CALM YOURSELF OF ANTICIPATORY ANXIETY

Has your car ever gotten stuck in the snow or mud and you weren’t sure that you could get out?  You spin your wheels. You rock the car forward and backward. Your mind races and then, as fear rises, you review all of the worst case scenarios, trying desperately to avoid full-on panic.

I’ve gotten stuck in the snow multiple times.  The world stops as I try - and fail - to break free.  When I calm down, set my fear aside and simply focus on the task at hand I’ve always been able to free myself. Like with quick-sand, the more you flail the more you fail… but calm focus and simple actions = success.

Right now we seem to have a lot of people flailing and failing.

It’s not that they’re drowning. They simply feel stuck, knowing that their lives aren’t where they want them to be. They’re frustrated.. they’re sad… they’re angry … they’re resentful and they don’t know what to do.

So, let’s fix that. Here’s how to get unstuck in three steps:
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 1. Let go of Victim Mentality –  The biggest hurdle to getting unstuck is to realize that you really do have the power and ability to make a change. Your stuckness is not “their” fault.

I can’t tell you how many people I have coached through the years who earnestly say that they want to change their life and then have a laundry list of the reasons why they can’t make a change:

• The timing is wrong
• It will be inconvenient
• It’s not really SO bad that I need to make a change
• They have other obligations so can’t prioritize focusing on themselves
• They don’t really think they are capable of achieving their dream
• They don’t have the money right now

The list of excuses is endless, but underneath the excuses is a combination of fear and victimhood. Increasingly we are in a world where people assume others are both the cause of their problems and the gateway to the solution.  They blame everyone/everything else for their stuck-ness – their spouse, their kids, their boss, the weather, the news, the home owners association… finding it easier to complain than to make a change.  The truth is, choosing to change is entirely up to you.

And, yes, there are some people in very dire circumstances which require some extreme action or decisions. But for the other 99% of us, the first step to getting un-stuck and onto a new pathway is simple acknowledgment that your life is up to you.
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2. Where/how do you feel stuck? Given the chance, do you know what it is that you want to change? You can’t change things if you don’t know what needs to change, and generically saying that “everything is miserable” does not help. Make a specific list of where you feel stuck and why you feel that way. For example…

• You can’t change jobs because you have golden handcuffs and a new job will require a pay cut.
• You can’t change jobs because your current job’s hybrid work environment fits with your lifestyle and you wouldn’t want to have to go to the office every day.
• Your marriage is “fine” – it doesn’t make you happy but you’re not miserable enough to leave.
• You would like to lose weight but you can’t imagine life without desert.
• You know your house/basement/garage is a mess and should be cleaned up and organized, but every time you start you just get overwhelmed.

What does your list look like?
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3. Overcome your excuses. “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

You now know what’s bugging you and you know that you have the power to change things. Now you need to take that first step.  If you think you can’t overcome your excuses, ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if they came to you with the same list of problems and excuses?  Looking at your list as an outsider can clear the way to taking that first step.

Choose where you want to start.  Of all of the items on your list, which do you want to tackle first?  

Once you’ve decided which area of your life to address first, you’ll need a plan to reach your goal. It doesn’t have to be fully extensive in order to get started. You just need enough of an outline to know where to start and the general direction you want to head in.  For example you might start with…

a. Research a new job.

b. Find a place to go on a romantic getaway with your spouse.

c. Choose to eat one more vegetable a day.

d. Choose not to have a drink with dinner tonight.

e. Put a monthly reminder into your calendar so you can pay your bills on time.

f.  Check home prices in the town you want to live in  
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After you take that first step, action and results will help fuel you to take the next and the next and the next. With each step you will enjoy the good feelings of action and your outline will guide along the path adding more detail as appropriate.  As an added bonus, you will be fueling your Dopamine factory. With each goal set and accomplished, your body will produce this feel good hormone which will help keep you going.

As with the car in the snow, getting unstuck is a fine balance of commitment to change, acting with conviction and maintaining composure. Trust yourself.

You’ve got this.

There’s worry. There’s anxiety. And there’s anticipatory anxiety, where worry meets anxiety and can become a roadblock to your fully enjoying life.

The concept of anticipatory anxiety came up in a phone call with a friend last week, who is dealing with unpleasant effects of Parkinson’s Disease.  She is having a hard time getting a good night’s sleep due to the constant agitation of her body, in particular its manifestation as Restless Leg Syndrome in the middle of the night. Where does the anticipatory anxiety come in?  At the surface, she anticipates – or worries - every night that she won’t get a good night’s sleep due to the agitation.  But then there is another level of angst that she is dealing with – she is supposed to go on a trip with some friends, and is worried that her disrupted sleep will inhibit her ability to enjoy and participate fully in the trip. She’s tempted to cancel the trip, but that would lead to another level of stress and anxiety as she loses connection with friends and becomes increasingly socially isolated for fear of having a problem.

Anticipatory anxiety is not a Parkinson’s issue. It can be purely mental/emotionally based or can be motivated by all sorts of physical ailments like irritable bowel syndrome (I don’t want to participate in case I have a need for a bathroom), migraines,  assorted pain-related conditions or basic panic disorder (what if I have a panic attack?). I actually dealt with it many years ago when I was having panic attacks and worried every evening before my drive home from work that I might have another attack like the first one that started my panic cycle.

What is Anticipatory Anxiety? It’s when you worry that something may happen.. and then you get anxious about it happening… and then you actually are experiencing an anxiety attack or even a full blown panic attack with your heart pounding and your head spinning all because you feared something might happen. The vital thing to understand, however, is that Anticipatory Anxiety is not a physical ailment, it is your busy, worrying brain overtaking your calm rational one.  You made it up.

Anticipatory anxiety creates its own problem with its made up what if’s… and then makes it worse by preventing you from participating in life’s activities for fear of your having a problem. Lack of participation creates sadness and potentially depression as well as social isolation if you stop engaging with your friends and family as you were in the past. It’s a downhill battle.

HOW TO SHUT IT DOWN            

In addition to general self-soothing techniques, there are several  specific strategies that you can use to talk yourself out of your anticipation…

1.  What’s the worst thing that can happen?  When worrying we tend to catastrophize… taking a relative small worry and turning it into a grand danger or failure. What if I can’t sleep at all on the trip? What if I have to go to the bathroom and we are stuck in a traffic jam? What if I get sick while away? What if I have a panic attack while driving?

Rather than getting caught up in the irrational emotionality of these what-if scenarios, look at the worst case scenarios rationally. If that happened, could you make it through? Have you overcome similar challenges before? Think about (or write about) these worst case scenarios and how you would overcome them. How often does the worst case really happen? This process will help you release the angst and realize you have made it through in the past and can do it again. Remember, you have more control over the situation than you realize.

 With my friend who is thinking of cancelling her trip for fear of not sleeping, we talked about what if her fears came true and she didn’t sleep for two nights.  Could she push through a couple of days with limited sleep and would that be worth the trade-off of not being with friends? She realized that she could indeed survive a couple of days with limited sleep.

Face the biggest fear. Understand what it is. Know that you can survive it, and you can go through it.

2. Have you succeeded in the past?  Just because something happened before doesn’t mean it will happen every time.  Think about past similar experiences and whether you have fallen victim to your fears or if, in fact, you have succeeded.  

When I was working through my fear of having a panic attack while driving home, I would constantly remind myself that I had made it home successfully before and that it was just one time that had started it all.   As additional support, I would bring a cup of soothing warm tea with me in the car, listen to my favorite music, or talk to friends on the phone (hands-free of course).

 Know that you can do this – not because you’re psyching yourself up for it, but because you have done it before.

3. Avoid the law of attraction.  The law of attraction says that what we focus on and think about tends to be what comes true. This is true in all areas of life.  Where you put your focus is what gets accomplished. But also, when you focus on fears and negative outcomes – even if subconsciously -  those also tend to come true, especially when we are talking about your body’s anxious reactions. Rather than focus on the disaster scenario, think about a success scenario or perhaps something entirely different. Imagine yourself having successfully accomplished what ever it was you were avoiding, experiencing the relief that your fears didn’t come true and the increased sense of confidence as a result. 

4.  Self Soothe with the Havening touch technique – Havening is a gentle and easy self-care practice that combines gentle touch with pleasant thoughts. It helps rewire the brain allowing you to change thoughts and moods that might otherwise interfere with your day.  I wrote about Havening in detail in a prior blog. You can also get a taste of Havening from my friend Hillary Russo at her monthly Havening Happy Hour.

Most people went to the Birds of Prey World Cup Men’s Ski Race at BeaverCreek, CO to watch incredible skiing. I spent eight hours/day for three days in a row standing outside on that cold, snowy mountain as one of over 800 volunteers helping to support the event.  

Of course the skiing was incredible. Even better were the behind the scenes experiences. I thought I’d share…

 Pure joy and gratitude of winning – Sure they’re professional athletes, but they’re also human.  Brazilian Lucas Braathen (Age 24)won silver in the Giant Slalom, missing the win by 12/100’s of a second to Swiss Skier Thomas Tumler.  You’ve never seen a happier loser, as Braathen earned Brazil’s first ever World Cup podium. The crowd saw Lucas dance at the race finish, and spray champagne on the podium. But, I was in the nearly empty building checking credentials for people to head toward the team area, when he and his coach came in to gather his belongings after his many interviews outside. The pure joy and amazement when no one was watching was infectious as he danced down the stairs and declared how incredibly excited he was to win… especially because he loves the Birds of Prey course.  It always feels good to see someone win and be happy, but there was something deeper about the purity of his enthusiasm at having accomplished something that was so big for both him and his country.

 Own Your Errors – Local hero and 13th ranked male skier in the world , River Radamus, placed 10^th(out of 60) after his first run in the Giant Slalom. He grew up in the town where the race was held, so it was no surprise that there were throngs of young people clamoring for this autograph and a picture.  Many of these kids were also skiers and world cup hopefuls, so they asked River his thoughts on his first run.  Rather than pass off their questions, River gave an honest and respectful answer:  “I was a little too careful and should have pushed harder.”  Not only did he own that it was all on him for being further from the front than he wanted, he didn’t dismiss questions from “kids”but instead answered them honestly, helping them learn and demonstrating what it is to take responsibility.

Role model – River Radamus demonstrated his skiing talent on the race course, but he showed himself to be a role model off the race course.  He had all the time in the world to be sure every fan got their autographs and pictures, and he assured everyone that he would remain until the last person. He was patient and respectful in interacting with every fan. His simple straightforward answer regarding his disappointing first run also showed fans that it’s ok to make a mistake or not to win. Kids are so afraid of failing.  River didn’t fail in his first run… and had an amazing second run… but he didn’t hit his goal and he wasn’t afraid to admit that. What a huge lesson for the young people.

No sore losers – There were many disappointments throughout the weekend, including when one of the top ranked skiers, Marco Odermatt from Switzerland, missed a gate in Giant Slalom and didn’t complete the race. Frustrated? Yes. Disappointed?  Of course. But there were no temper tantrums or displays of poor sportsmanship. Odermatt was not the only skier to exit early from a race. There were many.  And all perfect gentlemen about it, managing their own emotions while also supporting both their teammates and their competitors.

 Positive leadership – Hosting this event was a massive undertaking, with over 800 people volunteering on and off the race course.  I didn’t see the months of effort that went into the final event, only the on-the-spot positive leadership.  From the kick-off volunteer party and distribution of custom uniforms, to the 6:00am breakfast each day for hundreds of bleary eyed people, the volunteer coordinators led with enthusiasm and positive messaging. They created rapid connections among strangers with team breakfasts and photos each day.  No matter how exhausted the leaders were, they displayed energy and positivity throughout the weekend as they made sure each volunteer subgroup was on task, ensuring that we all were respectful of media and racers. Volunteering can be a thankless job, but the team leads were nothing but grateful for all involved.  

Stay humble.  One of my assignments during the weekend was to check credentials for the skiers/coaches and the media to be sure that no one inappropriate entered the restricted areas.  The only snark I got all day when I asked to see credentials was from the  television producer and the on-air talent who didn't have their tags and were indignant that I didn’t recognize them. Arrogance – no humility. The racers and their coaches, however, were perfectly happy showing me their cards all day long even though they were dressed in their racing uniforms and parkas.  Even home town hero River was happily unzipping his jacket to show me his tags in order to get in for lunch, but he was so recognizable I did not force him to undress.  The athletes and their coaches were not only humble, they were grateful that we were following the rules to protect their privacy and safety.

 It’s ok to say “No” – At one point I was monitoring the ADA platform, where people in wheelchairs could view the race. The rule:  One escort could be on a viewing stand with each handicapped person.  As painful as it was to turn some family members away, they understood the space limitations and accepted it. One grandma had her three grandchildren take turns to join her on the stand. What a great lesson for the kids to understand that sometimes the answer is “no” and sometimes you have wait for your turn.

Follow your own rules - I could have gotten some amazing photos of the athletes both at the race course, and when they were relaxing at lunch. But volunteers were told “no photos of athletes” since anything posted would have taken away from those which were paid for by the media, and of course we didn't want to impose on the racers' privacy. It would have been nice to have some great photos to share int his post or for my scrap book… but it’s better to have a clean conscience and know that I respected both the athletes and the media.

Gratitude moment:  to my dear friend and trainer, Stacey, for inspiring today’s blog with her suggestion during our ZOOM strength training class that we should write down what our accomplishments were this year.

Everyone talks about goal setting, including my constant exhortations of it in my 21 Day Awakening Happiness Course.  I talk about the importance and benefits of both daily goal setting as well as the bigger picture life changing goals. And, while I love tracking my daily accomplishments, and the associated dopamine hit that comes along with every item I cross off my list, it has never occurred to me to do a year-end review.  Wow… the most obvious concept sitting right in front of my face!

So what have I accomplished? It’s funny.. when I put myself on the spot to think about all the big things I’ve done, my mind goes blank. (Does your brain do that too when asked a big question?) But then I sat with it for a few minutes…and wow… so many things I had forgotten about, both big and small.  

Needless to say that reviewing your accomplishments is great for building confidence and self-esteem. It’s easy to forget what we did on a day to day basis, let alone through the year, which can leave you feeling empty. Filling in the blanks by realizing who you touched and what you did reinforces the connections you have with your community, your family and the broader world.  

What did I accomplish? At first blush, the things  I deal with every day came up for me:

1.       Supporting my 92 year old mom’s health care in assorted ways

2.       Hosted a beautiful wedding for our younger daughter

3.       Putting my fitness as a top priority – exercising six days/week

4.       Making an impact on the kids that I tutor

But then, there are the far more subtle accomplishments that make me proud and happy. Some are big and some might easily be overlooked as “nothing” but they really are steps that moved my life forward.

1.       Meeting new people and making new friends as I work to become part of the new community that I moved to two years ago.

          a.       Met people through playing pickleball in assorted different venues (and                     learned to play pickleball)

          b.       Met people through a network of photographers my husband is creating

          c.       Met people through volunteering to participate in community events

          d.       Joined a neighborhood book club (thanks to a woman I met through                     pickleball)

2.       A 6^th grade boy who I tutor who hates school and school work is finally turning a corner to be more responsible and actually care about getting his work done.

3.       The mother of another child who I tutor is finally seeing where her loving kindness to her son was harming her son's confidence. She is learning to treat him as the competent young man that he is. I have been coaching this mom for well over a year on not indulging his childishness.

4.       Saying “yes” to things that are outside of my comfort zone, including a weekend camping trip with some women who I’ve never met before.  Both the camping and the spending a weekend with strangers are “uncomfortable” for me. Learning how to be uncomfortable is an important skill for everyone…that’s a blog for another day.

5.       Hanging pretty holiday lights on our deck. We are the first house people see in the neighborhood, so it is nice to give people a festive welcome.

What would your Year in Review look like?  Don’t know where to start?   Just get out your phone’s notes app or a piece of paper and put a title at the top… then let the question percolate in the back of your mind.  Don’t sit and force the memories out. They’ll never come. You may not think of things right off the bat, but give it time.  Be careful not to just go for big accomplishments. Look at the smaller wins.. the pieces of the big picture ones. Each of those little daily wins adds to the soup.  

Can’t think of what you did? Here are some prompts for you:

·     Did you help a friend?

·     Finish a project?

·     Learn a new skill?

·     Stick with a new habit? Create a new habit?  Could be as simple as increasing the amount of water you drink/day (which is REALLY important).

·     Go for a walk each day?

For next year, start your list in January or consider creating an “I Did It” jar so you won’t draw a blank when you reflect on accomplishments next December. Each day put a slip of paper in the jar with something that you’ve accomplished that day that makes you feel good. You can do more than one a day, but put each on a different slip of paper.  At the end of the year you can read through them savoring each pride-filled moment.

“When you pay attention to boredom it gets unbelievably interesting.” (Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor emeritus of medicine, focused on bringing mindfulness into the mainstream of society.) While there can often be a tedium to day to day life, there are also gems of accomplishment each day.   Be proud of them all.

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To appropriate Charles Dickens, the holidays are “the best of times and the worst of times.”  There’s nothing better than beautiful decorations and twinkling lights…having your family reunited, even If only for a day. The fun of gift giving and gift getting. For those of Christian faith there is the commemoration of the miracle of Jesus’ birth and for the Jews, commemorating the miracle after the destruction of the temple.  On the other hand, there is the pressure to buy, wrap and send gifts…to decorate the house.. to create, write and mail holiday greeting cards.. crowded travel and weather related delays.  It’s wonderful… and stressful.

I thought I’d help with 21 ways to ease your holiday stress.

Why 21?  Because that’s the magic number for how long it takes to be able to create new habits (hence my 21 Day AwakeningHappiness Program). Below are 21 different ideas, which will hopefully get you into the habit of self-care and creating ease even when the pressure is on.

1.    Start early – make a list of what you need to do and buy so you can see your whole playing field.  Things are always more manageable when you have the full picture.

2.    Cut it back – Now that you have your list, where can you cut back?  I love a large festive pile of wrapped boxes as much as anyone, but how many items does anyone really need?  Can you cut one item out for each family member? Simplify the stocking stuffers? And, for the special holiday dinner, can you live with only one starch side dish and desert rather than potatoes and pasta plus pie, cake and cookies?

3.    Daily reminder of the joyful aspect of theholidays.  What do you love the most about the holidays?  Spend a few minutes each morning reflecting on that:  the beautiful light shows… family around the dinner table…the family tradition of playing charades… children’s laughter and enjoyment of being with their cousins…opening gifts… matching pajamas.. whatever it is, think about those moments to put you in the holiday mood.

4.    Sweets are a treat  - It seems that baked goods and candy are even more prevalent at Christmas-time than for Halloween or Easter!  Enjoy it, but watch your intake. A little is good (especially really good dark chocolate) but too much will feel bad today, tomorrow and when your clothes don’t fit the same after the holidays.

5.    Consider a charitable donation Instead -  For the people on my list who thankfully don’t need anything I’ve made charitable donations instead.  I’ve done this for my mom and mothers-in-law for the last several years, rather than buying them something they don’t need or won’t use.

6.    Schedule your tasks…create a schedule for all of your tasks, starting early so you don’t get stuck in a last minute crunch.  And if you’re afraid your cards will be late, it’s ok.   Friends and family will be happy to hear from you any time.

7.    Say yes to that holiday open house even if you think you’re too busy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve not felt like doing something or going someplace… and then had a great time. In fact, that’s how I met my husband – going to a party that I didn’t feel like going to.  Who knows what magic is in store foryou this holiday season.

8.    Light a candle with scents of the season. Our sense of smell is our most powerful sense…Let the aroma of pine trees or apple pie take you to a happy place.

9.    Be quiet. Turn off the television, music, movies, podcasts.. and just be in silence as you do whatever else you’re doing.Our brains get overwhelmed with noise. Silence allows a re-set.

10.  Eatreal food.  Sweets and treats of the season are tempting, but they won’t help your patience or energy. Protein packed meals with veggies and complex carbs will be far better fuel.

11.  SleepIn for 30 minutes when you can,  I love lolly gagging In bed on  weekends since I’m usually up by 6:00 during the week. Even five or ten minutes can feel like a huge vacation.

12.  Give yourself a foot-massage – Massage helps you mentally and physically, including release of feel good pain killing endorphins.  You can’t massage your whole body, but you can massage your feet, which in Eastern medicine are directly connected to all areas of your body. Use rich moisturizing lotion to slowly massage all areas of your foot – toes, balls, arches, tops, heals, ankles.. or you can roll yourfoot on a tennis or lacrosse ball, placing light but firm pressure on the ball while you roll it.  

13.  Lower your expectations. We all have fantasies of that perfect Hallmark Holiday and then get disappointed that the gravy is lumpy or the kids started fighting with each other.  Expect the imperfections as part of the color of the day and you won’t be disappointed or frustrated.

14.  Call an old friend – holidays are for connecting with loved ones, even those who are far away. Talking to special or life-long friends can help you feel grounded and connected – even when you don’t see them often, the heart connection is always there and can perk you right up.

15.  Practice Endless Patience  - It’s easy to be impatient in the midst of the holiday crowds and rush. So it’s more important than ever to be patient with those around you who are dealing with their own overwhelm. The more patient you are, the more you can help others stay calm and enjoy the season.

16.  Keep up with your exercise. As tempting as it is to say you’re too tired or too busy, exercise will keep your energy up and clear your head of stressors. Bonus: you won’t be as effected by the sweet treats of the season if you keep yourself active.

17.  Ask for a hug – Just because the going is tough, doesn’t mean you have to be. It’s ok to ask for a hug from a loved one to help calm you. They’re magical. In fact, you don’t have to wait to be in a state of stress.  Do what I do… start and end your day with a hug.. and get some extras in between.

18.  Hydrate-be sure that you are drinking plenty of water – at least 64 ounces a day.  Dehydration drains your energy and yourfocus.

19.  Get out in the sunshine – Seasonal Affective Disorder starts when the days shorten, and our bodies create too much melatonin and get depleted of VitaminD. Spend 15—30 minutes a day (preferably in the morning) soaking up that delicious sunshine.

20.  Right-size your alcohol intake – It’s easy to over indulge on alcohol over the holidays.  Watch your intake – no one feels good mentally or physically after drinking too much.

21.  Have fun!! – the holidays are about having fun. Maintain a sense of humor. Allow yourself to play. Don’t take any of it too seriously.  And, have some fun.

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I made a 6^th grader who I was tutoring cry.  Why? Because I abruptly ended our session after nearly two hours of cajoling him to complete six math problems.  It was a last resort aimed at helping him to break his pattern of avoiding doing his homework. It’s not that he’s incapable, it’s that he is utterly overwhelmed since he is behind on homework in every class, and honestly behind grade level in his knowledge of the curriculum. Anyone would be overwhelmed to be that behind.  

The challenges of getting my tutee to focus reminded me of a quote from a Rom-Com movie (A Match in Manhattan) I watched recently, “When kids get overwhelmed, they shut off.”  I loved that statement, though I would adjust it a little. In my experience, kids react to overwhelm in one of two ways:  they either totally check out and stop communicating, or they lash out verbally and/or physically.  Either way, helping them learn to handle overwhelm is vital to their future success in all areas of their lives.  I am talking about children, but frankly adults react in very similar ways to children when it comes to overwhelm.  You could even say that adults become children when they are overwhelmed.  Hmmmm.

How to handle the overwhelm for children and adults?  

1.    Awareness is first.  Like with everything, you can’t change your behavior if you’re not aware that it’s occurring. There is no dishonor in being overwhelmed. We all do it from time to time. That’s life and you can’t avoid it. The key is understanding that it sometimes occurs and then becoming aware of it so that you know that it might be impacting your behavior, emotions and judgment. Just like I need to be aware of my short temper when I’m hungry, I will readily admit that my patience is short and my judgement is clouded when I have a plate that is overflowing with demands.  By acknowledging your overwhelm you can then work to manage your behavior and thoughts, which in turn avoids saying or doing something that can hurt you, those around you and your relationships.

2.    Take the first step - Things seem overwhelming until you try them. Every week my fitness trainer shows me some exercise I’m supposed to do where in my head I think “Ugh. No way I can do that. It’s going to be awful.”  But, of course I do it (because I have to), and inevitably it’s not as bad as I anticipated and generally I totally nail it. The same is true for all sorts of challenges. We let our mind games of fear and insecurity stop us from moving forward.  Perfectionists in particular get paralyzed at progress for fear that they will make the wrong decision.

Quiet your head and simply do it -one step at a time.

For kids, break things down into small steps and support them through trying. Kids don’t automatically know how to break large tasks or long lists of tasks into smaller bites – we must teach them those executive function skills. Be supportive and give then language of success (e.g., I know you’re capable of this) and don’t offer language of overwhelm (e.g., You don’t have to finish it if it’s too much). Don’t let them play the language game of “I’m too stupid” or “this is too hard” – that is simply setting up an excuse for failure.

3.    Shrink Your Plate – What is on your plate?  Is it too much? Does it all really have to be there?  Does it all have to be there today?  Can deadlines be shifted? Know the difference between what is urgent – and must be done in short order vs. what is important – items that are often more complex but have a great impact in the long run.

For adults, give yourself permission to say “no” when asked to add something to your task list.  We want to be helpful to others, but sometimes you need to know where to draw a boundary. For kids… look at how they’re overprogrammed.  How many after school activities and sports teams are they being shuttled to in the name of enriching them?  Our kids have lost the art of creative play or the ability to simply do nothing, while we have simultaneously removed their quiet re-set time.  Over programming = overwhelm. 

4.    Prioritize – what must be done first?  I interviewed someone for a podcast years ago who said people have a hard time prioritizing and  that they do small tasks to pretend that they are accomplishing something rather than focusing on the thing(s) that will have the greatest impact.  Look at what is overwhelming you and break it down into smaller bites.  You can only do one thing at a time. Figure out that one thing to focus on next and put the others aside.

5.    Avoid Kids’ Overwhelm – My little friend wouldn’t have been overwhelmed if he hadn’t gotten so far behind.  Why was he behind? Because he was never taught to be accountable. Neither teachers nor parents enforced the rules and they all let him slide through year after year with special accommodations and empty threats and punishments. Now, seven years after starting school, he is behind in his skills and fearful of not being able to answer the questions or do the work.  We are currently  working very hard with him on developing both the skills/knowledge and the accountability so that he can address the challenges with confidence rather than fear.

If you’re a parent, know that it is far more loving to help your children learn to deal with challenges and overcome them, rather than to handle it for them such that they never learn the skills nor develop the strength to confront them.

6.    Avoid Adult Overwhelm – When adults get overwhelmed it can similarly be a fear of not knowing. But that’s just one option.  Equally as overwhelming is that they simply have too much to do – either because they take on too much or because they allow the world to place more demands on their plate than they can handle.  Know that you are in control of your day and you have the choices of how you fill each one. Yes, of course, there are things that we get obliged to do.. and emergencies arise which throw a big wrench into even the best plans.  

 Control what you can control… and then stay calm so you can adjust to things you can’t control.  Limit your daily “must do” list to two big or five small tasks in order to allow time for the emergencies that inevitably popup.

 Life is a never ending dance of activity and change.  Remember that you are in charge of the pace of the music. You can choose to do a slow waltz or a fast jive.

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