When a Simple “I’m Sorry” Gets Complicated

“Paper has more patience than people.” That was a quote from one of the early entries in TheDiary of Anne Frank, written by a young Jewish girl, who, along with her family, spent over two years hiding from Hitler and the Nazis. (I am currently reading this book with a middle-schooler who I tutor.)  Anne, 13 years old, decided to start writing in her diary because she was bored and feeling sorry for herself that her friends weren’t available as the early days of Hitler’s war was spreading across Germany and Europe.  Anne’s words have wisdom beyond her years as she realized the power of putting your thoughts on paper where they can be released from her head, and can remain private for only her to review or to bury.

Writing things out – be it public, like a blog, or private like a diary – is indeed very therapeutic.   It’s been shown in many studies to help improve our physical and emotional health...everything from strengthening immune function to improving sleep.  It reduces stress, anxiety and PTSD symptoms and it increases self-confidence and personal growth.  

There’s no cost to journaling, and  it’s certainly cheaper than medication, psychologists and personal coaches with zero risks or side effects.

There are many formal types of writing from simple list making to gratitude journals and prompted free writing.  I don’t care about the label on it, I care about what makes me feel good at the time. Many people know they should write, but don’t know where to start or what to do.Here are some ideas…

Wish for the day – How would you like your day to go? Set a vision or goal and draft how that will play out in the day. Example:  “My day is full of love – I feel loved as do the people around me” … “I know that I can set a loving tone for all in my world. I greet everyone with a happy good morning and a big hug and kiss for my family. I let them know they are appreciated, thanking them for the efforts they make. “

What I did today… many people get to the end of the day and scratch their heads on what’s been accomplished even though they know they were busy all day long. I keep a note pad at my desk where I simply scribble down what I accomplish as I do it each day. Can be something big like writing a new blog or researching car insurance renewal – or something small like doing laundry or walking the dog.  Sure something like walk the dog or empty the dishwasher are everyday occurrences, but they also take time and would be a problem if not done.

“Vomit”out your problems – Got something bothering you?  Frustrated by work? Family? Your kids’ teachers?Trying to fight an insurance claim?   We all have frustrations that bother us. The problem is when you let it eat at you rather than letting it go. Swirling frustrations create inner turmoil as well as release inflammatory cortisol. Better is to “vomit”your problems onto paper.  Just start writing and see where it takes you. Talk about what happened… how it makes you feel…why it’s so ridiculous…why it makes you feel that way… how you reacted..how “they” reacted… what could be done differently …  You get the idea.  Get all angles and thoughts out and see where it takes you.   Usually by the time I’ve gotten my frustrations out on paper I’ve both eased my emotional frustrations and even come up with alternate ways of viewing the situation that make it less burdensome.

GratitudeList/Journal – This can be long and detailed, or just bullet points.  What are you grateful for? Making a quick list of what you’re grateful for can quickly shift a pity party that focuses on life’s shortcomings to a realization of the richness in your life. Even when things are looking gloomy there is always something to be grateful for:  a beautiful sunrise, your dog’s wagging tail, traffic was lighter than usual, the warmth of your spouse at your side, the health of your children, heated car seats on a cold winter morning, your aging parents still being in your life… Big or small, there is always something to be grateful for to lift your mood and improve wellbeing.

Write It from the Other Side – Do you have someone or some situation bothering you? Try writing it from another point of view. Step out of your framework and see if you can understand “their” rationale for their behavior or opinions. We all get attached to our opinions and views, but what if our personal biases cloud our ability to realize that perhaps there are other factors that are making us feel bad? Writing from the other side is a great way to increase empathy for others and expand your own emotional quotient.

What if… - What’s the worst thing that can happen?Sometimes when you’re worried about something you get caught in an out of control spiral of fear.  But, rationally playing through the what if of a situation can help you see that your worst case scenario may not be so likely or so horrible… and that there are alternate possible outcomes.  What if you don’t get the new job? What if you do get the new job?  What would happen in each scenario and what would the next steps be for each?

Tomorrow’s Day – This is a five minute before bed project.  Just outline the tasks and appointments you have for tomorrow. Let’s you release your brain from trying to remember it all so that you can sleep better, and then you have the plan for the day when you awake.

Writing doesn’t need to take a long time. I spend five minutes every night creating my list and framing my day for the “tomorrow” and usually five to ten minutes when I need to work through a challenge or “vomit” something out.  If you want to write longer, go for it but don’t feel obliged to. Benefits can come from just a few minutes.

One other point… handwritten or typed?  Net-net, do what you are most comfortable with and whatever inspires you.  There have been studies showing the link between the process of handwriting and improved memory, learning and brain stimulation, which is likely why many people(including myself) re-write their notes when trying to study for a test or do other preparation for things they need to remember. Writing by hand forces you to slow down and focus which can be a good thing, though it can also feel burdensome when you have a lot to get off your chest.  Do what feels best to you. For me, I write some things and type others.  Lists are always hand written because the writing helps me remember the items better.  Big emotional catharses are sometimes written and sometimes typed – since I can type faster than I can write, I will often resort to typing if I want to get it all off my mind quickly whereas I will write it out if I want to slowly think about what I’m writing and the issues surrounding it.  Try them both and see what feels best to you.  No matter what you do, something is definitely better than nothing.

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I’ve read a number of books recently – both fiction and non-fiction -  about some amazing people, all of whom were brave enough to break the molds of their expected life paths, and forge their own pathways.  In most of the books the characters were in their twenties when they made these decisions, challenging social and family mores and often ending up temporarily ostracized for their choices.  Painful?  Yes.  Satisfying for the protagonist? Yes.  Inspirational? Absolutely. I love seeing strong individuals overcome challenges, live true to their hearts and succeed.  I wish that more people today were brave enough to know their pathways and pursue them even if the path might be difficult.

But these are just books you say? Real life doesn’t work like that?  Well, all but two books were either historical fiction or fiction based on heavy research of the time period, so grounded in facts. And,  GIFTED HANDS by Dr. Ben Carson, was an autobiography of someone who went from being the worst student in the 4^th grade to one of the leading neurosurgeons of our time, and Ron Chernow’s ALEXANDER HAMILTON was a tome that detailed how a poor orphan from a Caribbean Island became one of the most influential figures in the history and structure of this country.  

Impressive to me in each case was the courage displayed by these individuals challenging social and family mores in order to do what they believed was right for them.  Young women were encouraged to find a nice young man and get married but instead the characters in the books became spies in German occupied France in World War 1, or the owner and visionary for a significant farm in the 1960s, or a surgical nurse on the front lines in the Vietnam War.  Carson wasn’t supposed to be the top student in his class. Hamilton wasn’t supposed to succeed at anything given his social standing.

Molds can be broken.   Social mores can be challenged.  In order to do it, individuals must view themselves as individuals rather than shackled by their affinity group, be it gender, race, nationality or otherwise.

Ironically, the recent cultural leanings want to individuals to express their unique identity through pronoun selection or even gender selection, yet there is a lot of social pressure by those same individuals to expect ethnic and gender groups to behave based on group stereotypes, in particular when it comes to the upcoming election. Women are expected to vote for the female candidate in a show of solidarity, and minority groups such as Hispanics, Jews and Blacks are expected to vote Democratic just because that’s what the majority of those groups have historically done.

Groupthink cannot co-exist with individuality.

The pressure to fit a mold and adhere to society’s group labels is antithetical to the American Dream, which allows that any individual from any background has the ability to pursue and hopefully achieve success, however success might be defined by the individual. (I specifically don’t want to say success is all about money.) Yet, these group labels hold people back from achieving their dream if they somehow feel guilt that they are turning their backs on some falsely assigned affinity group.

Think about it. We…

…historically assumed women must be demure and secondary to men. False

…assume blacks are all the same in their world view. False

…assume women should blindly support other women just because they’re women, no matter the abilities or demonstrated skills. False

…similarly assume blacks should support blacks.. Hispanics should support Hispanics and Jews should support Jews. False

…assume blacks are all the same and that Hispanics are all the same. False.  That would be like saying Whites are all the same, but no one would agree that someone from Norway has the same cultural values and world view as someone from Australia.. or that Californians are the same as those from Wyoming. So why assume that someone from Mexico is the same as someone from Peru or Honduras?  Or that someone from Jamaica is the same as someone from Chad or Botswana?

How can we be individuals when pressured to fall in line with the group?

These very popular books tell the stories of incredible people and characters, yet societally people seem to continue to be stuck in their ruts and fearful of pursuing their true paths.  People want to fantasize about super heroes overcoming the odds, but it’s easier to stay safe than take a risk in real life.  It’s easier to be a victim and blame others for holding you back rather than realize that you are choosing to be a victim instead of making the hard choice of pursuing your dream.  It’s fun to dream about someone else stepping out for themselves, but frightening to do it for yourself.

Why must we be constrained by the assumptions we are making about what is expected. Why must we label? In a society that is increasingly full of self -entered people, why are so many of them afraid to actually be individuals?

If I asked you what your dream is would you know it?  That’s ok.  Every character in these books – real or fictional – had no idea what their path was until they were faced with the need to make a decision.  Some people have their dream from a very young age, but most people don’t. They don’t choose a path until they are at a crossroads and confronted with a choice.

Victoria, the young girl in GO AS A RIVER was forced to make a choice when the government announced they would be building a dam that would flood her town – and farm. Frankie in THE WOMEN enlists as an Army nurse after her brother is killed in Vietnam. Alexander Hamilton jumped from opportunity to opportunity, knowing from the start that he wanted a better life for the people in our fledgling country.  None of them dreamed of what their future held.. they made choices as opportunities arose that were consistent with their internal values and moral compass.

We need to trust our inner voices and moral compass and know that we are individuals – not groups, not labels.  It’s easy to understand those pressures of groupthink and the fears of retribution should your vision not fit those of the masses. But there’s a price to pay. Living based on peer pressure rather than true to your core pushes your suppressed desires into your body creating frustration and inner angst.

Trust yourself. Believe in yourself.  Be yourself.

BTW if you want to read the books with the strong female protagonists, here they are…

Go as A River, by Shelley Read - about a young girl who defies her community and societal expectations to forge her future and protect her family’s farming heritage.

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus - about a female chemist in the 1960s who breaks the molds of scientist, wife and mother in order to stay true to her intellectual integrity.

The Alice Network, by Katie Quinn - about a spy ring of women in World War 1 who put their lives on the line to defy the Germans in occupied France and Belgium.

The Women, by Kristen Hannah about a woman who defies her family’s values and becomes an extraordinary surgical nurse in Viet Nam.

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Many years ago I was “accused” of being selfish by the leader of a seminar I was attending.  How on earth could I be selfish? I would give the shirt off my back and everything in my wallet to someone in need. No. No. No. That wasn’t his point. It wasn’t about financial generosity. He was referring to the fact that while I seemed outwardly outgoing, I actually was withholding when it came to sharing my inner thoughts and feelings.  Hmmm.  Guilty.  I grew up in a family that was generally quite reserved when it came to talking about true feelings, so yes, I could see where I was, in fact, holding myself back from truly connecting with people.

Fast forward through years of coaching and I’ve gotten over my “selfishness” but in this socially sensitive era, I fear that societally we are losing the art of conversation and true verbal connection.

An example…

My husband and I went to a wedding last week. It was one of those incredibly happy weddings where the bride and groom are “perfect” together and the families and friends have nothing but love and enthusiasm for the union.  We were placed at a table where we didn’t know most of the people and I was seated next to a lovely couple.  We spoke briefly about how we were each connected to the wedding and a little bit about where we each lived. With each round I would ask a question and my dinner partner would answer as we verbally danced, trying to find common ground. We found some when it came to twenty-something kids starting their lives and our shared interest in the outdoors.  He and his wife were lovely and I am very glad to have shared time with them.

What I was sad about was that this was another experience in which I meet people who are happy to answer questions but do little to proactively initiate or advance a conversation.  Conversation is an art and I fear it’s one that is getting lost.

I acknowledge that large events can be especially intimidating since it’s difficult to break into a group of people when you don’t know anyone and it’s hard to talk across a table in a loud ballroom. But, think about the many individual interactions on a daily basis where it’s easy to have a conversation and yet it’s all transactional data without human interest.

The morning of the wedding I went to a salon to get my hair blown-out.  The stylist was someone who I had never met before. I was there for 30 minutes and, of course, it was loud. But in that time I learned about the dear friend who my stylist had lost to a drunk driver, her father’s strict rules and her push back on them as a teen, including body piercings just to “piss him off”, her close relationship with her sister, and the wonderful 17 year old son that she is raising despite her becoming a single mother after getting pregnant senior year in high school. The son’s plan after graduation:  enter the Navy to gain training as a nuclear technician which he can then take to college after discharge for an engineering degree.  Pretty impressive.   All of that information and her fascinating story started with a simple question:  “What is the story behind  the tattoo on your arm?”

This wasn’t an interrogation – I shared my own tales of parental pushback and we talked about the challenges facing our young people today.

I was genuinely interested.  All it takes to develop the art of conversation is a sense of curiosity and a genuine interest in other humans.  Has our laser-focused-search-engine-centric world dulled our ability to be broadly curious?  And has the pressure to be politically correct and fearful of offending muted our ability to express interest in other people?

How do we re-develop the art of conversation?

For starters, don’t be afraid.  I see a number of young people who are afraid to speak up or ask questions, especially personal questions. I don’t understand what their fear is. When I ask “why” they tell me that they just think it’s inappropriate.  But it’s not… would you be offended if someone showed genuine interest in you?  Or spoke to you as a person rather than a transaction?  Neither would I.  It’s ironic that in the world where people overshare extremely personal images all over social media that they are afraid to actually talk to others on a personal level.  

There is much complaint about the demise of customer service, but it’s amazing the great service I can get when I talk to the phone representative as a person – admiring their name or asking where they are based.

The other critical aspect of conversation is to think about it as a game in which the goal is to keep the ball in the air. I would use a tennis or volleyball analogy but there you want to go for the kill shot to win the point, rather than continue the rally.  This means that even if you are asked a specific question like “where do you live”? Or “have you ever been to [fill in the blank location where you currently are] don’t give a single word answer. Add in a little bit of extraneous information that provides fodder for continued discussion.

For example… even something as straight forward as “where do you live” can be interesting if you talk about the fact that where you are living is the fifth state that you have lived in during your life (“Well, I currently live in St Louis, but it’s just the latest location since I’ve moved five times in the past 10 years”), or that even if you’re still living in the town where you grew up you can make a comment about how much it has changed, or that you like the city, country, beaches or some feature about where you live (“I live in Pennsylvania, right near the Pennsylvania Dutch community” or “Right near Hershey Park”). There is something interesting that can be included about any place. Maybe someone famous lives nearby or a reference to it from a popular movie or book. I will frequently weave the fact that my husband is was born in Denver and that we currently live in the mountains of Colorado into a conversation simply because Colorado has so much lore around it and there are many who dream of visiting one day. Or I will mention that I have two daughters.  Kids are always an easy jumping off points from which further conversation can flow. Beyond that, it’s truly just caring and curiosity.

Not sure where to start? Here are some conversation topics and starters for you…apologies that some are so basic but clearly bear repeating

1. At a wedding or celebration (as mentioned above)  What is your relationship to the bride/groom/guest of honor?  As follow-up:  Tell me a story about them when they were young.
2. Tell me about your tattoo – I love asking this because almost all of them have a story behind the art.
3. Are you having a good day?
4. I’ve never been here before… where would you recommend that I visit?  Eat?
5. To a store clerk or customer service agent when response time seems to be slow: “It seems to be especially busy today. That’s great.”  This may not open a big conversation but it demonstrates some empathy for the other person in spite of your own frustrations. And, I have often gotten interesting insight into their business challenges when I give someone an opportunity to know their situation is noticed.

Needless to say there is an endless list of conversation starters that can be found on line.  For me it starts with paying attention to the situation.. noticing the environment and the person with whom you’re interacting…and letting yourself wonder.

All artists start with a blank canvas, piece of paper or unformed piece of clay.  A conversation is similarly a blank canvas just waiting to be the foundation of something beautiful.

by Sarah Hiner

What is it about hearing the words “I love you” that weakens the knees and awakens the joy and happiness in you?   They’re magical words… and they are powerful words in that some people are devastated when they don’t hear them. But showing loves has many faces and sounds beyond these three simple words.  

There are many people who aren’t so verbal and simply aren’t comfortable speaking their love. That doesn’t mean they don’t still deeply feel and show their love. They just do it in different ways. You have to know what to look for. These “I love you’s” are hiding in plain sight but sadly go unrecognized, placing strains on relationships and causing internal strife.

I am a big fan of the Dr. Laura radio show. It is educational to me to hear the questions and problems suffered by people from all walks of life. One of the most common complaints is the one that goes, “If he loved me, he would…” or “If she loved me, she would….”

Spouses complain about the lack of attention from their partners…the expensive gifts they didn’t receive for that special occasion…the time-consuming and/or expensive hobbies their partners engage in…the lack of communication…the lack of romance. You know the drill.

Parents complain about not hearing from their adult children…youngsters who won’t follow the rules…who doesn’t show up for family events…the disrespect they feel from children of all ages…the lack of appreciation for all of their care and efforts, from time spent on sports sidelines to constant chauffeuring or creating special birthday celebrations.

Children of all ages have complaints, too.  Adult children complain about the excessive unsolicited opinions they get, including from grandparents who want to butt into how they raise the grandchildren. Teens complain about how their parents won’t allow them to attend events that other friends/peers will be going to.

In the end, everyone—no matter what age or status of life—is looking for love but, as the saying goes, they’re looking for love in all the wrong places. Or as Dorothy learned when she awoke from her trip to Oz, all that love was already right there in front of her.

My husband is not the most chatty human, and he does tell me that he loves me…but more than announcing it, he shows me he loves me in his unique ways. He turns on my seat heater when we get in the car on a cold morning…he makes sure our home is in working order, constantly fixing things but never looking for credit—just making sure our home is safe and comfortable…he bought Christmas lights to brighten up the wreaths that I insisted on hanging on the front deck of our house even though he wasn’t in love with this project. He doesn’t make pronouncements…he just quietly makes my dreams come true.

As Dr. Laura points out to the complaining callers, love is shown in many ways that don’t include a small velvet box or dozens of roses. They are simple acts that may go totally unnoticed on a daily basis unless you understand the nonverbal language of love.

Subtle acts of love can include…

• Starting a spouse’s car on a cold morning
• Asking how your day was and really being interested
• Keeping the shared spaces of the home tidy…respecting that you are not the only one who lives in the space
• Being available for your child
• One spouse working long hard hours to allow the other to stay home and raise the children
• Making favorite meals…stocking the fridge with favorite foods
• Attending events that are not their first choice but doing it anyway…and with a smile. This is true for parents, spouses and children of all ages.
• Reading the same book over and over again to a child because it’s his favorite
• Helping an elderly parent with her groceries, technology or any other household chore
• Listening to what a loved one has to say without interruption or judgement
• Rubbing your partner’s back or massaging his feet at the end of a long day.
• Recording her favorite movie when you saw it was playing on television
• A credit card buys that new X-Box, the sparkly jewelry or Nike’s latest collectible sneakers. That’s not love…that’s shopping. Similarly, people can say anything, but are their actions consistent with their words?

There is an endless list of small and large acts that show a family member’s love without them explicitly stating it. I’ve given some examples above to illustrate how they surround us. The love is out there, but it must be received…the signs must be recognized…and the perspective must be shifted to understand that these daily acts of respect and commitment are the true symbols of love.

I challenge you to open your eyes to the many messages of love that surround you. Take them in. Feel them deeply. And pass them along.

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by Sarah Hiner

Does this sound familiar?  Living burdened by things that you have to do rather than choosing to create a happy life?

“I have to do laundry.”

“I have to give a presentation at work.”

“I have to get the oil changed in my car.”

“I have to exercise.”

No, you don’t—you don’t have to do anything.

We all have a tendency to feel pressured to schedule our day with the things we think we “have to” do. Not only do we burden ourselves with our own tasks and obligations, we also spend a whole lot of energy tending to our kids, our friends, our parents and our spouses.

“I have to drive my father to the doctor.”

“I have to go to dinner with my friend.”

“I have to cook a dinner for my spouse each night.”

“I have to mow the lawn every week.”

“I have to plan my daughter’s birthday party.”

What an unhappy existence it is to constantly feel obliged to perform something for yourself or someone else. But what if you could free yourself from that burden?  What if you could live your life with a powerful positive attitude rather than one of obligation?

The answer comes in the simplest concept from one of my favorite authors, Louise Hay, in her book The Power Is Within You. I listen to this book in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. Hay has a very soothing voice, and her messages of self-understanding and empowerment are delightfully simple, accessible and freeing. So there I was at two or three or four in the morning recently, listening to Hay talk about the power of choosing to do something rather than feeling that you have to do it.

That message woke me up! And then it gave me this grand sense of calm.

According to Hay, feeling like we have to do something is rooted in our parents’ demands when we were young. We believed that unless we did things our parents requested, we wouldn’t be loved. Performance = Love. In our young minds, tending to things such as homework, cleaning our rooms, brushing our teeth and eating spinach was equated with acceptance and love. If we didn’t do those things, we did not receive the attention and love we craved. We became little beasts of burden, making sure that we completed our tasks “or else.” Our parents didn’t do anything wrong…and they didn’t ruin us by having behavioral expectations per se. It is just how a child’s mind processes parents’ requests.

Fast-forward to adulthood. Those children have grown up viewing the world through that same childish filter of having to do things to be accepted and loved, putting them in the role of victim trying to earn approval. If you feel like you have to do something, you are beholden to some external force and lack power over your own life. By choosing to do things, the control and power goes back to you.

The truth is, everything we do is by choice even though it may not seem so. Yes, you may have to go to work…but you choose to do that job to pay the rent and put food on the table. Choosing not to go to work would make life extremely unpleasant.

Choosing to exercise makes you feel better and healthier. Viewing it as an obligation makes it heavy. Choosing to do it puts you in charge of the process and the outcome.

Choosing to help an aging parent is a privilege that many who have lost their parents would love to “have to” do. Choosing to make your child’s dreams come true with a magical birthday party will create memories of a lifetime.

There’s another aspect to Hay’s advice—there’s the power of an act, and then there’s the language that we use to communicate something. For her, every word we say lives in our minds and our bodies as experience. In turn, our bodies react to those thoughts or words in a physical way. Think—or speak—a positive thought, and your body feels good. Think—or speak—a negative thought, and your body reacts negatively. If you pay close attention, you can feel how your body relaxes when you speak about happy things versus how it tightens when you are having an argument or are frustrated. This extends to all of our words…say something positive and your body relaxes, but say something negative or view things negatively and you tense up just as you do when you feel obligated to do something

By flipping the perspective and language to one of choice and personal power, it lightens you emotionally and strengthens you physically.

Every individual yearns for independence and control over their own lives…yet we each have put ourselves in emotional servitude to our obligations. Simply shifting the perspective of daily tasks and interactions from an obligation to a choice supercharges your power over your day and give you a happier life.

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by Sarah Hiner

Life Is a pendulum of emotions as we often experience nearly simultaneous joys and sorrows at any given moment on any given day. How can you feel safe and joyful when at any moment your world can come crashing down? We have come to live with fear and anxiety,  but the fear of impending dooms does not have to rob you of the joys of life.

Just recently I’ve experienced assorted several instances of the extreme highs and lows of life.

Within a few days’ time I had my last aunt die and a niece announce her pregnancy.

A week later a dear friend of the family and former coworker died while another dear friend and former co-worker started her new life in a new beautiful home that has taken years to attain.

Others receive serious health diagnoses on the heels of retirement.

People buy their dream house only to discover a problem with it that will cost more money and delay the enjoyment of their home.

Families are celebrating the engagement of a child or the birth of a grandchild and while facing financial challenges in the face of rising costs for pretty much everything.

Sometimes it just seems like a cruel joke that our highpoints get tarnished by the challenges. Why can’t we catch a break?  Why can’t we just be happy for a while?  Why does rain constantly have to fall on the parade?

Because that’s life.  Because part of life is experiencing the constant pendulum swing of the highs and lows.  Part of our lessons in life is learning how to navigate the ride physically and emotionally.

I’m not being Pollyanna-ish or sugar coating it when I say that there is indeed growth that comes from those horrible lows.. and in my experience, there are actually positive thoughts that can be found in many of them.

When this co-worker, “Naomi” died recently, I was very sad, but I was also inspired as I reflected on what a beautiful soul she was and how many people she touched with her magic throughout her life.  As a person of deep faith and a repeat-cancer survivor, “Naomi” taught us all good life lessons in grace, optimism and trust.

When my father died ten years ago, I actually sang (along with my sister) during my father’s eulogy sharing a song we had written and performed on his 80^th birthday several years earlier. Why would we sing it? Because the song so perfectly summed up the many lessons he taught us throughout his life, and because sharing those lessons helped heal the sadness of the loss.  Death of a loved one is devastating.  But, it is unhealthy to be stuck in the grief rather than working through the grieving process to bring the love and memories with you into your next chapter.

When my husband and I emptied our home to move west, it was a very sorrowful time for Ron.  He felt like we were ending a chapter by emptying the home where we had raised our children and shared so many happy moments.  We were tearing down that which we had spent nearly 30 years building while being confronted with the many projects he intended to do but never quite completed.  Looking into mortality?  A past gone by? Acknowledgement of dreams unfulfilled? Yes there’s sadness as you close a door, but happiness as you look at all you did accomplish and look toward your next chapter.   What’s the saying? When God closes a door, he opens a window?

An acquaintance, Hollye Jacobs, wrote a beautiful book entitled The Silver Lining: A Supportive and Insightful Guide to Breast Cancer after her breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 39.  She was a healthy young vibrant woman with a young child and adoring husband. Breast cancer was nowhere on the radar.  Yet after her diagnosis, she realized the many lessons she learned and could share with others facing similar challenges.  She’s gone on to become a Certified Resilience Coach helping others to face and overcome life’s challenges.

None of this is easy. In fact it’s really hard and painful and can be full of sadness. But it’s our journey. Fighting it won’t stop the pain or the journey. And living under the pall of impending doom will only make things worse.  So how do you grow from those painful experiences? How do you avoid the whiplash that comes with the constantly changing landscape?  A few ideas…

• Reflect on the lessons learned and wonderful moments from the person you have lost… What can you incorporate into your own life?
• Connect with others who are here. Seeing or talking to others who are close to you during times of loss reminds you of the other richness in your life.
• Connect with others (part 2).  Being with others fuels our Oxytocin, the hormone of human connection and the hormone that helps us not feel alone.
• Get into action. Lost your job? Update your resume and start searching for a new opportunity.  Bills piling up?  Where can you cut your spending.. or increase your income? (Yes, some of these actions may come with some effort or sacrifice but you will be working toward a better situation. )
• Control what you can control and let go of the rest. Worry is a mere waste of energy and creates release of the self-destructive hormone, cortisol.
• Shift your perspective. It sounds trite but viewing the glass as half full vs half empty really does help your physiologically and emotionally.  Rather than filter the world through a haze of impending doom focus on the opportunities ahead.

Remember…No matter what, no matter where, the pendulum does swing back as it seeks equilibrium.  And one secret of happiness is trusting that law of physics while choosing how you want to experience the journey.

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