IT’S WEDDING SEASON. HOW TO BE A BETTER GUEST OR HOST

by Sarah Hiner

I’m on cloud nine, after spending the weekend hosting our younger daughter’s wedding out of state from where we live. The weather was perfect, and our daughter, new son-in-law and the wedding planner did an amazing job of selecting a wonderful venue, delicious caterer, beautiful flowers, fun music and great photographers/videographers to document the weekend. Most weddings have those. It’s the other pieces of the planning that created the magic that had people leaving with an overflowing tank of oxytocin (the hormone of connection) and a phone filled with the numbers of new friends and family. 

What were those touches? I’m glad you asked…

Many Places to Meet and Greet - Whether it’s a destination wedding or local, there are ways to create assorted touch points where guests can meet and greet. Weddings are no longer simply four hours of sit... watch… drink… shout (over the band)… dance... go home. They’re now a weekend of connection and interaction. A welcome reception the first night helps guests begin to interact. The welcome doesn’t have to be expensive... my daughter served ice cream sandwiches and charcuterie cups. Friends of ours had a pizza truck. Simple fare.  

A hotel room block allows people in attendance to bump into each other and join each other for a cup of coffee. Charter buses to the wedding venue create bus-buddies. Post wedding brunch brings closure to the weekend. Lawn games like cornhole at the welcome party or during wedding cocktails provide a way to interact without being a conversationalist. We had archery at our older daughter’s wedding! 

Local events or attractions during the weekend create other places where guests can interact and share a moment of connection. Our hotel was right in the center of La Jolla CA, and across the street from the beach cliff walks - our guests went on a lot of walks together and loved watching the seals congregate on the beach. A friend’s upcoming wedding in Louisville will include a bourbon tasting and a tour of Louisville Slugger Field. How fun! 

As a guest, set a goal: to meet at least one new person at each event. Don’t know how to start it off? Look for another individual or couple who looks like they are wondering who to talk to. Easiest opener ever… “What is your connection to the bride/groom?” Next easiest question: “When you’re not attending weddings, what do you do?”

Make Introductions - As a host, we made a specific effort to introduce people who we knew had something in common. Sometimes it was from individuals on our side who didn’t know each other, and others it was “across the aisle.” A cousin who travels each year to Crete and a friend who is planning a trip there. Nephews from both families who were software engineers and other offspring who were both singers songwriters. Car enthusiasts. People who went to/are going to the same college. Spend a little time reviewing the list before hand and thinking about what connections can be made. 

One other note on making connections. Don’t be afraid to mix up your tables. Yes, distant cousins want to sit together since weddings are a rare occasion for families to come together. But, that doesn’t mean that assorted friend groups can’t be mixed and matched nor that a “stray” couple can’t be placed with those from the other side. 

Invite Loners to Join You  - If possible, get everyone into the same hotel so that they see each other and start to see familiar faces. If you’re with a group, be open to inviting “strays” or other couples/groups along with you to lunch or for a tour of the local botanical gardens.  

We are extremely blessed to have several friends and family members who naturally bring others under their wings so no one feels awkward or left out. My friends Amy and Penny and my sister Margie are art forms at this. I love watching them in action. 

You can ask your most outgoing friends to be on the lookout for people who look a little lost. And, again, as a guest, don’t be afraid to invite yourself along with others - there is no safer and more welcoming space than a wedding, which, by definition, is about bringing strangers together.

You set the tone - my reminder to each of my daughters (and their husbands) before their weddings: you set the tone. If you want people on the dance floor be on the dance floor. If you want people having fun and joy, be joyful. If you are stressed your guests will see it and feel it. Put all of the strains and stresses of the planning process behind you. Set your vision for the weekend and keep your mood and focus on that.  

Something will inevitably go wrong. This past weekend, we had several last minute cancellations of guests.  Disappointed not to have them, but we shifted tables and moved along. On the day of, the potatoes may not be cooked as expected, some guest who may have a little too much to drink, or there may be a little drizzle on what was supposed to be a sunny day. Ride with it. Let others handle it. Put a smile on your face. Adjust for it. Just don’t let it throw off your mood or celebration. 

As I stood for a moment during the wedding and then the farewell brunch, I looked at the people interacting on the dance floor and the breakfast tables and my heart was so warmed to see the shuffling of the cards in my life. Over the years my college friends have mixed with my neighborhood friends and family. But now, that circle expanded even further, as college friends spoke enthusiastically to my nieces and nephews. My older daughter’s in-laws were dancing with my sister and brother-in-law. My nieces and nephews were big-hugging with the cousins of the groom. My husband loving talking to the assorted groomsmen. 

And the true personification of the success of the weekend’s blending of family and friends… my daughter’s new mother-in-law and I wore the same outfit to the farewell brunch! While I often say that there are no coincidences, I will still say that this was a very happy and fun one.

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