SAY NO TO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. PRACTICE RESPONSIBLE LOVE.

Unconditional love has been touted as the ultimate love. That if you truly love someone, be it a spouse, child, friend or family member, then that love should be unconditional.  No limitations. No conditions.

 I say hogwash. We have a generation and a half of  young people  who are emotionally vulnerable and unable to handle basic responsibilities and who have become that way in the name of unconditional love from parents who don’t want their children to feel or experience pain, be it physical or emotional. 

Here’s what I recommend as a more effective and healthier option:  “Responsible love.”

What is responsible love? Loving someone in a way that puts their highest and best outcome at the forefront.  Being responsible to help them be their best selves, which sometimes means making some tough choices and saying or doing things that may be disappointing in the short run but will lead to success long run. Being responsible means loving them enough to say no to things that will not help them be their best, and refusing to say “yes”  just because you don’t feel like having a fight.

Here’s an example that I see all the time among the parents of kids that I tutor.  The kids are behind in school, either grades that are below expectation or, homework and classwork that is not being turned in, such that no credit is received for the work and the child has not learned what they need to in order to even pass a test.  However, in spite of this performance, the children have no consequences for their failures.  Parents and teachers (and tutors) bend over backwards getting extensions for deadlines and changing the assignment to allow the bare minimum of completion for credit. 

Seems loving right?  It’s not. The child is not developing basic life skills of personal responsibility and accountability nor are they learning the lessons of their classes.  They are allowed to still play their sports, ride their horse, go to dance class, or hang out with their friends.  I’ve watched these “loving” parents allow their kids to miss school in order to attend a special event.  Why? Because, in the name of love, the parents want to support their children’s dreams and give them magical memories. Well, in the name of loving their children they are ruining their chances at a successful adulthood.

The biggest irony of all of this unconditional love is that the children are left with low motivation, low self-esteem and a lack of gumption with which to face challenges in life.

In contrast, responsible love respects the power and strength and abilities of an individual. It inspires loved ones to be their best in the name of their own self-worth and it allows them to make their choices and live in their consequences, without being bailed out.  

To be a responsibly loving parent…

• Enforce house rules for young children: bedtimes, television times, toy clean up, etc. This will help them learn to regulate their whims and understand there are rules that must be followed in life and it feels good to follow them. It always fascinated my husband and me how our kids never argued about wearing a seatbelt because it was absolutely enforced 100%, but would try and negotiate helmets when riding bicycles in the driveway because their friends didn’t necessarily wear helmets.
• Allow children age-appropriate choices. For example, for young children, allow them to choose clothes to wear each day, which vegetable they want for dinner, what they want for breakfast with assorted healthy options, which book to read at bedtime, how many books to read at bedtime, etc. For older children, allow them to make guided decisions on bed time, after school activities that they want to do and/or no longer want to do, what time they accomplish their chores and what clothes they want to wear, assuming they are within the dress code of school or a special event.  Giving children the power of choice gives them the chance to feel in control while developing the skills of making good choices and experiencing the consequences of bad ones.
• Encourage teenagers to have some kind of part time job after school and/or weekends to give them financial education and responsibility.
• Say “no” when you know it’s wrong: boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers, underage drinking (don’t fall prey to the idea of having your kids drink in your house then out on the streets somewhere), unfettered social media, attending events that will put them in a risky situation…
• Don’t cover for them. If they forgot their homework, soccer cleats, warm jacket, musical instrument, lunch, dance shoes… don’t bring it to them. Next time they will remember. I used to tell my kids what the temperature was outside and then left it to them to decide what coat, if any, they wanted.  If they didn’t bring a coat and they were cold, next time they’d make a different choice.  

To be a responsibly loving spouse/partner…

• Communicate needs and desires clearly, rather than stuffing them inside and then being passive aggressive about where you’re not satisfied.
• Support your partner in their individual efforts to grow and pursue their unique interests. My husband and I do many things together… we also pursue individual interests.  We each feel fulfilled and we are able to share our experiences with each other so we both learn and grow.
• Don’t enable dangerous behavior. If your partner has an issue with substance abuse be careful not to enable their addiction because you can’t make them stop. Don’t  purchasing alcohol for them, eat at a bar, or make excuses when he/she gets intoxicated at a party.  If your spouse’s driving makes you uncomfortable choose not to drive with them.   Don’t allow cigarette smoking in the house – 2^nd hand smoke is extremely dangerous too.
• Make healthy choices with regard to food and exercise for yourself and model it for your partner. You can’t be their mother/father.
• Be a partner not a parent.

I have been to a number weddings this year and in almost every case the bride and groom promised to help their partner be their best self. They didn’t promise to love them unconditionally, let alone to obey them. Rather they promised to support them in their pursuits of excellence and to hold them accountable when they didn’t live up to the standards that they want for themselves. These couples are true partners on every level.  To me, responsible love is deepest and purest of all.  Don’t we all want people in our lives who help us be our best selves?