When a Simple “I’m Sorry” Gets Complicated

Most people went to the Birds of Prey World Cup Men’s Ski Race at BeaverCreek, CO to watch incredible skiing. I spent eight hours/day for three days in a row standing outside on that cold, snowy mountain as one of over 800 volunteers helping to support the event.  

Of course the skiing was incredible. Even better were the behind the scenes experiences. I thought I’d share…

 Pure joy and gratitude of winning – Sure they’re professional athletes, but they’re also human.  Brazilian Lucas Braathen (Age 24)won silver in the Giant Slalom, missing the win by 12/100’s of a second to Swiss Skier Thomas Tumler.  You’ve never seen a happier loser, as Braathen earned Brazil’s first ever World Cup podium. The crowd saw Lucas dance at the race finish, and spray champagne on the podium. But, I was in the nearly empty building checking credentials for people to head toward the team area, when he and his coach came in to gather his belongings after his many interviews outside. The pure joy and amazement when no one was watching was infectious as he danced down the stairs and declared how incredibly excited he was to win… especially because he loves the Birds of Prey course.  It always feels good to see someone win and be happy, but there was something deeper about the purity of his enthusiasm at having accomplished something that was so big for both him and his country.

 Own Your Errors – Local hero and 13th ranked male skier in the world , River Radamus, placed 10^th(out of 60) after his first run in the Giant Slalom. He grew up in the town where the race was held, so it was no surprise that there were throngs of young people clamoring for this autograph and a picture.  Many of these kids were also skiers and world cup hopefuls, so they asked River his thoughts on his first run.  Rather than pass off their questions, River gave an honest and respectful answer:  “I was a little too careful and should have pushed harder.”  Not only did he own that it was all on him for being further from the front than he wanted, he didn’t dismiss questions from “kids”but instead answered them honestly, helping them learn and demonstrating what it is to take responsibility.

Role model – River Radamus demonstrated his skiing talent on the race course, but he showed himself to be a role model off the race course.  He had all the time in the world to be sure every fan got their autographs and pictures, and he assured everyone that he would remain until the last person. He was patient and respectful in interacting with every fan. His simple straightforward answer regarding his disappointing first run also showed fans that it’s ok to make a mistake or not to win. Kids are so afraid of failing.  River didn’t fail in his first run… and had an amazing second run… but he didn’t hit his goal and he wasn’t afraid to admit that. What a huge lesson for the young people.

No sore losers – There were many disappointments throughout the weekend, including when one of the top ranked skiers, Marco Odermatt from Switzerland, missed a gate in Giant Slalom and didn’t complete the race. Frustrated? Yes. Disappointed?  Of course. But there were no temper tantrums or displays of poor sportsmanship. Odermatt was not the only skier to exit early from a race. There were many.  And all perfect gentlemen about it, managing their own emotions while also supporting both their teammates and their competitors.

 Positive leadership – Hosting this event was a massive undertaking, with over 800 people volunteering on and off the race course.  I didn’t see the months of effort that went into the final event, only the on-the-spot positive leadership.  From the kick-off volunteer party and distribution of custom uniforms, to the 6:00am breakfast each day for hundreds of bleary eyed people, the volunteer coordinators led with enthusiasm and positive messaging. They created rapid connections among strangers with team breakfasts and photos each day.  No matter how exhausted the leaders were, they displayed energy and positivity throughout the weekend as they made sure each volunteer subgroup was on task, ensuring that we all were respectful of media and racers. Volunteering can be a thankless job, but the team leads were nothing but grateful for all involved.  

Stay humble.  One of my assignments during the weekend was to check credentials for the skiers/coaches and the media to be sure that no one inappropriate entered the restricted areas.  The only snark I got all day when I asked to see credentials was from the  television producer and the on-air talent who didn't have their tags and were indignant that I didn’t recognize them. Arrogance – no humility. The racers and their coaches, however, were perfectly happy showing me their cards all day long even though they were dressed in their racing uniforms and parkas.  Even home town hero River was happily unzipping his jacket to show me his tags in order to get in for lunch, but he was so recognizable I did not force him to undress.  The athletes and their coaches were not only humble, they were grateful that we were following the rules to protect their privacy and safety.

 It’s ok to say “No” – At one point I was monitoring the ADA platform, where people in wheelchairs could view the race. The rule:  One escort could be on a viewing stand with each handicapped person.  As painful as it was to turn some family members away, they understood the space limitations and accepted it. One grandma had her three grandchildren take turns to join her on the stand. What a great lesson for the kids to understand that sometimes the answer is “no” and sometimes you have wait for your turn.

Follow your own rules - I could have gotten some amazing photos of the athletes both at the race course, and when they were relaxing at lunch. But volunteers were told “no photos of athletes” since anything posted would have taken away from those which were paid for by the media, and of course we didn't want to impose on the racers' privacy. It would have been nice to have some great photos to share int his post or for my scrap book… but it’s better to have a clean conscience and know that I respected both the athletes and the media.

Gratitude moment:  to my dear friend and trainer, Stacey, for inspiring today’s blog with her suggestion during our ZOOM strength training class that we should write down what our accomplishments were this year.

Everyone talks about goal setting, including my constant exhortations of it in my 21 Day Awakening Happiness Course.  I talk about the importance and benefits of both daily goal setting as well as the bigger picture life changing goals. And, while I love tracking my daily accomplishments, and the associated dopamine hit that comes along with every item I cross off my list, it has never occurred to me to do a year-end review.  Wow… the most obvious concept sitting right in front of my face!

So what have I accomplished? It’s funny.. when I put myself on the spot to think about all the big things I’ve done, my mind goes blank. (Does your brain do that too when asked a big question?) But then I sat with it for a few minutes…and wow… so many things I had forgotten about, both big and small.  

Needless to say that reviewing your accomplishments is great for building confidence and self-esteem. It’s easy to forget what we did on a day to day basis, let alone through the year, which can leave you feeling empty. Filling in the blanks by realizing who you touched and what you did reinforces the connections you have with your community, your family and the broader world.  

What did I accomplish? At first blush, the things  I deal with every day came up for me:

1.       Supporting my 92 year old mom’s health care in assorted ways

2.       Hosted a beautiful wedding for our younger daughter

3.       Putting my fitness as a top priority – exercising six days/week

4.       Making an impact on the kids that I tutor

But then, there are the far more subtle accomplishments that make me proud and happy. Some are big and some might easily be overlooked as “nothing” but they really are steps that moved my life forward.

1.       Meeting new people and making new friends as I work to become part of the new community that I moved to two years ago.

          a.       Met people through playing pickleball in assorted different venues (and                     learned to play pickleball)

          b.       Met people through a network of photographers my husband is creating

          c.       Met people through volunteering to participate in community events

          d.       Joined a neighborhood book club (thanks to a woman I met through                     pickleball)

2.       A 6^th grade boy who I tutor who hates school and school work is finally turning a corner to be more responsible and actually care about getting his work done.

3.       The mother of another child who I tutor is finally seeing where her loving kindness to her son was harming her son's confidence. She is learning to treat him as the competent young man that he is. I have been coaching this mom for well over a year on not indulging his childishness.

4.       Saying “yes” to things that are outside of my comfort zone, including a weekend camping trip with some women who I’ve never met before.  Both the camping and the spending a weekend with strangers are “uncomfortable” for me. Learning how to be uncomfortable is an important skill for everyone…that’s a blog for another day.

5.       Hanging pretty holiday lights on our deck. We are the first house people see in the neighborhood, so it is nice to give people a festive welcome.

What would your Year in Review look like?  Don’t know where to start?   Just get out your phone’s notes app or a piece of paper and put a title at the top… then let the question percolate in the back of your mind.  Don’t sit and force the memories out. They’ll never come. You may not think of things right off the bat, but give it time.  Be careful not to just go for big accomplishments. Look at the smaller wins.. the pieces of the big picture ones. Each of those little daily wins adds to the soup.  

Can’t think of what you did? Here are some prompts for you:

·     Did you help a friend?

·     Finish a project?

·     Learn a new skill?

·     Stick with a new habit? Create a new habit?  Could be as simple as increasing the amount of water you drink/day (which is REALLY important).

·     Go for a walk each day?

For next year, start your list in January or consider creating an “I Did It” jar so you won’t draw a blank when you reflect on accomplishments next December. Each day put a slip of paper in the jar with something that you’ve accomplished that day that makes you feel good. You can do more than one a day, but put each on a different slip of paper.  At the end of the year you can read through them savoring each pride-filled moment.

“When you pay attention to boredom it gets unbelievably interesting.” (Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor emeritus of medicine, focused on bringing mindfulness into the mainstream of society.) While there can often be a tedium to day to day life, there are also gems of accomplishment each day.   Be proud of them all.

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To appropriate Charles Dickens, the holidays are “the best of times and the worst of times.”  There’s nothing better than beautiful decorations and twinkling lights…having your family reunited, even If only for a day. The fun of gift giving and gift getting. For those of Christian faith there is the commemoration of the miracle of Jesus’ birth and for the Jews, commemorating the miracle after the destruction of the temple.  On the other hand, there is the pressure to buy, wrap and send gifts…to decorate the house.. to create, write and mail holiday greeting cards.. crowded travel and weather related delays.  It’s wonderful… and stressful.

I thought I’d help with 21 ways to ease your holiday stress.

Why 21?  Because that’s the magic number for how long it takes to be able to create new habits (hence my 21 Day AwakeningHappiness Program). Below are 21 different ideas, which will hopefully get you into the habit of self-care and creating ease even when the pressure is on.

1.    Start early – make a list of what you need to do and buy so you can see your whole playing field.  Things are always more manageable when you have the full picture.

2.    Cut it back – Now that you have your list, where can you cut back?  I love a large festive pile of wrapped boxes as much as anyone, but how many items does anyone really need?  Can you cut one item out for each family member? Simplify the stocking stuffers? And, for the special holiday dinner, can you live with only one starch side dish and desert rather than potatoes and pasta plus pie, cake and cookies?

3.    Daily reminder of the joyful aspect of theholidays.  What do you love the most about the holidays?  Spend a few minutes each morning reflecting on that:  the beautiful light shows… family around the dinner table…the family tradition of playing charades… children’s laughter and enjoyment of being with their cousins…opening gifts… matching pajamas.. whatever it is, think about those moments to put you in the holiday mood.

4.    Sweets are a treat  - It seems that baked goods and candy are even more prevalent at Christmas-time than for Halloween or Easter!  Enjoy it, but watch your intake. A little is good (especially really good dark chocolate) but too much will feel bad today, tomorrow and when your clothes don’t fit the same after the holidays.

5.    Consider a charitable donation Instead -  For the people on my list who thankfully don’t need anything I’ve made charitable donations instead.  I’ve done this for my mom and mothers-in-law for the last several years, rather than buying them something they don’t need or won’t use.

6.    Schedule your tasks…create a schedule for all of your tasks, starting early so you don’t get stuck in a last minute crunch.  And if you’re afraid your cards will be late, it’s ok.   Friends and family will be happy to hear from you any time.

7.    Say yes to that holiday open house even if you think you’re too busy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve not felt like doing something or going someplace… and then had a great time. In fact, that’s how I met my husband – going to a party that I didn’t feel like going to.  Who knows what magic is in store foryou this holiday season.

8.    Light a candle with scents of the season. Our sense of smell is our most powerful sense…Let the aroma of pine trees or apple pie take you to a happy place.

9.    Be quiet. Turn off the television, music, movies, podcasts.. and just be in silence as you do whatever else you’re doing.Our brains get overwhelmed with noise. Silence allows a re-set.

10.  Eatreal food.  Sweets and treats of the season are tempting, but they won’t help your patience or energy. Protein packed meals with veggies and complex carbs will be far better fuel.

11.  SleepIn for 30 minutes when you can,  I love lolly gagging In bed on  weekends since I’m usually up by 6:00 during the week. Even five or ten minutes can feel like a huge vacation.

12.  Give yourself a foot-massage – Massage helps you mentally and physically, including release of feel good pain killing endorphins.  You can’t massage your whole body, but you can massage your feet, which in Eastern medicine are directly connected to all areas of your body. Use rich moisturizing lotion to slowly massage all areas of your foot – toes, balls, arches, tops, heals, ankles.. or you can roll yourfoot on a tennis or lacrosse ball, placing light but firm pressure on the ball while you roll it.  

13.  Lower your expectations. We all have fantasies of that perfect Hallmark Holiday and then get disappointed that the gravy is lumpy or the kids started fighting with each other.  Expect the imperfections as part of the color of the day and you won’t be disappointed or frustrated.

14.  Call an old friend – holidays are for connecting with loved ones, even those who are far away. Talking to special or life-long friends can help you feel grounded and connected – even when you don’t see them often, the heart connection is always there and can perk you right up.

15.  Practice Endless Patience  - It’s easy to be impatient in the midst of the holiday crowds and rush. So it’s more important than ever to be patient with those around you who are dealing with their own overwhelm. The more patient you are, the more you can help others stay calm and enjoy the season.

16.  Keep up with your exercise. As tempting as it is to say you’re too tired or too busy, exercise will keep your energy up and clear your head of stressors. Bonus: you won’t be as effected by the sweet treats of the season if you keep yourself active.

17.  Ask for a hug – Just because the going is tough, doesn’t mean you have to be. It’s ok to ask for a hug from a loved one to help calm you. They’re magical. In fact, you don’t have to wait to be in a state of stress.  Do what I do… start and end your day with a hug.. and get some extras in between.

18.  Hydrate-be sure that you are drinking plenty of water – at least 64 ounces a day.  Dehydration drains your energy and yourfocus.

19.  Get out in the sunshine – Seasonal Affective Disorder starts when the days shorten, and our bodies create too much melatonin and get depleted of VitaminD. Spend 15—30 minutes a day (preferably in the morning) soaking up that delicious sunshine.

20.  Right-size your alcohol intake – It’s easy to over indulge on alcohol over the holidays.  Watch your intake – no one feels good mentally or physically after drinking too much.

21.  Have fun!! – the holidays are about having fun. Maintain a sense of humor. Allow yourself to play. Don’t take any of it too seriously.  And, have some fun.

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I made a 6^th grader who I was tutoring cry.  Why? Because I abruptly ended our session after nearly two hours of cajoling him to complete six math problems.  It was a last resort aimed at helping him to break his pattern of avoiding doing his homework. It’s not that he’s incapable, it’s that he is utterly overwhelmed since he is behind on homework in every class, and honestly behind grade level in his knowledge of the curriculum. Anyone would be overwhelmed to be that behind.  

The challenges of getting my tutee to focus reminded me of a quote from a Rom-Com movie (A Match in Manhattan) I watched recently, “When kids get overwhelmed, they shut off.”  I loved that statement, though I would adjust it a little. In my experience, kids react to overwhelm in one of two ways:  they either totally check out and stop communicating, or they lash out verbally and/or physically.  Either way, helping them learn to handle overwhelm is vital to their future success in all areas of their lives.  I am talking about children, but frankly adults react in very similar ways to children when it comes to overwhelm.  You could even say that adults become children when they are overwhelmed.  Hmmmm.

How to handle the overwhelm for children and adults?  

1.    Awareness is first.  Like with everything, you can’t change your behavior if you’re not aware that it’s occurring. There is no dishonor in being overwhelmed. We all do it from time to time. That’s life and you can’t avoid it. The key is understanding that it sometimes occurs and then becoming aware of it so that you know that it might be impacting your behavior, emotions and judgment. Just like I need to be aware of my short temper when I’m hungry, I will readily admit that my patience is short and my judgement is clouded when I have a plate that is overflowing with demands.  By acknowledging your overwhelm you can then work to manage your behavior and thoughts, which in turn avoids saying or doing something that can hurt you, those around you and your relationships.

2.    Take the first step - Things seem overwhelming until you try them. Every week my fitness trainer shows me some exercise I’m supposed to do where in my head I think “Ugh. No way I can do that. It’s going to be awful.”  But, of course I do it (because I have to), and inevitably it’s not as bad as I anticipated and generally I totally nail it. The same is true for all sorts of challenges. We let our mind games of fear and insecurity stop us from moving forward.  Perfectionists in particular get paralyzed at progress for fear that they will make the wrong decision.

Quiet your head and simply do it -one step at a time.

For kids, break things down into small steps and support them through trying. Kids don’t automatically know how to break large tasks or long lists of tasks into smaller bites – we must teach them those executive function skills. Be supportive and give then language of success (e.g., I know you’re capable of this) and don’t offer language of overwhelm (e.g., You don’t have to finish it if it’s too much). Don’t let them play the language game of “I’m too stupid” or “this is too hard” – that is simply setting up an excuse for failure.

3.    Shrink Your Plate – What is on your plate?  Is it too much? Does it all really have to be there?  Does it all have to be there today?  Can deadlines be shifted? Know the difference between what is urgent – and must be done in short order vs. what is important – items that are often more complex but have a great impact in the long run.

For adults, give yourself permission to say “no” when asked to add something to your task list.  We want to be helpful to others, but sometimes you need to know where to draw a boundary. For kids… look at how they’re overprogrammed.  How many after school activities and sports teams are they being shuttled to in the name of enriching them?  Our kids have lost the art of creative play or the ability to simply do nothing, while we have simultaneously removed their quiet re-set time.  Over programming = overwhelm. 

4.    Prioritize – what must be done first?  I interviewed someone for a podcast years ago who said people have a hard time prioritizing and  that they do small tasks to pretend that they are accomplishing something rather than focusing on the thing(s) that will have the greatest impact.  Look at what is overwhelming you and break it down into smaller bites.  You can only do one thing at a time. Figure out that one thing to focus on next and put the others aside.

5.    Avoid Kids’ Overwhelm – My little friend wouldn’t have been overwhelmed if he hadn’t gotten so far behind.  Why was he behind? Because he was never taught to be accountable. Neither teachers nor parents enforced the rules and they all let him slide through year after year with special accommodations and empty threats and punishments. Now, seven years after starting school, he is behind in his skills and fearful of not being able to answer the questions or do the work.  We are currently  working very hard with him on developing both the skills/knowledge and the accountability so that he can address the challenges with confidence rather than fear.

If you’re a parent, know that it is far more loving to help your children learn to deal with challenges and overcome them, rather than to handle it for them such that they never learn the skills nor develop the strength to confront them.

6.    Avoid Adult Overwhelm – When adults get overwhelmed it can similarly be a fear of not knowing. But that’s just one option.  Equally as overwhelming is that they simply have too much to do – either because they take on too much or because they allow the world to place more demands on their plate than they can handle.  Know that you are in control of your day and you have the choices of how you fill each one. Yes, of course, there are things that we get obliged to do.. and emergencies arise which throw a big wrench into even the best plans.  

 Control what you can control… and then stay calm so you can adjust to things you can’t control.  Limit your daily “must do” list to two big or five small tasks in order to allow time for the emergencies that inevitably popup.

 Life is a never ending dance of activity and change.  Remember that you are in charge of the pace of the music. You can choose to do a slow waltz or a fast jive.

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“Paper has more patience than people.” That was a quote from one of the early entries in TheDiary of Anne Frank, written by a young Jewish girl, who, along with her family, spent over two years hiding from Hitler and the Nazis. (I am currently reading this book with a middle-schooler who I tutor.)  Anne, 13 years old, decided to start writing in her diary because she was bored and feeling sorry for herself that her friends weren’t available as the early days of Hitler’s war was spreading across Germany and Europe.  Anne’s words have wisdom beyond her years as she realized the power of putting your thoughts on paper where they can be released from her head, and can remain private for only her to review or to bury.

Writing things out – be it public, like a blog, or private like a diary – is indeed very therapeutic.   It’s been shown in many studies to help improve our physical and emotional health...everything from strengthening immune function to improving sleep.  It reduces stress, anxiety and PTSD symptoms and it increases self-confidence and personal growth.  

There’s no cost to journaling, and  it’s certainly cheaper than medication, psychologists and personal coaches with zero risks or side effects.

There are many formal types of writing from simple list making to gratitude journals and prompted free writing.  I don’t care about the label on it, I care about what makes me feel good at the time. Many people know they should write, but don’t know where to start or what to do.Here are some ideas…

Wish for the day – How would you like your day to go? Set a vision or goal and draft how that will play out in the day. Example:  “My day is full of love – I feel loved as do the people around me” … “I know that I can set a loving tone for all in my world. I greet everyone with a happy good morning and a big hug and kiss for my family. I let them know they are appreciated, thanking them for the efforts they make. “

What I did today… many people get to the end of the day and scratch their heads on what’s been accomplished even though they know they were busy all day long. I keep a note pad at my desk where I simply scribble down what I accomplish as I do it each day. Can be something big like writing a new blog or researching car insurance renewal – or something small like doing laundry or walking the dog.  Sure something like walk the dog or empty the dishwasher are everyday occurrences, but they also take time and would be a problem if not done.

“Vomit”out your problems – Got something bothering you?  Frustrated by work? Family? Your kids’ teachers?Trying to fight an insurance claim?   We all have frustrations that bother us. The problem is when you let it eat at you rather than letting it go. Swirling frustrations create inner turmoil as well as release inflammatory cortisol. Better is to “vomit”your problems onto paper.  Just start writing and see where it takes you. Talk about what happened… how it makes you feel…why it’s so ridiculous…why it makes you feel that way… how you reacted..how “they” reacted… what could be done differently …  You get the idea.  Get all angles and thoughts out and see where it takes you.   Usually by the time I’ve gotten my frustrations out on paper I’ve both eased my emotional frustrations and even come up with alternate ways of viewing the situation that make it less burdensome.

GratitudeList/Journal – This can be long and detailed, or just bullet points.  What are you grateful for? Making a quick list of what you’re grateful for can quickly shift a pity party that focuses on life’s shortcomings to a realization of the richness in your life. Even when things are looking gloomy there is always something to be grateful for:  a beautiful sunrise, your dog’s wagging tail, traffic was lighter than usual, the warmth of your spouse at your side, the health of your children, heated car seats on a cold winter morning, your aging parents still being in your life… Big or small, there is always something to be grateful for to lift your mood and improve wellbeing.

Write It from the Other Side – Do you have someone or some situation bothering you? Try writing it from another point of view. Step out of your framework and see if you can understand “their” rationale for their behavior or opinions. We all get attached to our opinions and views, but what if our personal biases cloud our ability to realize that perhaps there are other factors that are making us feel bad? Writing from the other side is a great way to increase empathy for others and expand your own emotional quotient.

What if… - What’s the worst thing that can happen?Sometimes when you’re worried about something you get caught in an out of control spiral of fear.  But, rationally playing through the what if of a situation can help you see that your worst case scenario may not be so likely or so horrible… and that there are alternate possible outcomes.  What if you don’t get the new job? What if you do get the new job?  What would happen in each scenario and what would the next steps be for each?

Tomorrow’s Day – This is a five minute before bed project.  Just outline the tasks and appointments you have for tomorrow. Let’s you release your brain from trying to remember it all so that you can sleep better, and then you have the plan for the day when you awake.

Writing doesn’t need to take a long time. I spend five minutes every night creating my list and framing my day for the “tomorrow” and usually five to ten minutes when I need to work through a challenge or “vomit” something out.  If you want to write longer, go for it but don’t feel obliged to. Benefits can come from just a few minutes.

One other point… handwritten or typed?  Net-net, do what you are most comfortable with and whatever inspires you.  There have been studies showing the link between the process of handwriting and improved memory, learning and brain stimulation, which is likely why many people(including myself) re-write their notes when trying to study for a test or do other preparation for things they need to remember. Writing by hand forces you to slow down and focus which can be a good thing, though it can also feel burdensome when you have a lot to get off your chest.  Do what feels best to you. For me, I write some things and type others.  Lists are always hand written because the writing helps me remember the items better.  Big emotional catharses are sometimes written and sometimes typed – since I can type faster than I can write, I will often resort to typing if I want to get it all off my mind quickly whereas I will write it out if I want to slowly think about what I’m writing and the issues surrounding it.  Try them both and see what feels best to you.  No matter what you do, something is definitely better than nothing.

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I’ve read a number of books recently – both fiction and non-fiction -  about some amazing people, all of whom were brave enough to break the molds of their expected life paths, and forge their own pathways.  In most of the books the characters were in their twenties when they made these decisions, challenging social and family mores and often ending up temporarily ostracized for their choices.  Painful?  Yes.  Satisfying for the protagonist? Yes.  Inspirational? Absolutely. I love seeing strong individuals overcome challenges, live true to their hearts and succeed.  I wish that more people today were brave enough to know their pathways and pursue them even if the path might be difficult.

But these are just books you say? Real life doesn’t work like that?  Well, all but two books were either historical fiction or fiction based on heavy research of the time period, so grounded in facts. And,  GIFTED HANDS by Dr. Ben Carson, was an autobiography of someone who went from being the worst student in the 4^th grade to one of the leading neurosurgeons of our time, and Ron Chernow’s ALEXANDER HAMILTON was a tome that detailed how a poor orphan from a Caribbean Island became one of the most influential figures in the history and structure of this country.  

Impressive to me in each case was the courage displayed by these individuals challenging social and family mores in order to do what they believed was right for them.  Young women were encouraged to find a nice young man and get married but instead the characters in the books became spies in German occupied France in World War 1, or the owner and visionary for a significant farm in the 1960s, or a surgical nurse on the front lines in the Vietnam War.  Carson wasn’t supposed to be the top student in his class. Hamilton wasn’t supposed to succeed at anything given his social standing.

Molds can be broken.   Social mores can be challenged.  In order to do it, individuals must view themselves as individuals rather than shackled by their affinity group, be it gender, race, nationality or otherwise.

Ironically, the recent cultural leanings want to individuals to express their unique identity through pronoun selection or even gender selection, yet there is a lot of social pressure by those same individuals to expect ethnic and gender groups to behave based on group stereotypes, in particular when it comes to the upcoming election. Women are expected to vote for the female candidate in a show of solidarity, and minority groups such as Hispanics, Jews and Blacks are expected to vote Democratic just because that’s what the majority of those groups have historically done.

Groupthink cannot co-exist with individuality.

The pressure to fit a mold and adhere to society’s group labels is antithetical to the American Dream, which allows that any individual from any background has the ability to pursue and hopefully achieve success, however success might be defined by the individual. (I specifically don’t want to say success is all about money.) Yet, these group labels hold people back from achieving their dream if they somehow feel guilt that they are turning their backs on some falsely assigned affinity group.

Think about it. We…

…historically assumed women must be demure and secondary to men. False

…assume blacks are all the same in their world view. False

…assume women should blindly support other women just because they’re women, no matter the abilities or demonstrated skills. False

…similarly assume blacks should support blacks.. Hispanics should support Hispanics and Jews should support Jews. False

…assume blacks are all the same and that Hispanics are all the same. False.  That would be like saying Whites are all the same, but no one would agree that someone from Norway has the same cultural values and world view as someone from Australia.. or that Californians are the same as those from Wyoming. So why assume that someone from Mexico is the same as someone from Peru or Honduras?  Or that someone from Jamaica is the same as someone from Chad or Botswana?

How can we be individuals when pressured to fall in line with the group?

These very popular books tell the stories of incredible people and characters, yet societally people seem to continue to be stuck in their ruts and fearful of pursuing their true paths.  People want to fantasize about super heroes overcoming the odds, but it’s easier to stay safe than take a risk in real life.  It’s easier to be a victim and blame others for holding you back rather than realize that you are choosing to be a victim instead of making the hard choice of pursuing your dream.  It’s fun to dream about someone else stepping out for themselves, but frightening to do it for yourself.

Why must we be constrained by the assumptions we are making about what is expected. Why must we label? In a society that is increasingly full of self -entered people, why are so many of them afraid to actually be individuals?

If I asked you what your dream is would you know it?  That’s ok.  Every character in these books – real or fictional – had no idea what their path was until they were faced with the need to make a decision.  Some people have their dream from a very young age, but most people don’t. They don’t choose a path until they are at a crossroads and confronted with a choice.

Victoria, the young girl in GO AS A RIVER was forced to make a choice when the government announced they would be building a dam that would flood her town – and farm. Frankie in THE WOMEN enlists as an Army nurse after her brother is killed in Vietnam. Alexander Hamilton jumped from opportunity to opportunity, knowing from the start that he wanted a better life for the people in our fledgling country.  None of them dreamed of what their future held.. they made choices as opportunities arose that were consistent with their internal values and moral compass.

We need to trust our inner voices and moral compass and know that we are individuals – not groups, not labels.  It’s easy to understand those pressures of groupthink and the fears of retribution should your vision not fit those of the masses. But there’s a price to pay. Living based on peer pressure rather than true to your core pushes your suppressed desires into your body creating frustration and inner angst.

Trust yourself. Believe in yourself.  Be yourself.

BTW if you want to read the books with the strong female protagonists, here they are…

Go as A River, by Shelley Read - about a young girl who defies her community and societal expectations to forge her future and protect her family’s farming heritage.

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus - about a female chemist in the 1960s who breaks the molds of scientist, wife and mother in order to stay true to her intellectual integrity.

The Alice Network, by Katie Quinn - about a spy ring of women in World War 1 who put their lives on the line to defy the Germans in occupied France and Belgium.

The Women, by Kristen Hannah about a woman who defies her family’s values and becomes an extraordinary surgical nurse in Viet Nam.

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