When a Simple “I’m Sorry” Gets Complicated

“I’m sorry.”  So simple a phrase yet so complex when our chronic need to apologize for situations or events that have nothing to do with us takes over: “I’m sorry that your internet went down in the middle of your very important presentation” or “I’m sorry your weekend plans were ruined by the weather.”  You had nothing to do with the problem so why apologize for it?

Everyone makes mistakes for which it is totally appropriate to apologize. Mistake noted… “I’m sorry”… done.  Move along with life.

But then there’s this other compulsion which is held by many to empathize and let others know you feel their pain. Beautiful in theory but is it self-destructive in practice?’

I received the following note from a “graduate” of my Awakening Happiness Program:

 “As I am becoming more aware of my body’s reaction to situations, I have found that saying “I’m sorry” causes my body to tense and a certain sense of anxiety builds, ultimately ending in worry. None of which is good. 

 I know there are specific occasions that those words are appropriate, but lately, I find myself saying them to friends and family that may have had a difficult day, a disagreement or a disappointment. I know that I am genuinely sorry and that I want to be empathetic. So why is my body reacting the way it does?” 

Let’s explore…

1. Sympathy vs Empathy -  Sympathy is an emotional outreach to show concern or care for another’s problems whereas empathy is a similar emotional outreach, but one in which you have experienced first hand the same or similar to what someone else is suffering. 

Does it matter if you sympathize or empathize?  Not really because you can’t control what your personal experience is with regard to someone else’s situation.  You just want them to know you care. That said, if you experienced similar circumstances to your friend’s problem, the situation  can be more personal to you, and your discussion of it can be that much more connected. 

Either way, apologizing for their problem or owning it as your own is not your role in the situation, and yes, will only put unnecessary angst onto you.

If someone is suffering they want a warm safe place to let themselves process their pain or challenge. They don’t need you to solve it for them or to have experienced the same thing. Merely for you to to be a loving supportive place for them

2. Awakening Your Inner Control Freak - There are many who readily acknowledge that they like to be in control of situations.  These same people tend to be worriers, often about things that have nothing to do with them.   I have watched and spoken to many people about their “earnest, loving desire to help” their loved ones who have a problem.  They really do want to help. However, it’s not their problem to solve and nobody asked them to do it.

This behavior is particularly prevalent when it comes to family members - if a child, either young or grown, has a problem or a spouse struggles with their own family relationships or any other issue.  As with sympathy and empathy…. The only thing the problem-sufferer needs or wants is a soft space to share and process. Unless they specifically ask for advice, they don’t want their control freak friends or family to fix it for them. Moms are especially prone to want to swoop in to ensure that their “baby bears” don’t suffer or that they get the outcome that the mother deems best. But it’s not hers to fix.  All that caring becomes a burden on the person who wants to help, but that burden can’t be resolved since it’s not their problem to fix. This doesn’t mean don’t care and don’t inquire. It simply means don’t own what isn’t yours. 

 If you can’t say you’re sorry, what else can you do? Shift Your Language.

 Rather than simply say “I’m sorry” complete the thought: 

-“I’m sorry for what you’re going through”

- “I’m sorry that this happened to you” 

By adding the descriptive phrase after “I”m sorry” it clarifies that it is their issue and that you are caring for them. Rather than the simple “I’m sorry” that can leave you still feeling like you own it.

 But what if the mere inclusion of the phrase “I’m sorry” is a deep trigger for you?  

 For the person who emailed me this was the case. Just hearing/saying those words sent her into a state of angst. So, yes, you can avoid the use of the words with phrases like:

”I understand your frustration” or “I wish you didn’t have to deal with this.”  Those express care without ownership.  

The one caveat I would say is to set a goal of understanding the deeper desire to control and fix for others and to learn to release that piece of your burden.  Avoiding the words “I’m sorry” is a helpful crutch toward that bigger emotional shift but long term, you want to not take on problems that aren’t yours.

 I’m sorry this is a long, sometimes difficult, process.  I’m excited for how freeing it is to let go of false burdens.  Focus on the freedom.