STOP REPORTING TO YOUR PARENTS

 Here’s something to consider.  As grown-up as you are, you may still be ruled by your parents. Hearing their admonishments in your ears. Living their criticisms. Fearful of them “catching you” breaking a rule or not doing your chores.

I thought I was a totally independent, successful, free adult, and yet I recently realized that even with all of my strength and independence, my father was still extremely present in my day to day life…thirteen years after he passed away!

Yes, there is much good to having your parents’ lessons incorporated into your own values and behavior.  And, after they have passed away, it is through us living those values that their legacy lives on.   But, what if those lessons get a little too loud?  What if instead of simply displaying those opinions and behaviors, deep inside we continue to live as though we are still seeking their approval, fearful of getting caught not doing our homework… or being mean to our siblings… or slacking off when we should be doing our best?  

Ideally, we evaluate the values we are taught as children, incorporating some of them into our own value system and potentially rejecting others if they don’t fit with the goals and vision we have created for our adult life. But, sometimes even the values we choose to maintain are still attached to the parent-child relationship rather than existing as an independent choice we have made as adults. We live those values, but deep inside it is the voice of our parents that motivates us to act.

The lessons I’ve been living aren’t bad ones.  They’re actually quite good.  Be productive. Be your best.  Never give up. Contribute to society.  All great qualities… until I realized that those qualities are running me rather than simply being part of me. Somewhere along the way they became a “religion” if you will.  If I wasn’t driven to be my best or to make sure I was productive and contributing to society each day, then I felt like I had failed and someone would catch me being inadequate. Deep inside, I was still fearful of disappointing my father. But he’s dead!!! Yes.  But, I loved and respected my dad and am realizing that while I took his lessons in deeply, I may have done it too deeply and neglected to fully let myself choose my own path vs continuing on the path of “good daughter.”   

 It’s not such a surprise that I integrated dad’s lessons so deeply into myself.  First of all, they were good lessons. But, also, my relationship with my dad was unique in that while he was my father for 53 years at the time of his passing, he was my boss on and off from the time I was 12 years old.  So, I got a double whammy of both messaging and motivation. 

While the power of the messaging from my dad may have been somewhat unique, I know from my interactions with hundreds of people that I’m not alone in maintaining this deep parental connection.  It’s both beautiful and self-destructive at the same time.  I watch people’s attachment to approval and connection from parents who are still living, and I watch their drive to live out the legacy for the parents who have passed. All this is great, as long as you are consciously choosing it as an independent adult, allowing yourself the freedom to live those behaviors in your own way.  For me, I thought I was doing it by choice, but my deep seated fear of disappointing my dad and my drive to be the amazing person I was “supposed to be” was stuffed into my body, creating aches and pains in my joints and muscles.

 UNMASKING THE PROBLEM

So if I have seen this in so many, why didn’t I see it in myself?  I did…kinda.  Sometimes it takes time to put the breadcrumbs together. And sometimes, you might know something isn’t quite right but you don’t fully acknowleddge it until you are ready to address it.  Such was the case with me.

I’ll share my story so that you can be open to finding your own.  I apologize.. it's a little long.  Here are my puzzle pieces.

Living out my parents’ lessons with pride: As I said above, I learned some great lessons from my Dad and was very proud of my push for productivity and excellence.  I joked with people about how I couldn’t just lay on the couch and watch movies on a weekend afternoon because I’d imagine my dad coming in and suggesting that I do something “productive.”  I prided myself on always being extremely prepared for interviews with experts and meetings of any kind. Even with my current work in children’s education, whenever possible, I make sure to read the book or review a subject for a class where I will be substitute teaching or for a child I am tutoring.  While I never said it to my family, I even secretly wanted my daughters and spouse to be “superstars” so that they would be as amazing as the many remarkable people my father surrounded himself with on a daily basis.

Mystery aches and pains:   I eat an anti-inflammatory diet. I exercise a lot (too much?) and have let go of worry and anger. I don’t take on other people’s problems. I follow all of my own advice from my Awakening Happiness program and yet I couldn’t find on-going release for my tight hips (aggravated by a labral tear) and lower back. I went to assorted body work practitioners.  Nothing structural beyond the labral tear has ever been found, nor have any medical tests demonstrated some underlying health issue… therefore…

… it had to be my body talking to my deep buried emotions and thoughts that I wasn’t consciously acknowledging.

UNLOCKING MY PUZZLE

I see an incredible physical therapist who has helped me adjust and balance my body to keep it in the best alignment it’s been in in years.  She’s also energetically very sensitive. Last week, during a session, we talked about the connections between where and how I held my tightness to the way my brain and buried emotions were running my life. 

There are assorted healing modalities that connect different physical ailments to specific emotional challenges.  Chakras… Acupuncture meridians… Traditional Chinese medicine organ systems… and even Louise Hay and her book Heal Your Body.  As we talked about the tightness in my body, and the emotional drivers of my life, I finally was in the right moment of my life to see where and how those deep seated emotions have been buried in my body and effecting me physically and emotionally…how every day I was reinforcing the tightness throughout my body with my irrational need to be my best.  Even as I write this, I am reminded of my father’s mantra: 

“Good, better, best, never let it rest…until the good is better and the better is best.”

It’s exhausting isn’t it?

 Well…. It’s time to let it rest.  Not to stop being the best person I can be. Not to stop striving for excellence, nor to stop being a great citizen of humanity. Time to do it for me and to give a rest to doing it out of a childish attachment that should have been released many, many, many years ago.

I know this has been a long, unusually self-indulgent exploration. Thank you for hanging with me on it. My hope is that through my story and confession that you will consider looking into your body and soul to see if you, too, have suffered in your quest to be an uber-obedient child still hearing your parents admonitions and wishing to achieve the goals set out by them.  It's time to free yourself. 

 Questions? Comments? Want to talk about it?  Email me at [email protected]