say lives in our minds and our bodies as experience. In turn, our bodies react to those thoughts or words in a physical way. Think—or speak—a positive thought, and your body feels good. Think—or speak—a negative thought, and your body reacts negatively. If you pay close attention, you can feel how your body relaxes when you speak about happy things versus how it tightens when you are having an argument or are frustrated. This extends to all of our words…say something positive and your body relaxes, but say something negative or view things negatively and you tense up just as you do when you feel obligated to do something

By flipping the perspective and language to one of choice and personal power, it lightens you emotionally and strengthens you physically.

Every individual yearns for independence and control over their own lives…yet we each have put ourselves in emotional servitude to our obligations. Simply shifting the perspective of daily tasks and interactions from an obligation to a choice supercharges your power over your day and give you a happier life.

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by Sarah Hiner

What is it about hearing the words “I love you” that weakens the knees and awakens the joy and happiness in you?   They’re magical words… and they are powerful words in that some people are devastated when they don’t hear them. But showing loves has many faces and sounds beyond these three simple words.  

There are many people who aren’t so verbal and simply aren’t comfortable speaking their love. That doesn’t mean they don’t still deeply feel and show their love. They just do it in different ways. You have to know what to look for. These “I love you’s” are hiding in plain sight but sadly go unrecognized, placing strains on relationships and causing internal strife.

I am a big fan of the Dr. Laura radio show. It is educational to me to hear the questions and problems suffered by people from all walks of life. One of the most common complaints is the one that goes, “If he loved me, he would…” or “If she loved me, she would….”

Spouses complain about the lack of attention from their partners…the expensive gifts they didn’t receive for that special occasion…the time-consuming and/or expensive hobbies their partners engage in…the lack of communication…the lack of romance. You know the drill.

Parents complain about not hearing from their adult children…youngsters who won’t follow the rules…who doesn’t show up for family events…the disrespect they feel from children of all ages…the lack of appreciation for all of their care and efforts, from time spent on sports sidelines to constant chauffeuring or creating special birthday celebrations.

Children of all ages have complaints, too.  Adult children complain about the excessive unsolicited opinions they get, including from grandparents who want to butt into how they raise the grandchildren. Teens complain about how their parents won’t allow them to attend events that other friends/peers will be going to.

In the end, everyone—no matter what age or status of life—is looking for love but, as the saying goes, they’re looking for love in all the wrong places. Or as Dorothy learned when she awoke from her trip to Oz, all that love was already right there in front of her.

My husband is not the most chatty human, and he does tell me that he loves me…but more than announcing it, he shows me he loves me in his unique ways. He turns on my seat heater when we get in the car on a cold morning…he makes sure our home is in working order, constantly fixing things but never looking for credit—just making sure our home is safe and comfortable…he bought Christmas lights to brighten up the wreaths that I insisted on hanging on the front deck of our house even though he wasn’t in love with this project. He doesn’t make pronouncements…he just quietly makes my dreams come true.

As Dr. Laura points out to the complaining callers, love is shown in many ways that don’t include a small velvet box or dozens of roses. They are simple acts that may go totally unnoticed on a daily basis unless you understand the nonverbal language of love.

Subtle acts of love can include…

• Starting a spouse’s car on a cold morning
• Asking how your day was and really being interested
• Keeping the shared spaces of the home tidy…respecting that you are not the only one who lives in the space
• Being available for your child
• One spouse working long hard hours to allow the other to stay home and raise the children
• Making favorite meals…stocking the fridge with favorite foods
• Attending events that are not their first choice but doing it anyway…and with a smile. This is true for parents, spouses and children of all ages.
• Reading the same book over and over again to a child because it’s his favorite
• Helping an elderly parent with her groceries, technology or any other household chore
• Listening to what a loved one has to say without interruption or judgement
• Rubbing your partner’s back or massaging his feet at the end of a long day.
• Recording her favorite movie when you saw it was playing on television
• A credit card buys that new X-Box, the sparkly jewelry or Nike’s latest collectible sneakers. That’s not love…that’s shopping. Similarly, people can say anything, but are their actions consistent with their words?

There is an endless list of small and large acts that show a family member’s love without them explicitly stating it. I’ve given some examples above to illustrate how they surround us. The love is out there, but it must be received…the signs must be recognized…and the perspective must be shifted to understand that these daily acts of respect and commitment are the true symbols of love.

I challenge you to open your eyes to the many messages of love that surround you. Take them in. Feel them deeply. And pass them along.

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Many years ago I was “accused” of being selfish by the leader of a seminar I was attending.  How on earth could I be selfish? I would give the shirt off my back and everything in my wallet to someone in need. No. No. No. That wasn’t his point. It wasn’t about financial generosity. He was referring to the fact that while I seemed outwardly outgoing, I actually was withholding when it came to sharing my inner thoughts and feelings.  Hmmm.  Guilty.  I grew up in a family that was generally quite reserved when it came to talking about true feelings, so yes, I could see where I was, in fact, holding myself back from truly connecting with people.

Fast forward through years of coaching and I’ve gotten over my “selfishness” but in this socially sensitive era, I fear that societally we are losing the art of conversation and true verbal connection.

An example…

My husband and I went to a wedding last week. It was one of those incredibly happy weddings where the bride and groom are “perfect” together and the families and friends have nothing but love and enthusiasm for the union.  We were placed at a table where we didn’t know most of the people and I was seated next to a lovely couple.  We spoke briefly about how we were each connected to the wedding and a little bit about where we each lived. With each round I would ask a question and my dinner partner would answer as we verbally danced, trying to find common ground. We found some when it came to twenty-something kids starting their lives and our shared interest in the outdoors.  He and his wife were lovely and I am very glad to have shared time with them.

What I was sad about was that this was another experience in which I meet people who are happy to answer questions but do little to proactively initiate or advance a conversation.  Conversation is an art and I fear it’s one that is getting lost.

I acknowledge that large events can be especially intimidating since it’s difficult to break into a group of people when you don’t know anyone and it’s hard to talk across a table in a loud ballroom. But, think about the many individual interactions on a daily basis where it’s easy to have a conversation and yet it’s all transactional data without human interest.

The morning of the wedding I went to a salon to get my hair blown-out.  The stylist was someone who I had never met before. I was there for 30 minutes and, of course, it was loud. But in that time I learned about the dear friend who my stylist had lost to a drunk driver, her father’s strict rules and her push back on them as a teen, including body piercings just to “piss him off”, her close relationship with her sister, and the wonderful 17 year old son that she is raising despite her becoming a single mother after getting pregnant senior year in high school. The son’s plan after graduation:  enter the Navy to gain training as a nuclear technician which he can then take to college after discharge for an engineering degree.  Pretty impressive.   All of that information and her fascinating story started with a simple question:  “What is the story behind  the tattoo on your arm?”

This wasn’t an interrogation – I shared my own tales of parental pushback and we talked about the challenges facing our young people today.

I was genuinely interested.  All it takes to develop the art of conversation is a sense of curiosity and a genuine interest in other humans.  Has our laser-focused-search-engine-centric world dulled our ability to be broadly curious?  And has the pressure to be politically correct and fearful of offending muted our ability to express interest in other people?

How do we re-develop the art of conversation?

For starters, don’t be afraid.  I see a number of young people who are afraid to speak up or ask questions, especially personal questions. I don’t understand what their fear is. When I ask “why” they tell me that they just think it’s inappropriate.  But it’s not… would you be offended if someone showed genuine interest in you?  Or spoke to you as a person rather than a transaction?  Neither would I.  It’s ironic that in the world where people overshare extremely personal images all over social media that they are afraid to actually talk to others on a personal level.  

There is much complaint about the demise of customer service, but it’s amazing the great service I can get when I talk to the phone representative as a person – admiring their name or asking where they are based.

The other critical aspect of conversation is to think about it as a game in which the goal is to keep the ball in the air. I would use a tennis or volleyball analogy but there you want to go for the kill shot to win the point, rather than continue the rally.  This means that even if you are asked a specific question like “where do you live”? Or “have you ever been to [fill in the blank location where you currently are] don’t give a single word answer. Add in a little bit of extraneous information that provides fodder for continued discussion.

For example… even something as straight forward as “where do you live” can be interesting if you talk about the fact that where you are living is the fifth state that you have lived in during your life (“Well, I currently live in St Louis, but it’s just the latest location since I’ve moved five times in the past 10 years”), or that even if you’re still living in the town where you grew up you can make a comment about how much it has changed, or that you like the city, country, beaches or some feature about where you live (“I live in Pennsylvania, right near the Pennsylvania Dutch community” or “Right near Hershey Park”). There is something interesting that can be included about any place. Maybe someone famous lives nearby or a reference to it from a popular movie or book. I will frequently weave the fact that my husband is was born in Denver and that we currently live in the mountains of Colorado into a conversation simply because Colorado has so much lore around it and there are many who dream of visiting one day. Or I will mention that I have two daughters.  Kids are always an easy jumping off points from which further conversation can flow. Beyond that, it’s truly just caring and curiosity.

Not sure where to start? Here are some conversation topics and starters for you…apologies that some are so basic but clearly bear repeating

1. At a wedding or celebration (as mentioned above)  What is your relationship to the bride/groom/guest of honor?  As follow-up:  Tell me a story about them when they were young.
2. Tell me about your tattoo – I love asking this because almost all of them have a story behind the art.
3. Are you having a good day?
4. I’ve never been here before… where would you recommend that I visit?  Eat?
5. To a store clerk or customer service agent when response time seems to be slow: “It seems to be especially busy today. That’s great.”  This may not open a big conversation but it demonstrates some empathy for the other person in spite of your own frustrations. And, I have often gotten interesting insight into their business challenges when I give someone an opportunity to know their situation is noticed.

Needless to say there is an endless list of conversation starters that can be found on line.  For me it starts with paying attention to the situation.. noticing the environment and the person with whom you’re interacting…and letting yourself wonder.

All artists start with a blank canvas, piece of paper or unformed piece of clay.  A conversation is similarly a blank canvas just waiting to be the foundation of something beautiful.

I’ve read a number of books recently – both fiction and non-fiction -  about some amazing people, all of whom were brave enough to break the molds of their expected life paths, and forge their own pathways.  In most of the books the characters were in their twenties when they made these decisions, challenging social and family mores and often ending up temporarily ostracized for their choices.  Painful?  Yes.  Satisfying for the protagonist? Yes.  Inspirational? Absolutely. I love seeing strong individuals overcome challenges, live true to their hearts and succeed.  I wish that more people today were brave enough to know their pathways and pursue them even if the path might be difficult.

But these are just books you say? Real life doesn’t work like that?  Well, all but two books were either historical fiction or fiction based on heavy research of the time period, so grounded in facts. And,  GIFTED HANDS by Dr. Ben Carson, was an autobiography of someone who went from being the worst student in the 4^th grade to one of the leading neurosurgeons of our time, and Ron Chernow’s ALEXANDER HAMILTON was a tome that detailed how a poor orphan from a Caribbean Island became one of the most influential figures in the history and structure of this country.  

Impressive to me in each case was the courage displayed by these individuals challenging social and family mores in order to do what they believed was right for them.  Young women were encouraged to find a nice young man and get married but instead the characters in the books became spies in German occupied France in World War 1, or the owner and visionary for a significant farm in the 1960s, or a surgical nurse on the front lines in the Vietnam War.  Carson wasn’t supposed to be the top student in his class. Hamilton wasn’t supposed to succeed at anything given his social standing.

Molds can be broken.   Social mores can be challenged.  In order to do it, individuals must view themselves as individuals rather than shackled by their affinity group, be it gender, race, nationality or otherwise.

Ironically, the recent cultural leanings want to individuals to express their unique identity through pronoun selection or even gender selection, yet there is a lot of social pressure by those same individuals to expect ethnic and gender groups to behave based on group stereotypes, in particular when it comes to the upcoming election. Women are expected to vote for the female candidate in a show of solidarity, and minority groups such as Hispanics, Jews and Blacks are expected to vote Democratic just because that’s what the majority of those groups have historically done.

Groupthink cannot co-exist with individuality.

The pressure to fit a mold and adhere to society’s group labels is antithetical to the American Dream, which allows that any individual from any background has the ability to pursue and hopefully achieve success, however success might be defined by the individual. (I specifically don’t want to say success is all about money.) Yet, these group labels hold people back from achieving their dream if they somehow feel guilt that they are turning their backs on some falsely assigned affinity group.

Think about it. We…

…historically assumed women must be demure and secondary to men. False

…assume blacks are all the same in their world view. False

…assume women should blindly support other women just because they’re women, no matter the abilities or demonstrated skills. False

…similarly assume blacks should support blacks.. Hispanics should support Hispanics and Jews should support Jews. False

…assume blacks are all the same and that Hispanics are all the same. False.  That would be like saying Whites are all the same, but no one would agree that someone from Norway has the same cultural values and world view as someone from Australia.. or that Californians are the same as those from Wyoming. So why assume that someone from Mexico is the same as someone from Peru or Honduras?  Or that someone from Jamaica is the same as someone from Chad or Botswana?

How can we be individuals when pressured to fall in line with the group?

These very popular books tell the stories of incredible people and characters, yet societally people seem to continue to be stuck in their ruts and fearful of pursuing their true paths.  People want to fantasize about super heroes overcoming the odds, but it’s easier to stay safe than take a risk in real life.  It’s easier to be a victim and blame others for holding you back rather than realize that you are choosing to be a victim instead of making the hard choice of pursuing your dream.  It’s fun to dream about someone else stepping out for themselves, but frightening to do it for yourself.

Why must we be constrained by the assumptions we are making about what is expected. Why must we label? In a society that is increasingly full of self -entered people, why are so many of them afraid to actually be individuals?

If I asked you what your dream is would you know it?  That’s ok.  Every character in these books – real or fictional – had no idea what their path was until they were faced with the need to make a decision.  Some people have their dream from a very young age, but most people don’t. They don’t choose a path until they are at a crossroads and confronted with a choice.

Victoria, the young girl in GO AS A RIVER was forced to make a choice when the government announced they would be building a dam that would flood her town – and farm. Frankie in THE WOMEN enlists as an Army nurse after her brother is killed in Vietnam. Alexander Hamilton jumped from opportunity to opportunity, knowing from the start that he wanted a better life for the people in our fledgling country.  None of them dreamed of what their future held.. they made choices as opportunities arose that were consistent with their internal values and moral compass.

We need to trust our inner voices and moral compass and know that we are individuals – not groups, not labels.  It’s easy to understand those pressures of groupthink and the fears of retribution should your vision not fit those of the masses. But there’s a price to pay. Living based on peer pressure rather than true to your core pushes your suppressed desires into your body creating frustration and inner angst.

Trust yourself. Believe in yourself.  Be yourself.

BTW if you want to read the books with the strong female protagonists, here they are…

Go as A River, by Shelley Read - about a young girl who defies her community and societal expectations to forge her future and protect her family’s farming heritage.

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus - about a female chemist in the 1960s who breaks the molds of scientist, wife and mother in order to stay true to her intellectual integrity.

The Alice Network, by Katie Quinn - about a spy ring of women in World War 1 who put their lives on the line to defy the Germans in occupied France and Belgium.

The Women, by Kristen Hannah about a woman who defies her family’s values and becomes an extraordinary surgical nurse in Viet Nam.

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